Ben: Jonson Page

Bartholomew Fair.

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A   C O M E D Y.

Acted in the Year 1614. By the L A D Y  E L I Z A B E T H' S Servants.

And then dedicated to K I N G  J A M E S, of most blessed Memory.

By the Author Benjamin Johnson.

Si foret in terris, rideret Democritus: nam
Spectaret populum ludis attentius ipsis,
Ut sibi præbentem, mimo spectacula plura.
Scriptores autem narrare putaret asello
Fabellam surdo.
              Hor. lib. 2. Epist. 1.


P R O L O G U E  to the KING's MAJESTY.


Our Majesty is welcome to a Fair;

Such Place, such Men, such Language, and such Ware,

You must expect: with these, the zealous noise

Of your Lands
Faction, scandaliz'd at Toys,

As Babies, Hobby-horses, Puppet-plays,

And such like rage, whereof the petulant ways

Your self have known, and have bin vext with long.

These for your Sport, without particular wrong,

Or just complaint of any private Man,

(Who of himself, or shall think well or can)

The Maker doth present: and hopes, to Night

To give you for a
Fairing, true delight.

E e e                         


The P E R S O N S of the P L A Y.

J O H N  L I T T L E - W I T, A Proctor.
W I N  L I T T L E - W I T, His Wife.
D A M E  P U R E C R A F T, Her Mother and a Widow.
Z E A L - O F - T H E - L A N D  B U S Y, Her Suiter, a Banbury Man.
W I N - W I F E, His Rival, a Gentleman.
Q U A R L O U S, His Companion, a Gamester.
B A R T H O L M E W  C O K E S, An Esquire of Harrow.
H U M P H R E Y  W A S P E, His Man.
A D A M  O V E R D O, A Justice of Peace.
D A M E  O V E R D O, His Wife.
G R A C E  W E L B O R N, His Ward.
L A N T.  L E A T H E R H E A D, A Hobbi-Horse seller.
J O A N  T R A S H, A Ginger-Bread Woman.
E Z E C H I E L  E D G W O R T H, A Cutpurse.
N I G H T I N G A L E, A Ballad-singer.
U R S L A, A Pig-Woman.
M O O N - C A L F, Her Tapster.
J O R D A N  K N O C K - H U M, A Horse-courser, and a ranger o' Turnbull.
V A L.  C U T T I N G, A Roarer.
C A P T A I N  W H I T, A Bawd.
P U N Q U E  A L I C E, Mistriss o' the Game.
T R O U B L E - A L L, A Mad man.

W A T C H M E N, three.

C O S T A R D - monger.

M O U S T R A P - man.

C L O T H I E R.

W R E S T L E R.

P O R T E R S.

D O O R - K E E P E R S.

P U P P E T S.



I N D u C T I O N
O N   T H E
S T A G E.



Entlemen, have a little patience, they are e'en
 upon coming, instantly. He that should be-
 gin the Play, Master Little-wit, the Proctor,
 has a stitch new faln in his black silk Stock-
ing; 'twill be drawn up ere you can tell twenty. He
plays one o' the Arches that dwells about the Hospital,
and he has a very pretty part. But for the whole Play,
will you ha' the truth on't? (I am looking, lest the Poet
hear me, or his Man, Master Broom, behind the Arras)
it is like to be a very conceited scurvy one, in plain En-
When't comes to the Fair once, you were e'en
as good go to Virginia, for any thing there is of Smith-
He has not hit the Humours, he do's not know
'em; he has not convers'd with the Bartholmew-birds,
as they say; he has ne'er a Sword and Buckler Man in
his Fair; nor a little Davy, to take Toll o' the Bawds
there, as in my time; nor a Kind-heart, if any bodies
Teeth should chance to ake in his Play; nor a Jugler
with a well-educated Ape, to come over the Chain for
the King of England, and back again for the Prince,
and sit still on his Arse for the Pope, and the King of
Spain! None o' these fine sights! Nor has he the Can-
vas-cut i' the Night, for a Hobby-horse-man to creep in-
to his she-neighbour, and take his leap there! Nothing!
No, and some writer (that I know) had had but the Pen-
ning o' this matter, he would ha' made you such a Jig-
i' the Boothes, you should ha' thought an Earth-
quake had been i' the Fair! But these Master-Poets,
they will ha' their own absurd courses; they will be
inform'd of nothing. He has (sirreverence) kick'd me
three or four times about the Tyring-house, I thank him,
for but offering to put in with my experience. I'll
be judg'd by you, Gentlemen, now, but for one conceit
of mine! Would not a fine Pump upon the Stage ha'
done well, for a property now? and a Punque set under
upon her Head, with her Stern upward, and ha' been
sous'd by my witty young Masters o' the Inns o' Court?
What think you o' this for a shew, now? he will not
hear 'o this! I am an Ass! I! and yet I kept the Stage
in Master Tarleton's time, I thank my Stars. Ho! and
that Man had liv'd to have play'd in Bartholmew Fair,
you should ha' seen him ha' come in, and ha' been co-
zened i' the Cloath-quarter, so finely! And Adams,
the Rogue, ha' leap'd and caper'd upon him, and ha'
dealt his Vermine about, as though they had cost him
nothing. And then a substantial Watch to ha' stoln in

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upon 'em, and taken 'em away, with mistaking words,
as the fashion is in the Stage-practice.

[To him.
Book-holder, Scrivener.

Ook. How now? what rare discourse are you faln
 upon? ha? ha' you found any familiars here, that
you are so free? what's the business?
   Sta. Nothing, but the understanding Gentlemen o'the
Ground here, ask'd my judgment.
   Book. Your judgment, Rascal? for what? sweeping
the Stage? or gathering up the broken Apples for the
Bears within? Away Rogue, it's come to a fine degree
in these Spectacles, when such a Youth as you pretend
to a judgment. And yet he may, i' the most o' this
matter i' faith: For the Author hath writ it just to his
Meridian, and the Scale of the grounded Judgments here,
his Play-fellows in wit. Gentlemen, not for want of a
Prologue, but by way of a new one, I am sent out to you
here, with a Scrivener, and certain Articles drawn out
in haste between our Author and you; which if you
please to hear, and as they appear reasonable, to approve
of; the Play will follow presently. Read, Scribe, gi' me
the Counterpain.
   Scr. Articles of Agreement, indented, between the
Spectators or Hearers, at the Hope on the Bankside, in the
County of Surry on the one party; And the Author of
Bartholmew Fair in the said place and County, on the
other party: the one and thirtieth day of Octob. 1614.
and in the twelfth year of the Reign of our Sovereign
Lord, James, by the Grace of God, King of England,
and Ireland, Defender of the Faith: And of Scot-
the Seven and fortieth.
   Inprimis, It is covenanted and agreed, by and between
the Parties above-said, and the said Spectators, and Hear-
as well the curious and envious, as the favouring
and judicious, as also the grounded judgments and un-
derstandings, do for themselves severally covenant and
agree to remain in the Places their Money or Friends
have put them in, with patience, for the space of two
Hours and an half, and somewhat more. In which
time the Author promiseth to present them by us, with a
new sufficient Play, called Bartholmew Fair, merry, and
as full of noise, as sport: made to delight all, and to of-
fend none; provided they have either the wit or the ho-
nesty to think well of themselves.
   It is further agreed, That every Person here, have his
or their free-will of Censure, to like or dislike at their
own charge, the Author having now departed with his
E e e 2                             right:                

396 The Induction.                   

right: it shall be lawful for any Man to judge his six
Pen'orth, his twelve Pen'orth, so to his eighteen Pence,
two Shillings, half a Crown, to the value of his Place;
provided always his Place get not above his Wit. And
if he pay for half a dozen, he may censure for all them
too, so that he will undertake that they shall be silent.
He shall put in for Censures here, as they do for Lots at
the Lottery: marry, if he drop but six Pence at the
Door, and will Censure a Crowns worth, it is thought
there is no Conscience, or Justice in that.
   It is also agreed, That every Man here exercise his
own Judgment, and not Censure by Contagion, or upon
trust, from anothers Voice, or Face, that sits by him,
be he never so first in the Commission of Wit: As also,
that he be fixt and settled in his Censure, that what he
approves, or not approves to day, he will do the same
to morrow; and if to morrow, the next day, and so
the next week (if need be:) and not to be brought
about by any that sits on the Bench with him, though
they indite and arraign Plays daily. He that will swear,
Jeronimo, or Andronicus are the best Plays, yet shall pass
unexcepted at here, as a Man whose Judgment shews it
is constant, and hath stood still these five and twenty
or thirty years. Though it be an Ignorance, it is a
vertuous and staid Ignorance; and next to truth, a con-
firm'd error does well; such a one the Author knows
where to find him.
   It is further covenanted, concluded and agreed, That
how great soever the expectation be, no Person here is
to expect more than he knows, or better Ware than a
Fair will afford: neither to look back to the Sword and
Buckler-age of Smithfield, but content himself with the
present. Instead of a little Davy, to take Toll o' the
Bawds, the Author doth promise a strutting Horse-courser,
with a leer-Drunkard, two or three to attend him, in as
good Equipage as you would wish. And then for Kind-
the Tooth-drawer, a fine Oily Pig-woman with her
Tapster, to bid you welcome, and a Consort of Roarers
for Musick. A wise Justice of Peace meditant, instead
of a Jugler, with an Ape. A civil Cutpurse searchant. A
sweet Singer of new Ballads allurant: and as fresh an

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Hypocrite, as ever was broach'd, rampant. If there be ne-
ver a Servant-monster i' the Fair, who can help it, he
says, nor a Nest of Antiques? He is loth to make Na-
ture afraid in his Plays, like those that beget Tales, Tem-
and such like Drolleries, to mix his Head with other
Mens Heels; let the concupiscence of Jigs and Dances,
reign as strong as it will amongst you: yet if the Pup-
will please any body, they shall be entreated to
come in.
   In consideration of which, it is finally agreed, by the
foresaid Hearers and Spectators, That they neither in
themselves conceal, nor suffer by them to be concealed,
any State-decipherer, or Politick Picklock of the Scene, so so-
lemnly ridiculous, as to search out, who was meant by
Ginger-bread-woman, who by the Hobby-horse-man, who by
the Costard-monger, nay, who by their Wares. Or that
will pretend to affirm (on his own inspired Ignorance)
what Mirror of Magistrates is meant by the Justice,
what great Lady by the Pig-woman, what conceal'd States-
by the Seller of Mouse-traps, and so of the rest.
But that such Person, or Persons so found, be left disco-
vered to the mercy of the Author, as a forfeiture to the
Stage, and your laughter aforesaid. As also, such as
shall so desperately, or ambitiously, play the fool by his
place aforesaid, to challenge the Author of scurrility, be-
cause the Language somewhere favours of Smithfield, the
Booth, and the Pig-broath, or of prophaneness, because
a Mad-man cries, God quit you, or bless you. In witness
whereof, as you have preposterously put to your Seals
already (which is your Money) you will now add the
other part of suffrage, your Hands. The Play shall pre-
sently begin. And though the Fair be not kept in the
same Region, that some here, perhaps, would have it;
yet think, that therein the Author hath observ'd a speci-
al Decorum, the place being as dirty as Smithfield, and
as stinking every whit.
   Howsoever, he prays you to believe, his Ware is still
the same, else you will make him justly suspect that he
that is so loth to look on a Baby, or an Hobby-horse here,
would be glad to take up a Commodity of them, at any
laughter or loss in another place.




Act I.    Scene I.

Little-wit.  [To him]  Win.


Pretty Conceit, and worth the finding! I ha'
such luck to spin out these fine things still,
and like a Silk-worm, out of my self. Here's
Master Bartholomew Cokes, of Harrow o' th'
i' th' County of Middlesex, Esquire,
takes forth his Licence to marry Mistress Grace Well-born,
of the said Place and County: And when do's he take
it forth? to day! the Four and Twentieth of August!
Bartholmew-day! Bartholmew
upon Bartholmew! there's
the Device! who would have mark'd such a Leap-Frog
Chance now? A very less than Ames-ace, on two Dice!
Well, go thy ways, John Little-wit, Proctor John Little-
One o' the pretty Wits o' Pauls, the Little-wit of
(so thou art call'd) and something beside. When
a Quirk or a Quiblin do's scape thee, and thou dost not
watch and apprehend it, and bring it afore the Con-
stable of Conceit: (there now, I speak Quib too) let
'em carry thee out o' the Arch-deacons Court into his
Kitchin, and make a Jack of thee, instead of a John.
(There I am again la!) Win, Good Morrow, Win. I
marry, Win! Now you look finely indeed, Win! this
Cap do's convince! you'ld not ha' worn it, Win, nor ha'
had it Velvet, but a rough Countrey Bever, with a
Copper Band, like the Conney-skin-woman of Budge-
Sweet Win, let me kiss it! And her fine high
Shooes, like the Spanish Lady! Good Win, go a little, I
would fain see thee pace, pretty Win! By this fine Cap,
I could never leave kissing on't.
   Win. Come indeed la, you are such a Fool still!
   Litt. No, but half a one, Win, you are the t'other
half: Man and Wife make one Fool, Win. (Good!)
Is there the Poctor,Proctor or Doctor indeed, i' the Diocess,
that ever had the Fortune to win him such a Win!
(There I am again!) I do feel Conceits coming upon
me, more than I am able to turn Tongue too. A Pox
o' these Pretenders to Wit! Your Three Cranes, Miter
and Mermaid men! Not a Corn of true Salt, not a
Grain of right Mustard amongst them all. They may
stand for Places, or so, again the next Wit fall, and
pay Two Pence in a Quart more for their Canary
than other Men. But gi' me the Man can start up a
Justice of Wit out of Six Shillings Beer, and give the
Law to all the Poets and Poet-Suckers i' Town, because
they are the Players Gossips. 'Slid, other Men have
Wives as fine as the Players, and as well drest. Come
hither, Win.

Act I.    Scene II.

Win-wife, Little-wit, Win.

Hy, how now, Master Little-wit! measuring of
 Lips? or molding of Kisses? which is it?
   Litt. Troth, I am a little taken with my Wins dres-
sing here! Dost not fine, Master Win-wife? How do
you apprehend, Sir? She would not ha' worn this Ha-
bit. I challenge all Cheapside to shew such another:
More-fields, Pimlico-path, or the Exchange, in a Summer-

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Evening, with a Lace to boot, as this has. Dear Win,
let Master Win-wife kiss you. He comes a wooing to our
Mother, Win, and may be our Father perhaps, Win. There's
no harm in him, Win.
   Win-w. None i' the Earth, Master Little-wit.
   Litt. I envy no Man my Delicates, Sir.
   Win-w. Alas, you ha' the Garden where they grow
still! A Wife here with a Strawberry-Breath, Cherry-
Lips, Apricot-Cheeks, and a soft Velvet Head, like a
   Litt. Good, i'faith! now dulness upon me, that I had
not that before him, that I should not light on't as well
as he! Velvet Head!
   Win-w. But my taste, Master Little-wit, tend to
Fruit of a latter kind: the Sober Matron, your Wives
   Litt. I! we know you are a Suitor, Sir; Win, and I
both, wish you well: By this Licence here would you
had her, that your Two Names were as fast in it as here
are a Couple. Win would fain have a fine Young
Father i' Law, with a Feather: that her Mother
might Hood it, and Chain it, with Mistris Over-
But you do not take the right course, Master
   Win-w. No? Master Little-wit, why?
   Lit. You are not mad enough.
   Win-w. How? Is Madness a right course?
   Lit. I say nothing, but I wink upon Win. You have
a Friend, one (Master Quarlous) comes here some-
   Win-w. Why? he makes no Love to her, do's he?
   Lit. Not a Tokenworth that ever I saw, I assure you:
But ——
   Win-w. What?
   Lit. He is the more Mad-cap o' the Two. You do
not apprehend me.
   Win. You have a hot Coal i' your Mouth now, you
cannot hold.
   Lit. Let me out with it, dear Win.
   Win. I'll tell him my self.
   Lit. Do, and take all the Thanks, and much do good
thy pretty heart, Win.
   Win. Sir, my Mother has had her Nativity-water
cast lately by the Cunning-Men in Cow-lane, and they
ha' told her her Fortune, and do ensure her, she shall
never have happy hour, unless she marry within this
Sen'night; and when it is, it must be a Mad Man,
they say.
   Lit. I, but it must be a Gentleman-Mad Man.
   Win. Yes, so the t' other man of More-fields says.
   Win-w. But do's she believe 'em?
   Lit. Yes, and has been at Bedlam twice since evetyevery
day, to enquire if any Gentleman be there, or to come
there mad!
   Win-w. Why, this is a Confederacy, a meer piece of
practice upon her by these Impostors.
   Lit. I tell her so; or else, say I, that they mean some
Young Madcap-Gentleman (for the Devil can equivo-
cate as well as a Shop-keeper) and therefore would I ad-
vise you to be a little madder than Master Quarlous here-
   Win.Win-w. Where is she? stirring yet?


398 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Lit. Stirring! Yes, and studying an Old Elder come
from Banbury, a Suitor that puts in here at Meal-tide, to
praise the painful Brethren, or pray that the Sweet
Singers may be restor'd; Says a Grace as long as his
Breath lasts him! Some time the Spirit is so strong with
him, it gets quite out of him, and then my Mother, or
Win, are fain to fetch it again with Malmsey, or Aqua

   VVin. Yes indeed, we have such a tedious Life
with him for his Dyet, and his Clothes too, he
breaks his Buttons, and cracks Seams at every Saying
he sobs out.
   John. He cannot abide my Vocation, he says.
   VVin. No, he told my Mother, a Proctor was a
Claw of the Beast, and that she had little less |thanthan
committed Abomination in marrying me so as she ha's
   Joh. Every Line (he says) that a Proctor writes,
when it comes to be read in the Bishop's Court,
is a long black Hair, kemb'd out of the Tail of An-

   VVin-w. When came this Proselyte?
   Joh. Some three days since.

Act I.    Scene III.

Quarlous, John, VVin, VVin-wife.

 Sir, ha' you tane Soyl here? it's well a Man may
 reach you after three hours running yet! what an
unmerciful Companion art thou, to quit thy Lodging
at such ungentlemanly hours? None but a scatter'd
Covey of Fidlers, or one of these Rag-rakers in Dung-
hills, or some Marrow-bone-man at most, would have
been up when thou wert gone abroad, by all Descri-
ption. I pray thee what ailest thou, thou canst not
sleep? hast thou Thorns i' thy Eye-lids, or Thistles
i' thy Bed?
   Win-w. I cannot tell: It seems you had neither i' your
Feet, that took this pain to find me.
   Quar. No, and I had, all the Lime-hounds o' the Ci-
ty should have drawn after you by the Scent rather.
Mr. John Little-wit! God save you, Sir. 'Twas a
hot Night with some of us, last Night, John: shall
we pluck a Hair o' the same Wolf to day, Proctor
   Joh. Do you remember, Master Quarlous, what we
discours'd on last night?
   Quar. Not I, John: nothing that I either discourse or
do, at those times I forfeit all to forgetfulness.
   Joh. No? not concerning Win, look you: there she
is, and drest, as I told you she should be: Hark you, Sir,
had you forgot?
   Quar. By this Head, I'll beware how I keep you
company, John, when I am drunk, and you have this
dangerous memory! that's certain.
   Joh. Why Sir?
   Quar. Why? we were all a little stain'd last Night,
sprinkled with a Cup or two, and I agreed with Pro-
ctor John here, to come and do somewhat with Win
(I know not what 'twas) to day; and he puts me in
mind on't now; he says he was coming to fetch me:
Before Truth, if you have that fearful Quality, John,
to remember when you are sober, John, what you pro-
mise drunk, John; I shall take heed of you, John. For
this once I am content to wink at you; where's your
[He kisseth her.
Wife? Come hither, Win.
   Win. Why, John! do you see this, John? look you!
help me, John.
   Joh. O Win, fie, what do you mean, Win? Be wo-
manly Win; make an Out-cry to your Mother, Win?
Master Quarlous is an honest Gentleman, and our wor-
shipful good Friend, Win: and he is Master VVin-wifes
Friend too: And Master VVinwife comes a Suitor to

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your Mother, VVin; as I told you before, VVin, and
may perhaps be our Father, VVin: they'l do you no
harm, VVin, they are both our Worshipful good
Friends. Master Quarlous! you must know Master
Quarlous, VVin; you must not quarrel with Master
Quarlous, VVin.
   Quar. No, we'll kiss again, and fall in.
   Joh. Yes, do, good VVin.
   VVin. I' faith you are a Fool, John.
   Joh. A Fool-John, she calls me; do you mark
that, Gentlemen? Pretty Little-wit of Velvet! a Fool-
   Quar. She may call you an Apple-John, if you use
   VVin-w. Pray thee forbear, for my Respect, some-
   Quar. Hoy-day! how respective you are become
o' the sudden! I fear this Family will turn you reform-
ed too; pray you come about again. Because she is in
possibility to be your Daughter-in-Law, and may ask
you Blessing hereafter, when she courts it to Totnam
to eat Cream. Well, I will forbear, Sir; but i' faith,
would thou would'st leave thy Exercise of Widow-
hunting once! this drawing after an Old Reverend
Smock by the Splay-Foot: There cannot be an anci-
ent Tripe or Trillibub i' the Town, but thou art straight
nosing it, and 'tis a fine Occupation thou'lt confine thy
self to, when thou hast got one; scrubbing a piece of
Buff, as if thou hadst the perpetuity of Pannyer-Alley
to stink in; or perhaps worse, currying a Carkass that
thou hast bound thy self to alive. I'll be sworn, some
of them (that thou art, or hast been a Suitor to) are
so old, as no chaste or married pleasure can ever be-
come 'em: the honest Instrument of Procreation has
(Forty Years since) left to belong to 'em; thou must
visit 'em as thou wouldst do a Tomb, with a Torch, or
Three Handfuls of Link, flaming hot, and so thou
maist hap to make 'em feel thee, and after, come to in-
herit according to thy Inches. A sweet course for a
man to waste the Brand of Life for, to be still raking
himself a Fortune in an Old Womans Embers; we
shall ha' thee, after thou hast been but a Month marri-
ed to one of 'em, look like the Quartane Ague and the
Black Jaundise met in a Face, and walk as if thou hadst
borrow'd Legs of a Spinner, and Voice of a Cricket. I
would endure to hear Fifteen Sermons a week for her,
and such course, and loud ones, as some of 'em must
be; I would e'en desire of Fate, I might dwell in a
Drum, and take in my Sustenance with an old broken
Tabacco-pipe and a Straw. Dost thou ever think to
bring thine Ears or Stomach to the patience of a dry
Grace, as long as thy Table-Cloath? and droan'd out
by thy Son here (that might be thy Father), till all the
meat o' thy Board has forgot it was that day i' the
Kitchin? Or to brook the noise made in a Question of
Prædestination, by the good Labourers and painful Eat-
ers assembled together, put to 'em by the Matron your
Spouse; who moderates with a Cup of Wine, ever and
anon, and a Sentence out of Knoxe between? Or the
perpetual spitting before and after a sober drawn Exhor-
of Six Hours, whose better part was the Hum-ha-
Or to hear Prayers groan'd out over thy Iron
Chests, as if they were Charms to break 'em? And all
this for the hope of Two Apostle-Spoons, to suffer! and a
Cup to eat a Cawdle in! For that will be thy Legacy.
She'll ha' convey'd her State safe enough from thee, an'
she be a right Widow.
   VVin.Win-w. Alas, I am quite off that Scent now.
   Quar. How so?
   VVin-w. Put off by a Brother of Banbury, one that,
they say, is come here, and governs all already.
   Quar. What do you call him? I knew divers of those
Banburians when I was in Oxford.


            Bartholmew Fair. 399

   VVin-w. Master Little-wit can tell us.
   Joh. Sir! good VVin, go in, and if Master Barthol-
mew Cokes
his Man come for the Licence (the little Old
Fellow) let him speak with me; what say you, Gen-
   VVin-w. What call you the Reverend Elder you told
me of? your Banbury-man?
   Joh. Rabbi Busy, Sir, he is more than an Elder, he is a
Prophet, Sir.
   Quar. O, I know him! a Baker, is he not?
   Joh. He was a Baker, Sir, but he do's dream now, and
see Visions, he has given over his Trade.
   Quar. I remember that too: out of a Scruple he took,
that (in spic'd Conscience) those Cakes he made, were
serv'd to Bridales, May-Poles, Morrisses, and such pro-
phane Feasts and Meetings; his Christen-Name is Zeal-

   Joh. Yes, Sir, Zeal-of-the-land Busy.
   VVin-w. How! what a Name's there!
   Joh. O, they have all such Names, Sir; he was Wit-
ness for VVin here, (they will not be call'd God-fathers)
and nam'd her VVin-the-fight, you thought her Name had
been VVinnifred, did you not?
   VVin-w. I did indeed.
   Joh. He would ha' thought himself a stark Reprobate,
if it had.
   Quar. I, for there was a Blew-starch-woman o' the
Name, at the same time. A notable hypocritical Ver-
mine it is; I know him. One that stands upon his
Face, more than his Faith, at all times; Ever in sedi-
tious motion, and reproving for Vain-glory: of a most
Lunatick Conscience and Spleen, and affects the Vio-
lence of Singularity in all he do's: (He has undone a
Grocer here, in Newgate-Market, that broke with him,
trusted him with Currans, as errant a Zeal as he, that's
by the way:) By his Profession, he will ever be i' the
State of Innocence, though; and Childhood; de-
rides all Antiquity, defies any other Learning than
Inspiration; and what Discretion soever Years should
afford him, it is all prevented in his Original Ignorance;
ha' not to do with him: for he is a Fellow of a
most arrogant and invincible dullness, I assure you;
who is this?

Act I.    Scene IV.

VVaspe, John, VVin-wife, Quarlous.

Y your leave, Gentlemen, with all my heart to
 you: and God give you good morrow; Master
Little-wit, my business is to you. Is this License
   Joh. Here I ha' it for you in my hand, Master Hum-

   Was. That's well; nay, never open or read it to me,
it's labour in vain, you know. I am no Clerk, I scorn
to be sav'd by my Book, i'faith I'll hang first; fold it
up o' your word, and gi' it me; what must you ha'
   Joh. We'll talk of that anon, Master Humphrey.
   Was. Now or not at all, good Mr. Proctor, I am for no
anon's, I assure you.
   Joh. Sweet Win, bid Solomon send me the little black
Box within in my Study.
   Was. I, quickly, good Mistris, I pray you: for I have
both Eggs o' the Spit, and Iron i' the Fire, say what you
must have, good Mr. Little-wit.
   Joh. Why, you know the price, Mr. Numps.
   Was. I know? I know nothing. I, what tell you
me of knowing? (now I am in haste) Sir, I do not
know, and I will not know, and I scorn to know, and
yet, (now I think on't) I will, and do know as well as
another; you must have a Mark for your thing here,
and Eight Pence for the Box; I could ha' sav'd Two Pence

[column break]

i' that, an' I had bought it my self, but here's Fourteen
for you. Good Lord! how long your little wife
stays! pray God Solomon, your Clerk, be not looking
i' the wrong Box, Mr. Proctor.
   Joh. Good i' faith! no, I warrant you, Solomon is wi-
ser than so, Sir.
   Was. Fie, fie, fie, by your leave, Master Little-wit, this
is scurvy, idle, foolish and abominable, with all my heart;
I do not like it.
   Win-w. Do you hear? Jack Little-wit, what business
does thy pretty head think this Fellow may have, that he
keeps such a coyl with?
   Quar. More than buying of Ginger-bread i' the Cloy-
here, (for that we allow him) or a guiltalternate spelling of 'gilt' pouch i' the
   Joh. Master Quarlous, do not mistake him: he is his
Master's Both-hands, I assure you.
   Quar. What? to pull on his Boots a Mornings, or his
Stockings, do's he?
   Joh. Sir, if you have a mind to mock him, mock him
softly, and look t'other way: for if he apprehend you
flout him once, he will fly at you presently. A terrible
testy old Fellow, and his Name is Waspe too.
   Quar. Pretty Insect! make much on him.
   Was. A Plague o' this Box, and the Pox too, and on
him that made it, and her that went for't, and all that
should ha' sought it, sent it, or brought it! do you see,
   Joh. Nay, good Mr. Waspe.
   VVas. Good Master Hornet, turd i' your teeth, hold
you your tongue: do not I know you? Your Father was
a Pothecary, and sold Glisters, more than he gave, I wusse:
and turd i' your little Wives teeth too (here she comes),
'twill make her spit as fine as she is, for all her Velvet
Custard on her head, Sir.
   Joh. O! be civil, Master Numps.
   VVas. Why, say I have a Humour not to be civil; how
then? who shall compel me? you?
   Joh. Here is the Box now.
   VVas. Why a Pox o' your Box, once again: let your
little Wife stale in it, and she will. Sir, I would have
you to understand, and these Gentlemen too, if they
please ——
   VVin-w. With all our Hearts, Sir.
   VVas. That I have a charge, Gentlemen.
   Joh. They do apprehend, Sir.
   VVas. Pardon me, Sir, neither they nor you can ap-
prehend me yet. (You are an Ass) I have a Young Ma-
ster, he is now upon his making and marring; the whole
care of his well-doing, is now mine. His foolish School-
masters have done nothing, but run up and down the
Countrey with him to beg Puddings, and Cake-bread of
his Tenants, and almost spoiled him; he has learn'd
nothing but to sing Catches, and repeat Rattle Bladder,
and O, Madge. I dare not let him walk alone,
for fear of learning of vile Tunes, which he will sing at
Supper, and in the Sermon-times! If he meet but a
Carman i' the Street, and I find him not talk to keep
him off on him, he will whistle him, and all his Tunes
over at Night in his Sleep! he has a head full of Bees!
I am fain now (for this little time I am absent) to leave
him in charge with a Gentlewoman::extra colon should be omitted 'Tis true, she is
a Justice of Peace his Wife, and a Gentlewoman o' the
Hood, and his Natural Sister: But what may happen
under a Womans Government, there's the doubt. Gen-
tlemen, you do not know him: he is another manner of
piece than you think for! but Nineteen years old, and
yet he is taller than either of you by the Head, God
bless him.
   Quar. Well, methinks this is a fine Fellow!
   VVin-w. He has made his Master a finer by this Descrip-
tion, I should think.
   Quar. 'Faith, much about one, it's Cross and Pile,
whether for a New Farthing.

400 Bartholmew Fair.                

   VVas. I'll tell you, Gentlemen ——
   Joh. Will't please you drink, Master VVaspe?
   VVas. Why, I ha' not talk't so long to be dry, Sir;
you see no Dust or Cobwebs come out o' my Mouth:
do you? you'ld ha' me gone, would you?
   Joh. No, but you were in haste e'en now, Mr.
   Was. What an' I were? so I am still, and yet I will
stay too; meddle you with your match, your Win, there,
she has as little Wit as her Husband, it seems: I have o-
thers to talk to.
   Joh. She's my match indeed, and as little Wit as I,
   VVas. We ha' been but a day and a half in Town,
Gentlemen, 'tis true, and yesterday i' the Afternoon
we walk'd London, to shew the City to the Gentlewo-
man he shall marry, Mistris Grace; but afore I will en-
dure such another half day with him, I'll be drawn with
a good Gib-cat, through the great Pond at home, as his
Uncle Hodge was! why, we could not meet that Heathen
thing all day, but staid him: he would name you all the
Signs over, as he went, aloud: and where he spi'd a
Parrat, or a Monkey, there he was pitch'd, with all the
little Long-Coats about him, Male and Female; no get-
ting him away! I thought he would ha' run mad o' the
black boy in Bucklers-bury, that takes the scurvy, roguy
Tabacco there.
   Joh. You say true, Master Numps: there's such a one
   VVas. It's no matter whether there be or no, what's
that to you?
   Quar. He will not allow of John's reading at any

Act I.    Scene V.

Cokes, Mistris Over-doe, VVaspe, Grace, Quarlous, VVin-
wife, John, VVin.

 Numps! are you here, Numps? look where I am.
 Numps! and Mistris Grace too! nay, do not look
angerly, Numps, my Sister is here and all, I do not come
without her.
   VVas. What the mischief do you come with her? or
she with you?
   Cok. We came all to seek you, Numps.
   VVas. To seek me? why, did you all think I was lost,
or run away with your Fourteen Shillings worth of small
Ware here? or that I had chang'd it i' the Fair for Hob-
by-horses? S' precious —— to seek me!
   Over. Nay, good Mr. Numps do you shew discretion,
tho he be exorbitant, (as Mr. Over-do says) and't be but
for conservation of the Peace.
   VVas. Marry gip, Goodly She-Justice, Mistris French-
turd i' your teeth; and turd i' your French-hoods
teeth too, to do you service, do you see? must you
quote your Adam to me! you think you are Madam Re-
still, Mistris Over-do; when I am in place? No
such matter, I assure you, your Raign is out, when I am
in, Dame.
   Over. I am content to be in abeyance, Sir, and be go-
vern'd by you; so should he too, if he did well; but
'till'twill be expected you should also govern your Passions.
   Was. Will't so, forsooth? good Lord! how sharp you
are! with being at Beth'lem yesterday? VVhetstone has set
an Edge upon you, has he?
   Over. Nay, if you know not what belongs to your
Dignity, I do yet to mine.
   VVas. Very well then.
   Cok. Is this the Licence, Numps? for Loves sake let me
see't; I never saw a Licence.
   VVas. Did you not so? why, you shall not see't then.
   Cok. An' you love me, good Numps.
   VVas. Sir, I love you, and yet I do not love you i'these

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Fooleries; set your heart at rest; there's nothing in't but
hard words; and what would you see't for?
   Cok. I would see the length and the breadth on't, that's
all; and I will see't now, so I will.
   VVas. You sha' not see it here.
   Cok. Then I'll see't at home, and I'll look upon the
Case here.
   VVas. Why, do so; a man must give way to him a
little in Trifles: Gentlemen. These are Errors, Diseases
of Youth: which he will mend when he comes to Judg-
ment and knowledge of matters. I pray you conceive
so, and I thank you. And I pray you pardon him, and
I thank you again.
   Quar. Well, this Dry-Nurse, I say still, is a delicate man.
   VVin-w. And I am, for the Cosset, his charge! Did you
ever see a Fellows Face more accuse him for an Ass?
   Quar. Accuse him? it confesses him one without accu-
sing. What pity 'tis yonder wench should marry such a
   VVin-w. 'Tis true.
   Quar. She seems to be discreet, and as sober as she is
   VVin-w. I, and if you mark her, what a restrain'd
scorn she casts upon all his behaviour and speeches?
   Cok. Well, Numps, I am now for another piece of bu-
siness more, the Fair, Numps, and then —
   VVas. Bless me! deliver me, help, hold me! the Fair!
   Cok. Nay, never fidg up and down, Numps, and vex it
self. I am resolute Bartholmew in this; I'll make no suit
on't to you; 'twas all the end of my Journey indeed, to
shew Mrs. Grace my Fair. I call't my Fair, because of
Bartholmew: you know my Name is Bartholmew, and
Bartholmew Fair.
   Joh. That was mine afore, Gentlemen: this morning.
I had that i'faith upon his Licence, believe me, there he
comes after me.
   Quar. Come, John, this ambitious Wit of yours (I am
afraid) will do you no good i' the end.
   Joh. No? why Sir?
   Quar. You grow so insolent with it, and over-doing,
John; that if you look not to it, and tie it up, it will
bring you to some obscure place in time, and there 'twill
leave you.
   VVin-w. Do not trust it too much, John, be more spa-
ring, and use it but now and then; a Wit is a dangerous
thing in this Age; do not over-buy it.
   Joh. Think you so, Gentlemen? I'll take heed on't
   VVin. Yes, do John.
   Cok. A pretty little Soul, this same Mrs. Little-wit
would I might marry her.
   Gra. So would I, or any body else, so I might scape you.
   Cok. Numps, I will see it, Numps, 'tis decreed: never
be melancholly for the matter.
   VVas. Why, see it, Sir, see it, do, see it! who hinders
you? why do you not go see it? 'Slid see it.
   Cok. The Fair, Numps, the Fair.
   VVas. Would the Fair, and all the Drums and Rattles
in't were i' your belly for me: they are already i' your
Brain: he that had the means to travel your head now,
should meet finer sights than any are i' the Fair; and
make a finer Voyage on't; to see it all hung with Cockle-
shels, Pebbles, fine Wheat-straws, and here and there a
Chicken's Feather, and a Cob-web.
   Quar. Good faith, he looks, methinks, an' you mark
him, like one that were made to catch Flies, with his Sir
   VVin-w. And his Numps, to flap 'em away.
   VVas. God, be w'you, Sir, there's your Bee in a Box,
and much good do't you.
   Cok. Why, your Friend, and Bartholmew; an' you be
so contumacious.
   Quar. What mean you, Numps?
   VVas. I'll not be guilty, I, Gentlemen.

            Bartholmew Fair. 401

   Over. You will not let him go, Brother, and lose
   Cok. Who can hold that will away? I had rather
lose him than the Fair, I wusse.
   Was. You do not know the inconvenience, Gentle-
tlemen,Gentlemen you perswade to, nor what trouble I have with
him in these humours. If he go to the Fair, he will buy
of every thing to a Baby there; and Houshold-stuff for
that too. If a Leg or an Arm on him did not grow
on, he would lose it i' the Press. Pray Heaven I bring
him off with one Stone! And then he is such a ravener
after Fruit! you will not believe what a coil I had
t'other day, to compound a business between a Katern-
pear-woman, and him, about snatching! 'tis intolerable,
   Win-w. O! but you must not leave him now to these
hazards, Numps.
   Was. Nay, he knows too well, I will not leave him,
and that makes him presume: well, Sir, will you go
now? if you have such an itch i' your feet, to foot it to
the Fair, why do you stop, am I your Tarriars? go,
will you go? Sir, why do you not go?
   Cok. O Numps! have I brought you about? come
Mistriss Grace, and Sister, I am resolute Bat, i' faith,
   Gra. Truly, I have no such fancy to the Fair; nor
ambition to see it; there's none goes thither of any qua-
lity or fashion.
   Cok. O Lord, Sir! you shall pardon me, Mistriss Grace,
we are enow of our selves to make it a fashion: and for
qualities, let Numps alone, he'll find qualities.
   Quar. What a Rogue in apprehension is this! to un-
derstand her Language no better.
   Win-w. I, and offer to marry to her. Well, I will leave
the chase of my Widow, for to day, and directly to the
Fair. These Flies cannot, this hot season, but engender
us excellent creeping sport.
   Quar. A Man that has but a Spoon full of Brain
would think so. Farewel, John.
   Joh. Win, you see, 'tis in fashion, to go to the Fair,
we must to the Fair too, you and I, Win. I have
an affair i' the Fair, Win, a Puppet-play of mine own
making: say nothing, that I writ for the motion Man,
which you must see, Win.
   Win. I would I might John; but my Mother will
never consent to such a prophane motion: she will
call it.
   Joh. Tut, we'll have a device, a dainty one: (Now,
Wit, help at a pinch, good Wit come, come good Wit, and
't be thy will.) I have it, Win, I have it i' faith, and 'tis
a fine one. Win, long to eat of a Pig, sweet Win, i' the
Fair; do you see? i' the heart o' the Fair; not at Pye-
Your Mother will do any thing, Win, to satis-
fie your longing, you know; pray thee long presently,
and be sick o' the sudden, good Win. I'll go in and tell
her; cut thy Lace i' the mean time, and play the Hy-
sweet Win.
   Win. No, I'll not make me unready for it. I can
be Hypocrite enough, though I were never so straight
   Joh. You say true, you have bin bred i' the Family,
and brought up to't. Our Mother is a most elect Hypo-
and has maintain'd us all this seven year with it,
like Gentle-folks.
   Win. I, Let her alone, John, she is not a wise wilful
Widow for nothing; nor a sanctified Sister for a Song.
And let me alone too, I ha' somewhat o' the Mother in
me, you shall see, fetch her, fetch her, ah, ah.

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Act I.    Scene VI.

Purecraft, Win, John, Busy, Salomon.

Ow, the blaze of the beauteous Discipline, fright
 away this evil from our House! how now Win-
Child: how do you? Sweet Child, speak to me.
   Win. Yes, forsooth.
   Pur. Look up, sweet Win-the-fight, and suffer not the
Enemy to enter you at this Door, remember that your
Education has bin with the purest; what polluted one
was it, that nam'd first the unclean Beast, Pig, to you,
   Win. (Uh, uh.)
   Joh. Not I, o' my sincerity Mother: she long'd above
three hours e'er she would let me know it; who was it
   Win. A prophane black thing with a Beard, John.
   Pur. O! resist it, Win-the-fight, it is the Tempter, the
wicked Tempter, you may know it by the fleshly mo-
tion of Pig, be strong against it, and it's foul temptati-
ons, in these assaults, whereby it broacheth Flesh and
Blood, as it were on the weaker side, and pray against
it's carnal provocations; good Child, sweet Child, pray.
   Joh. Good Mother, I pray you, that she may eat some
Pig, and her belly full too; and do not you cast away
your own Child, and perhaps one of mine, with your
tale of the Tempter: how do you, Win? Are you not
   Win. Yes, a great deal, John, (uh, uh.)
   Pur. What shall we do? call our zealous Brother Bu-
hither, for his faithful fortification in this charge of
the adversary; Child, my dear Child, you shall eat Pig,
be comforted, my sweet Child.
   Win. I, but i' the Fair, Mother.
   Pur. I mean i' the Fair, if it can be any way made
or found lawful; where is our Brother Busy? Will he not
come? look up, Child.
   Joh. Presently, Mother, as soon as he has cleans'd
his Beard. I found him fast by the Teeth, i' the cold
Turkey-pie i' the Cupboard, with a great white Loaf
on his left-hand, and a Glass of Malmsey on his right.
   Pur. Slander not the Brethren, wicked one.
   Joh. Here he is now, purified Mother.
   Pur. O Brother Busy! your help here to edifie and
raise us up in a scruple; my Daughter Win-the-fight is
visited with a natural Disease of Women; call'd, A long-
ing to eat Pig.

   Joh. I Sir, a Bartholmew-Pig: and in the Fair.
   Pur. And I would be satisfied from you, Religiously-
wise, whether a Widow of the sanctified Assembly, or
a Widows Daughter, may commit the act without of-
fence to the weaker Sisters.
   Bus. Verily, for the Disease of Longing, it is a Di-
sease, a carnal Disease, or Appetite, incident to Women:
and as it is carnal, and incident, it is natural, very natu-
ral: Now Pig, it is a Meat, and a Meat that is nourish-
ing, and may be long'd for, and so consequently eaten;
it may be eaten; very exceeding well eaten: but in the
Fair, and as a Bartholmew-Pig, it cannot be eaten; for
the very calling it a Bartholmew-Pig; and to eat it so, is
a spice of Idolatry, and you make the Fair no better than
one of the high Places. This I take it is the state of the
question. A high place.
   Joh. I, but in state of necessity: Place should give
place, Mr. Busy, (I have a conceit left yet.)
   Pur. Good Brother, Zeal-of-the-land, think to make it
as lawful as you can.
   Joh. Yes Sir, and as soon as you can: for it must be
Sir; you see the danger my little Wife is in, Sir.
   Pur. Truly, I do love my Child dearly, and I would
not have her miscarry, or hazard her first fruits, if it
might be otherwise.
F f f                                  Bus. Surely,     

402 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Bus. Surely, it may be otherwise, but it is subject to
construction, subject, and hath a face of offence with
the weak, a great face, a foul face, but that face may
have a veil put over it, and be shaddowed as it were, it
may be eaten, and in the Fair, I take it, in a Booth, the
Tents of the wicked: the place is not much, not very
much, we may be Religious in midst of the prophane, so
it be eaten with a reformed Mouth, with sobriety, and
humbleness; not gorg'd in with gluttony, or greediness;
there's the fear: for, should she go there, as taking pride
in the place, or delight in the unclean dressing, to feed
the vanity of the Eye, or the lust of the Palate, it
were not well, it were not fit, it were abominable, and
not good.
   Joh. Nay, I knew that afore, and told her on't; but
courage, Win, we'll be humble enough, we'll seek out
the homeliest Booth i' the Fair; that's certain, rather
thenthan fail, we'll eat it o' the Ground.
   Pur. I, and I'll go with you my self, Win-the-fight, and
my Brother Zeal of-the-land shall go with us too, for our
better consolation.
   Win. Uh, uh.
   Joh. I, and Salomon too Win, (the more the merrier)
Win, we'll leave Rabby Busy in a Booth. Salomon, my
   Sal. Here, Sir.
   Bus. In the way of comfort to the weak, I will go
and eat. I will eat exceedingly, and prophesie; there
may be a good use made of it too, now I think on't:
by the publick eating of Swines Flesh, to profess our
hate and loathing of Judaism, whereof the Brethren
stand taxed. I will therefore eat, yea I will eat exceed-
   Joh. Good i' faith, I will eat heartily too, because I
will be no Jew, I could never away with that stiffnecked
generation: and truly, I hope my little one will be like
me, that cries for Pig so i' the Mothers Belly.
   Bus. Very likely, exceeding likely, very exceeding

Act II.    Scene I.

Justice Overdoo.

Ell, in Justice name, and the Kings, and for the
 Commonwealth! defie all the World, Adam
for a disguise, and all story; for thou hast fitted
thy self I swear; fain would I meet the Linceus now,
that Eagles Eye, that piercing Epidaurian Serpent (as
my Quint. Horace calls him) that could discover a Ju-
stice of Peace, (and lately of the Quorum) under this
covering. They may have seen many a fool in the ha-
bit of a Justice; but never till now, a Justice in the ha-
bit of a fool. Thus must we do, though that wake for
the publick good: and thus hath the wise Magistrate
done in all Ages. There is a doing of right out of
wrong, if the way be found. Never shall I enough
commend a worthy worshipful Man, sometime a capi-
tal Member of this City, for his high wisdom in this
point, who would take you now the habit of a Porter,
now of a Carman, now of the Dog-killer, in this month
of August; and in the Winter, of a seller of Tinder-
boxes; and what would he do in all these shapes? mar-
ry, go you into every Alehouse, and down into every
Celler; measure the length of Puddings, take the gage
of Black-pots, and Cans, I, and Custards with a Stick;
and their circumference with a Thread; weigh the
Loaves of Bread on his middle-finger; then would he
send for 'em home; give the Puddings to the Poor, the
Bread for the Hungry, the Custards to his Children;
break the Pots, and burn the Cans himself; he would
not trust his corrupt Officers, he would do't himself.
Would all Men in Authority would follow this worthy

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president.precedent For (alas) as we are publick Persons, what
do we know? nay, what can we know? we hear with
other Mens Ears, we see with other Mens Eyes. A foo-
lish Constable, or a sleepy Watchman, is all our infor-
mation, he slanders a Gentleman, by the vertue of his
place, (as he calls it) and we by the vice of ours, must
believe him. As a while agone, they made me, yea me,
to mistake an honest zealous Pursivant, for a Seminary:
and a asecond 'a' should be omitted proper young Batchellor of Musick, for a Bawd.
This we are subject to, that live in high place, all our
intelligence is idle, and most of our intelligencers
Knaves: and by your leave, our selves thought little
better, if not errant Fools for believing 'em. I Adam
am resolv'd therefore, to spare spy-mony here-
after, and make mine own discoveries. Many are the
yearly enormities of this Fair, in whose Courts of Pye-
I have had the honour, during the three days,
sometimes to sit as Judge. But this is the special day for
detection of those foresaid enormities. Here is my
black Book for the purpose; this the Cloud that hides
me; under this Covert I shall see and not be seen. On
Junius Brutus. And as I began, so I'll end; in Ju-
stice name, and the Kings, and for the Common-

Act II.    Scene II.

Leatherhead, Trash, Justice, Urs'la, Moon-calf, Nightingale,
Costermonger, Passengers.

HE Fair's pestlence dead methinks; People come
 not abroad to day, what ever the matter is. Do
you hear, Sister Trash, Lady o' the Basket? sit farther
with your Ginger-bread progeny there, and hinder not
the prospect of my Shop, or I'll ha' it proclaim'd i' the
Fair, what stuff they are made on.
   Tra. Why, what stuff are they made on, Brother
Leather-head? nothing but what's wholsome, I assure
   Lea. Yes, stale Bread, rotten Eggs, musty Ginger, and
dead Hony, you know.
   Jus. I! have I met with enormity so soon?
   Lea. I shall mar your Market, old Jone.
   Tra. Mar my Market, thou too-proud Pedler? do
thy worst, I defie thee, I, and thy Stable of Hobby-
Horses. I pay for my Ground, as well as thou dost, and
thou wrong'st me for all thou art parcel-Poet, and an
Ingineer. I'll find a Friend shall right me, and make
a Ballad of thee, and thy Cattle all over. Are you puft
up with the pride of your Wares? your Arsedine?
   Lea. Go too, old Jone, I'll talk with you anon; and
take you down too, afore Justice Overdoo, he is the Man
must charm you, I'll ha' you i' the Pie-pouldres.
   Tra. Charm me? I'll meet thee Face to Face, afore
his Worship, when thou dar'st: and though I be a lit-
tle crooked o' my body, I'll be found as upright in my
dealing as any Woman in Smithfield; I, charm me?
   Jus. I am glad to hear my name is their terror, yet
this is doing of Justice.
   Lea. What do you lack? what is't you buy? what
do you lack? Rattles, Drums, Halberts, Horses, Babies
[Enter Cost.
o' the best? Fiddles o' th' finest?
   Cos. Buy any Pears, Pears, fine, very fine Pears.
   Tra. By any Ginger-bread, guilt'gilt' Ginger-bread!
   Nig. Hey, now the Fairs a filling!
         O, for a Tune to startle
         The Birds o' the Booths here billing:
         Yearly with old Saint
         The Drunkards they are wading,
         The Punques, and Chapmen trading;
         Who'ld see the Fair without his lading?
Buy any
Ballads; new Ballads?
   Urs. Fie upon't: who would wear out their youth,
and prime thus, in roasting of Pigs, that had any cooler

            Bartholmew Fair. 403

vocation? Hell's a kind of cold Cellar to't, a very fine
Vault, o' my Conscience! what Moon-calf.
   Moo. Here, Mistriss.
   Nig. How now Ursla? in a heat, in a heat?
   Urs. My Chair, you false Faucet you; and my Morn-
ings draught, quickly, a Bottle of Ale, to quench me,
Raskal. I am all fire, and fat, Nightingale, I shall e'en
melt away to the first Woman, a Rib again, I am afraid.
I do water the Ground in knots, as I go, like a great
Garden-pot; you may follow me by the S.S. I make.
   Nig. Alas, good Urs, was Zekiel here this morn-
   Urs. Zekiel? what Zekiel?
   Nig. Zekiel Edgworth, the civil Cut-purse, you know
him well enough; he that talks bawdy to you still: I
call him my Secretary.
   Urs. He promis'd to be here this morning, I re-
   Nig. When he comes, bid him stay: I'll be back again
[Moon-calf brings in the Chair.
   Urs. Best take your morning Dew in your Belly,
Nightingale: come, Sir, set it here; did not I bid you
should get this Chair let out o' the sides, for me, that my
Hips might play? you'll never think of any thing, till
your Dame be rump-gall'd; 'tis well, Changeling: be-
cause it can take in your Grass-hoppers Thighs, you
care for no more. Now you look as you had been i'
the corner o' the Booth, fleaing your Breech with a
Candles end, and set fire o' the Fair. Fill, Stote: fill.
   Jus. This Pig-woman do I know, and I will put her in,
for my second enormity; she hath been before me,
Punk, Pinnace, and Bawd, any time these two and twen-
ty years upon Record i' the Pie-poudres.
   Urs. Fill again, you unlucky Vermine.
   Moo. 'Pray you be not angry, Mistriss, I'll ha' it wi-
den'd anon.
   Urs. No, no, I shall e'en dwindle away to't, e'er the
Fair be done: you think, now you ha' heated me? A
poor vex'd thing I am, I feel my self dropping already,
as fast as I can: two Stone a Sewet'two Stone o' Suet' a day is my propor-
tion: I can but hold Life and Soul together, with this
(here's to you, Nightingale) and a whiff of Tabacco,
at most. Where's my Pipe now? not fill'd? thou errant
   Nig. Nay, Ursla, thou'lt gall between the Tongue and
the Teeth, with fretting, now.
   Urs. How can I hope that ever he'll discharge his
place of trust, Tapster, a Man of reckoning under me,
that remembers nothing I say to him? but look too't,
Sirrah, you were best, three Pence a Pipe full, I will ha'
made, of all my whole half Pound of Tabacco, and a
quarter of a Pound of Coltsfoot, mixt with it too, to eech
it out. I that have dealt so long in the fire, will not be
to seek in smoke, now. Then six and twenty Shillings
a Barrel I will advance o' my Beer, and fifty Shillings a
hundred o' my Bottle-Ale; I ha' told you the ways how
to raise it. Froth your Cans well i' the filling, at length
Rogue, and jog your Bottles o' the Buttock, Sirrah,
then skink out the first Glass, ever, and drink with all
Companies, though you be sure to be drunk; you'll
mis-reckon the better, and be less asham'd on't. But
your true trick, Raskal, must be, to be ever busie, and
mis-take away the Bottles and Cans, in haste, before
they be half drunk off, and never hear any body call,
(if they should chance to mark you) till you ha' brought
fresh, and be able to forswear 'em. Give me a drink of
   Jus. This is the very Womb, and Bed of enormity!
gross as her self! this must all down for enormity, all,
[One knocks.
every whit on't.
   Urs. Look, who's there, Sirrah? five Shillings a Pig is
my Price, at least; if it be a Sow-pig, six Pence more;
if she be a great bellied Wife, and long for't, six Pence
more for that.

[column break]

   Jus. O tempora! O mores! I would not ha' lost my dis-
covery of this one grievance, for my place, and worship
o' the Bench, how is the poor abus'd here! well, I
will fall in with her, and with her Moon-calf, and win
out wonders of enormity. By thy leave, goodly Wo-
man, and the fatness of the Fair: oily as the King's Con-
stables Lamp, and shining as his Shooing-horn! hath thy
Ale vertue, or thy Beer strength? that the Tongue of
Man may be tickled? and his Palate pleas'd in the Morn-
ing? let thy pretty Nephew here, go search and see.
   Urs. What new Roarer is this?
   Moo. O Lord! do you not know him, Mistris? 'tis mad
Arthur of Bradley, that makes the Orations. Brave Ma-
ster, old Arthur of Bradley, how do you? welcome to
the Fair; when shall we hear you again, to handle your
matters? with your Back again a Booth, ha? I ha' bin
one o' your little disciples, i' my days!
   Jus. Let me drink, Boy, with my Love, thy Aunt,
here; that I may be eloquent: but of thy best, lest
it be bitter in my Mouth, and my words fall foul on
the Fair.
   Urs. Why dost thou not fetch him Drink? and offer
him to sit?
   Moo. Is't Ale, or Beer? Master Arthur?
   Jus. Thy best, pretty stripling, thy best; the same
thy Dove drinketh, and thou drawest on Holy-days.
   Urs. Bring him a six Penny Bottle of Ale; they say,
a Fools hansel is lucky.
   Jus. Bring both, Child. Ale for Arthur, and Beer
for Bradley. Ale for thine Aunt, Boy. My disguise takes
to the very wish and reach of it. I shall by the benefit
of this discover enough, and more: and yet get off
with the reputation of what I would be. A certain
midling thing, between a Fool and a Madman.

Act II.    Scene III.

[To them.

Hat! my little lean Ursla! my she-Bear! art
 thou alive yet? with thy litter of Pigs, to grunt
out another Bartholmew Fair? ha!
   Urs. Yes, and to amble afoot, when the Fair is done,
to hear you groan out of a Cart, up the heavy Hill.
   Kno. Of Holborn, Ursla, mean'st thou so? for what?
for what, pretty Urs?
   Urs. For cutting Half-penny Purses: or stealing little
penny Dogs, out o' the Fair.
   Kno. O! good words, good words, Urs.
   Jus. Another special enormity. A cut-purse of the
Sword, the Boot, and the Feather! those are his
   Urs. You are one of those Horse-leaches that gave
out I was dead, in Turn bull-street, of a surfeit of Bottle
Ale and Tripes?
   Kno. No, 'twas better Meat Urs: Cows Udders, Cows
   Urs. Well, I shall be-meet with your mumbling Mouth
one day.
   Kno. What? thou'lt poyson me with a Neust in a Bot-
tle of Ale, will't thou? or a Spider in a Tabacco-pipe,
Urs? Come, there's no malice in these fat Folks, I never
fear thee, and I can scape thy lean Moon-calf here. Let's
drink it out, good Urs, and no vapours!
   Jus. Dost thou hear, Boy? (there's for thy Ale, and
the remnant for thee) speak in thy faith of a Faucet,
now; is this goodly Person before us here, this Vapours,
a Knight of the Knife?
   Moo. What mean you by that, Master Arthur?
   Jus. I mean a Child of the Horn-thumb, a Babe of
booty, Boy, a Cutpurse.
   Moo. O Lord, Sir! far from it. This is Master Dan.
Knockhum: Jordane
the Ranger of Turnbull. He is a
Horse-courser, Sir.
F f f 2                                Jus. Thy              

404 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Jus. Thy Dainty Dame, though, call'd him Cutpurse.
   Moo. Like enough, Sir, she'll do forty such things in
an hour (an you listen to her) for her recreation, if the
toy take her i' the greasie Kerchief: it makes her fat you
see. She battens with it.
   Jus. Here might I ha' been deceiv'd, now, and ha'
put a Fools blot upon my self, if I had not play'd an af-
[Ursla comes in again dropping.
Gameafter-Game o' discretion.
   Kno. Alas poor Urs, this's an ill season for thee.
   Urs. Hang your self, Hackney-man.
   Kno. How? how? Urs, Vapours, motion breed Va-
   Urs. Vapours? never tusk, nor twirle your Dibble,
good Jordane, I know what you'll take to a very drop.
Though you be Captain o' the Roarers, and fight well
at the case of piss-pots, you shall not fright me with
your Lyon-chap, Sir, nor your Tusks; you angry? you
are hungry: come, a Pigs-head will stop your Mouth,
and stay your Stomach at all times.
   Kno. Thou art such another mad merry Urs, still!
Troth I do make conscience of vexing thee, now i' the
Dog-days, this hot weather, for fear of foundring thee
i' the Body, and melting down a Pillar of the Fair. Pray
thee take thy Chair again, and keep state; and let's have
a fresh Bottle of Ale, and a Pipe of Tabacco; and no
Vapours. I'll ha' this Belly o' thine taken up, and thy
Grass scour'd, Wench; look, here's Ezekiel Edgworth;
a fine Boy of his inches, as any is i' the Fair! has still
Money in his Purse, and will pay all, with a kind heart,
and good Vapours.

Act II.    Scene IV.

To them.]
Edgworth, Nightingale, Corn-cutter, Tinder-box-
man, Passengers.

Hat I will indeed, willingly, Master Knockhum, fetch
 some Ale, and Tabacco.
   Lea. What do you lack, Gentlemen? Maid, see a
fine Hobby-horse for your young Master: cost you but
a token a Week his Provender.
   Cor. Ha' you any Corns i' your Feet and Toes?
   Tin. Buy a Mouse-trap, a Mouse-trap, or a Tormen-
tor for a Flea.
   Tra. Buy some Ginger-bread.
   Nig. Ballads, Ballads! fine new Ballads:
   Hear for your Love, and buy for your Money.
   A delicate Ballad o' the
Ferret and the Coney.
   A preservative again' the Punques evil.
   Another of Goose-green-starch, and the Devil.
   A dozen of Divine Points, and the Godly Garters.
   The Fairing of good Counsel, of an Ell and three quar-
What is't you buy?
   The Wind-mill blown down by the Witches Fart!
   Or Saint George, that O! did break the Dragons Heart!
   Edg. Master Nightingale, come hither, leave your
Mart a little.
   Nig. O my Secretary! what says my Secretary?
   Jus. Child o' the Bottles, what's he? what's he?
   Moo. A civil young Gentleman, Master Arthur, that
keeps company with the Roarers, and disburses all still.
He has ever Money in his Purse; He pays for them;
and they roar for him: one do's good offices for another.
They call him the Secretary, but he serves no body. A
great Friend of the Ballad-mans, they are never asunder.
   Jus. What pitty 'tis, so civil a young Man should
haunt this debaucht company? here's the bane of the
youth of our time apparent. A proper pen-man, I see't
in his countenance, he has a good Clerks look with him,
and I warrant him a quick hand.
   Moo. A very quick hand, Sir.
   Edg. All the Purses, and purchase, I give you to day
by conveyance, bring hither to Ursla's presently. Here
we will meet at night in her Lodg, and share. Look

[column break]

you chuse good places for your standing i' the Fair, when
you sing, Nightingale.
[This they whisper, that Overdo hears it not.

   Urs. I, near the fullest passages; and shift 'em often.
   Edg. And i' your singing, you must use your Hawks
Eye nimbly, and fly the Purse to a mark, still, where 'tis
worn, and o' which side; that you may gi' me the sign
with your Beak, or hang your head that way i' the tune.
   Urs. Enough, talk no more on't: your friendship
(Masters) is not now to begin. Drink your draught
of Indenture, your sup of Covenant, and away, the
Fair fills apace, company begins to come in, and I ha'
ne'er a Pig ready yet.
   Kno. Well said! fill the Cups, and light the Tabacco:
let's give fire i' th' Works, and noble Vapours.
   Edg. And shall we ha' Smocks Ursla, and good whim-
sies, ha?
   Urs. Come, you are i' your bawdy vain! the best the
Fair will afford, Zekiel, if Bawd Whit keep his word;
how do the Pigs, Moon-calf?
   Moo. Very passionate, Mistris, on' on 'em has wept
out an Eye. Master Arthur o'Bradley is melancholy,
here, no body talks to him. Will you any Tabacco
Master Arthur?
   Jus. No, Boy, let my meditations alone.
   Moo. He's studying for an Oration, now.
   Jus. If I can with this days travel, and all my policy,
but rescue this youth here out of the hands of the lewd
Man, and the strange Woman, I will sit down at night,
and say with my Friend Ovid, Jamque opus exegi, quod
nec Jovis ira, nec ignis,
   Kno. Here Zekiel; here's a Health to Ursla, and a
kind Vapour: thou hast Money i' thy Purse still, and
store! how dost thou come by it? Pray thee Vapour thy
Friends some in a courteous Vapour.
   Edg. Half I have, Master Dan. Knockhum, is always at
your service.
   Jus. Ha, sweet nature! what Goshawk would prey
upon such a Lamb?
   Kno. Let's see, what 'tis, Zekiel! count it, come, fill
him to pledge me.

Act II.    Scene V.

[To them.
                 Win-wife, Quarlous.

E are here before 'em, methinks.
   Quar. All the better, we shall see 'em come in
   Lea. What do you lack, Gentlemen, what is't you
lack? a fine Horse? a Lyon? a Bull? a Bear? a Dog,
or a Cat? an excellent fine Bartholmew-bird? or an
Instrument? what is't you lack?
   Quar. 'Slid! here's Orpheus among the Beasts, with his
Fiddle, and all!
   Tra. Will you buy any comfortable Bread, Gen-
   Quar. And Ceres selling her Daughters Picture, in
   Win.'Win-w.' as are the other references to 'Win.' in this scene That these People should be so ignorant to
think us chapmen for 'em! do we look as if we would
buy Ginger-bread? or Hobby-horses?
   Quar. Why, they know no better Ware than they
have, nor better Customers than come. And our very
being here makes us fit to be demanded, as well as o-
thers. Would Cokes would come! there were a true
customer for 'em.
   Kno. How much is't? thirty Shillings? who's yonder!
Ned Winwife? and Tom Quarlous, I think! yes, (gi' me it
all) (gi' me it all) Master Winwife! Master Quarlous!
will you take a Pipe of Tabacco with us? do not dis-
credit me now, Zekiel.
   Win. Do not see him! he is the roaring Horse-courser,
pray thee let's avoid him: turn down this way.
Quar. 'Slud                        

            Bartholmew Fair. 405

   Quar. 'Slud, I'll see him, and roar with him too, and
he roar'd as loud as Neptune; pray thee go with me.
   VVin. You may draw me to as likely an inconveni-
ence, when you please, as this.
   Quar. Go to then, come along, we ha' nothing to do,
man, but to see sights now.
   Kno. Welcome Master Quarlous, and Master Win-wife!
will you take any froth, and smoak with us?
   Quar. Yes, Sir, but you'l pardon us, if we knew not of
so much familiarity between us afore.
   Kno. As what, Sir?
   Quar. To be so lightly invited to Smoak and Froth.
   Kno. A good Vapour! will you sit down, Sir? this is
Old Ursla's Mansion, how like you her Bower? here you
may ha' your Punck and your Pig in State, Sir, both pi-
ping hot.
   Quar. I had rather ha' my Punck cold, Sir.
   Jus. There's for me, Punck! and Pig!
[She calls within.
   Urs. What Mooncalf, you Rogue?
   Moo. By and by, the Bottle is almost off, Mistris; here
Master Arthur.
   Urs. I'll part you, and your Play-fellow there, i' the
garded Coat, an' you sunder not the sooner.
   Kno. Master Win-wife, you are proud (me thinks) you
do not talk, nor drink, are you proud?
   Win. Not of the company I am in, Sir, nor the place,
I assure you.
   Kno. You do not except at the Company! do you!
are you in Vapours, Sir?
   Moo. Nay, good Master Dan. Knockhum, respect my
Mistris Bower, as you call it; for the Honour of our
Booth, none o' your Vapours here.
   Urs. Why, you thin lean Polecat you, and they have
a mind to be i' their Vapours, must you hinder 'em?
what did you know, Vermine, if they would ha' lost a
Cloak, or such a Trifle? must you be drawing the Air
of Pacification here? while I am tormented within i'the
[She comes out with a fire-brand.
fire, you Weasel?
   Moo. Good Mistris, 'twas in the behalf of your Booth's
Credit that I spoke.
   Urs. Why! would my Booth ha' broke, if they had
fal'n out in't, Sir? or would their heat ha' fir'd it? In,
you Rogue, and wipe the Pigs, and mend the Fire, that
they fall not, or I'll both baste and roast you till your
Eyes drop out, like 'em. (Leave the Bottle behind you,
and be curst a while.)
   Quar. Body o' the Fair! what's this? Mother o' the
   Kno. No, she's Mother o' the Pigs, Sir, Mother o' the
   Win. Mother o' the Furies, I think, by her Fire-
   Quar. Nay, she is too fat to be a Fury, sure some walk-
ingwalking Sow of Tallow!
   VVin. An inspir'd Vessel of Kitchin-stuff!
   Quar. She'll make Excellent Geer for the Coachma-
kers here in Smithfield, to anoint Wheels and Axel-trees
[She drinks this while.
   Urs. I, I, Gamesters, mock a plain plump soft Wench
o' the Suburbs, do, because she's juicy and wholesome:
you must ha' your thin pinch'd Ware, pent up i' the
compass of a Dog-Collar, (or 'twill not do) that looks
like a long lac'd Conger, set upright, and a green feather,
like Fennel i' the Joll on't.
   Kno. Well said, Urs, my good Urs; to 'em Urs.
   Quar. Is she your Quag-mire, Dan. Knockhum? is this
your Bog?
   Nig. We shall have a quarrel presently.
   Kno. How, Bog? Quagmire? foul Vapours! humh!
   Quar. Yes, he that would venture for't, I assure him,
might sink into her, and be drown'd a week, e're any
Friend he had could find where he were.
   VVin. And then he would be a fort'night weighing up

[column break]

   Quar. 'Twere like falling into a whole Shire of But-
ter: they had need be a Team of Dutchmen should draw
him out.
   Kno. Answer 'em, Urs, where's thy Bartholmew-wit
now, Urs, thy Bartholmew-wit?
   Urs. Hang 'em, rotten, Roguy Cheaters, I hope to
see 'em plagu'd one day (pox'd they are already, I am
sure) with lean Play-house Poultry, that has the Bony
Rump, sticking out like the Ace of Spades, or the point
of a Partizan, that every Rib of 'em is like the Tooth
of a Saw: and will so grate 'em with their Hips and
Shoulders, as (take 'em altogether) they were as good lie
with a hurdle.
   Quar. Out upon her, how she drips! She's able to
give a Man the Sweating Sickness with looking on
   Urs. Marry look off, with a patch o' your face, and
a Dozen i' your Breech, tho they be o' Scarlet, Sir. I ha'
seen as fine out-sides as either o' yours, bring lowsie Li-
nings to the Brokers, e're now, twice a week.
   Quar. Do you think there may be a fine new
Cucking-stool i' the Fair, to be purchas'd? one large
enough, I mean. I know there is a Pond of Capacity
for her.
   Urs. For your Mother, you Rascal, out you Rogue,
you Hedge-bird, you Pimp, you Pannier-man's Ba-
stard, you.
   Quar. Ha, ha, ha.
   Urs. Do you sneer, you Dogs-head, you Trendle Tail!
you look as you were begotten a' top of a Cart in Har-
vest-time, when the Whelp was hot and eager. Go,
snuff after your Brother's Bitch, Mrs. Commodity;
that's the Livery you wear, 'twill be out at the El-
bows shortly. It's time you went to't for the to'ther
   Kno. Peace, Urs, peace, Urs, they'll kill the poor
Whale, and make Oil of her. Pray thee go in.
   Urs. I'll see 'em pox'd first, and pil'd, and double
   Win. Let's away, her Language grows greasier than
her Pigs.
   Vrs.Urs. Does't so, Snotty-nose? good Lord! are you
sniveling? You were engendred on a She-beggar, in a
Barn, when the bald Thrasher, your Sire, was scarce
   Win. Pray thee let's go.
   Quar. No, faith: I'll stay the end of her now: I know
she cannot last long; I find by her Similies she wanes a
   Urs. Does she so? I'll set you gone. Gi' me my Pig-
pan hither a little. I'll scald you hence, and you will
not go.
   Kno. Gentlemen, these are very strange Vapours! and
very idle Vapours! I assure you.
   Quar. You are a very serious Ass, we assure you.
   Kno. Humh! Ass? and serious? nay, then pardon
me my Vapour. I have a foolish Vapour, Gentlemen:
any man that does vapour me the Ass, Master Quar-

   Quar. What then, Master Jordan?
   Kno. I do vapour him the lie.
   Quar. Faith, and to any man that vapours me the lie,
I do vapour that.
   Kno. Nay then, Vapours upon Vapours.
   Edg. Nig. 'Ware the Pan, the Pan, the Pan, she
comes with the Pan, Gentlemen. God bless the Wo-
[Ursla comes in with the Scalding-Pan.
[They fight.
   Urs. Oh.
   Era.Tra. What's the matter?
   Jus. Goodly woman!
[She falls with it.
   Moo. Mistress!
   Urs. Curse of Hell, that ever I saw these Fiends, oh!
I ha' scalded my Leg, my Leg, my Leg, my Leg. I
ha' lost a Limb in the Service! run for some Cream

406 Bartholmew Fair.                

and Sallad Oil, quickly. Are you under-peering,
you Baboon? rip off my Hose, an' you be men, men,
   Moo. Run you for some Cream, good Mother Jone.
I'll look to your Basket.
   Lea. Best sit up i' your Chair, Ursla. Help, Gen-
   Kno. Be of good cheer, Urs, thou hast hindred me
the currying of a Couple of Stallions here, that abus'd
the good Race-Bawd o' Smithfield; 'twas time for 'em
to go.
   Nig. I'faith, when the Pan came, they had made you
run else. (This had been a fine time for purchase, if you
had ventur'd.)
   Edg. Not a whit, these fellows were too fine to carry
   Kno. Nightingale, get some help to carry her Leg out
o' the Air; take off her Shooes; body o' me, she has the
Mallanders, the Scratches, the Crown Scab, and the Quit-
ter Bone i' the to'ther Leg.
   Urs. Oh, the Pox! why do you put me in mind o'
my Leg thus, to make it prick and shoot? would you ha'
me i'the Hospital afore my time?
   Kno. Patience, Urs, take a good heart, 'tis but a Bli-
ster as big as a Windgall; I'll take isit away with the white
of an Egg, a little Honey and Hogs Grease, ha' thy Pa-
sterns well roll'd, and thou shalt pace again by to mor-
row. I'll tend thy Booth, and look to thy Affairs the
while: Thou shalt sit i' thy Chair, and give Directions,
and shine Ursa major.

Act II.    Scene VI.

Justice, Edgworth, Nightingale, Cokes, Waspe, Mistris
Overdoo, Grace.

Hese are the Fruits of Bottle Ale and Tabacco! the
 Fome of the one, and the Fumes of the other! Stay
young man, and despise not the Wisdom of these few
Hairs that are grown gray in care of thee.
   Edg. Nightingale, stay a little. Indeed I'll hear some
o' this!
   Cok. Come, Numps, come, where are you? Welcome
into the Fair, Mistris Grace.
   Edg. 'Slight, he will call Company, you shall see, and
put us into doings presently.
   Jus. Thirst not after that frothy Liquor, Ale: for
who knows when he openeth the Stopple, what may be
in the Bottle? Hath not a Snail, a Spider, yea, a Neust
been found there? thirst not after it, youth: thirst not
after it.
   Cok. This is a brave Fellow, Numps, let's hear him.
   Was. 'Sblood, how brave is he? in a garded Coat?
You were best truck with him, e'en strip, and truck
presently, it will become you, why will you hear
him, because he is an Ass, and may be a-kin to the
   Cok. O, good Numps!
   Jus. Neither do thou lust after that Tawny Weed,
   Cok. Brave words!
   Jus. Whose Complexion is like the Indians that
vents it!
   Cok. Are they not brave words, Sister?
   Jus. And who can tell, if before the gathering and
making up thereof, the Alligarta hath not piss'd
   Was. 'Heart let 'em be brave words, as brave as they
will! and they were all the brave words in a Countrey,
how then? will you away yet? ha' you enough on him?
Mistris Grace, come you away, I pray you, be not you
accessary. If you do lose your Licence, or somewhat
else, Sir, with listning to his Fables, say Numps is a
Witch, with all my heart, do, say so.

[column break]

   Cok. Avoid i' your Sattin Doublet, Numps.
   Jus. The creeping Venome of which subtil Ser-
pent, as some late Writers affirm, neither the cut-
ting of the perillous Plant, nor the drying of it, nor
the lighting or burning, can any way persway or as-
   Cok. Good i' faith! is't not, Sister?
   Jus. Hence it is that the Lungs of the Tabacconist
are rotted, the Liver spotted, the Brain smoak'd like
the Back-side of the Pig-womans Booth here, and the
whole Body within, black as her Pan you saw e'en now
   Cok. A fine Similitude, that, Sir! did you see the
   Edg. Yes, Sir.
   Jus. Nay, the hole in the Nose here, of some Ta-
bacco-takers, or the Third Nostril, (if I may so call it)
which makes, that they can vent the Tabacco out,
like the Ace of Clubs, or rather the Flower-de-lice, is
caused from the Tabacco, the meer Tabacco! when
the poor innocent Pox, having nothing to do there, is
miserably and most unconscionably slander'd.
   Cok. Who would ha' mist this, Sister?
   Over. Not any body but Numps.
   Cok. He does not understand.
[He picketh his Purse.
   Edg. Nor you feel.
   Cok. What would you have, Sister, of a Fellow
that knows nothing but a Basket-Hilt, and an Old
Fox in't? the best Musick i' the Fair will not move a
   Edg. In, to Ursla, Nightingale, and carry her comfort:
see it told. This Fellow was sent to us by Fortune, for
our first Fairing.
   Jus. But what speak I of the Diseases of the Body,
Children of the Fair?
   Cok. That's to us, Sister. Brave i' faith!
   Jus. Hark, O you Sons and Daughters of Smithfield!
and hear what malady it doth the Mind: It causeth
swearing, it causeth swaggering, it causeth snuffling and
snarling, and now and then a hurt.
   Over. He hath something of Master Over-doo, me
thinks, brother.
   Cok. So me thought, Sister, very much of my Brother
Over-doo: And 'tis when he speaks.
   Jus. Look into any Angle o' Town, (the Streights, or
the Bermuda's) where the Quarrelling Lesson is read,
and how do they entertain the time, but with Bottle
Ale and Tabacco? The Lecturer is o' one side, and his
Pupils o' the other; But the Seconds are still Bottle Ale
and Tabacco, for which the Lecturer reads, and the
Novices pay. Thirty Pound a week in Bottle Ale!
Forty in Tabacco! and Ten more in Ale again. Then
for a Suit to drink in, so much, and (that being slaver'd)
so much for another Suit, and then a Third Suit, and a
Fourth Suit! and still the Bottle Ale slavereth, and the
Tabacco stinketh!
   Was. Heart of a mad man! are you rooted here?
Will you never away? What can any man find out in
this bawling Fellow, to grow here for? He is a full hand-
ful higher sin' he heard him. Will you fix here, and set
up a Booth, Sir?
   Jus. I will conclude briefly —
   Was. Hold your peace, you roaring Rascal, I'll run
my Head i' your Chaps else. You were best build a
Booth, and entertain him; make your Will, and you
say the Word, and him your Heir! Heart, I never
knew one taken with a Mouth of a Peck afore. By
this Light, I'll carry you away o' my back, and you will
[He gets him up on pick-pack.
not come.
   Cok. Stay, Numps, stay, set me down: I ha' lost my
Purse, Numps, O my Purse! One o' my fine Purses is
   Over. Is't indeed, Brother?


            Bartholmew Fair. 407

   Cok. I, as I am an honest man, would I were an er-
rant Rogue else! a plague of all roguy damn'd Cut-
purses for me.
   VVas. Bless 'em with all my heart, with all my heart,        
do you see! Now, as I am no Infidel, that I know of,
I am glad on't. I, I am, (here's my Witness) do you
see, Sir? I did not tell you of his Fables, I? no, no, I
am a dull Malt-Horse, I, I know nothing. Are you
not justly serv'd, i' your Conscience now? Speak
i' your Conscience. Much good do you with all
my heart, and his good heart that has it, with all my
heart again.
   Edg. This Fellow is very Charitable, would he
had a Purse too! But I must not be too bold all at a
   Cok. Nay, Numps, it is not my best Purse.
   Was. Not your best! death! why should it be your
worst? why should it be any, indeed, at all? Answer
me to that, gi' me a Reason from you, why it should
be any?
   Cok. Nor my Gold, Numps; I ha' that yet, look here
else, Sister.
   Was. Why so, there's all the feeling he has!
   Over. I pray you, have a better care of that, Bro-
   Cok. Nay, so I will, I warrant you; let him catch
this that catch can. I would fain see him get this, look
you here.
   VVas. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so! Very good.
   Cok. I would ha' him come again now, and
but offer at it. Sister, will you take notice of
a good Jest? I will put it just where th' other
was, and if we ha' good luck, you shall see
a delicate fine Trap to catch the Cut-purse nib-
   Edg. Faith, and he'll try e're you be out o' the
   Cok. Come, Mistris Grace, pre'thee be not melan-
choly for my mischance; sorrow wi' not keep it, Sweet
   Gra. I do not think on't, Sir.
   Cok. 'Twas but a little scurvy white money, hang
it: it may hang the Cut-purse one day. I ha' Gold left
to gi' thee a Fairing yet, as hard as the World goes: no
thing angers me but that no body here look'd like a
Cut-purse, unless 'twere Numps.
   VVas. How? I? I look like a Cut-purse? Death!
your Sister's a Cut-purse! and your Mother and Fa-
ther, and all your Kin were Cut-purses! And here is a
Rogue is the Bawd o' the Cut-purses, whom I will beat
to begin with.

They speak all together: and Waspe beats the

     Jus. Hold thy Hand,
  Child of Wrath, and
  Heir of Anger, make it
  not Childermas Day in
  thy Fury, or the Feast
  of the French Bartholmew,
  Parent of the Massacre.
   Cok. Numps, Numps.
   Over. Good Mr. Hum-

   VVas. You are the Pa-
are you? the Patri-
arch of the Cut-purses?
You share, Sir, they say,
let them share this with
you. Are you i' your hot fit of preaching again? I'll
cool you.
   Jus. Murther, murther, murther.

[column break]

Act III.    Scene I.

VVhit, Haggise, Bristle, Leather-head, Trash.

AY, tish all gone, now! dish tish, phen tou
 vilt not be phitin call, Master Offisher, phat ish
a man te better to lishen out noyshes for tee, and tou
art in an oder 'orld, being very shuffishient noyshes
and gallantsh too, one o' their brabblesh would have
fed ush all dish fortnight, but tou art so bushy about
beggersh still, tou hast no leshure to intend shentlemen,
and't be.
   Hag. Why, I told you, Davy Bristle.
   Cri.Bri. Come, come, you told me a Pudding, Toby
A matter of nothing; I am sure it came to
nothing! You said, let's go to Ursla's indeed; but then
you met the man with the Monsters, and I could not
get you from him. An Old Fool, not leave seeing
   Hag. Why, who would ha' thought any body would
ha' quarrell'd so early? or that the Ale o' the Fair would
ha' been up so soon.
   Whi. Phy? phat a Clock toest tou tink it ish
   Hag. I cannot tell.
   VVhi. Tou art a Vish Vatchman, i'te mean teem.
   Hag. Why? should the Watch go by the Clock, or
the Clock by the Watch, I pray?
   Bri. One should go by another, if they did well.
   VVhi. Tou art right now! phen didst tou ever know
or hear of a shuffishient Vatchman, but he did tell the
Clock, phat bushiness soever he had?
   Bri. Nay, that's most true, a sufficient Watchman
knows what a Clock it is.
   VVhi. Shleeping or vaking! ash well as te Clock him-
shelf, or te Jack dat shtrikes him!
   Bri. Let's enquire of Master Leatherhead, or Jone Trash
here. Master Leatherhead, do you hear, Master Lea-

   VVhi. If it be a Ledderhead, tish a very tick Ledder-
head, tat sho mush noish vill not peirsh him.
   Lea. I have a little business now, good friends, do not
trouble me.
   VVhi. Phat? because o' ty wrought neet Cap,
and ty Phelvet Sherkin, Man? Phy? I have sheene
tee in ty Ledder Sherkin, e're now, Mashter o' de
Hobby-Horses, as bushy and as stately as tou sheem'st
to be.
   Tra. Why, what an' you have, Captain VVhit? He
has his choice of Jerkins, you may see by that, and his
Caps too, I assure you, when he pleases to be either sick
or imploy'd.
   Lea. God a mercy Jone, answer for me.
   VVhi. Away, be not sheen i' my Company, here be
Shentlemen, and men of Vorship.

Act III.    Scene II.

Quarlous, Whit, Win-wife, Busy, John, Pure-craft, Win,
Kockhum, Moon-calf, Ursla.

E had wonderful ill luck, to miss this Prologue
 o' the Purse, but the best is, we shall have Five
Acts of him e're Night: He'll be Spectacle enough! I'll
answer for't.
   Whi. O Creesh! Duke Quarlous, how dosht tou? tou
dosht not know me, I fear? I am te vishesht man, but
Justish Over-doo, in all Bartholmew Fair now. Gi' me
Twelve Pence from tee, I vill help tee to a Vife vorth
Forty Marks for't, and't be.
   Quar. Away, Rouge;Rogue Pimp, away.


408 Bartholmew Fair.                

   VVhi. And she shall shew tee as fine cut o'rke for't
in her Shmock too as tou cansht vish i' faith; vilt
tou have her, Vorshipful Vin-vife? I vill help tee to her
here, be an't be, into Pig-Quarter, gi' me ty Twelve
Pence from tee.
   VVin-w. Why, there's Twelve Pence, pray thee wilt
thou be gone.
   VVhi. Tou art a Vorthy Man, and a Vorshipful Man
   Quar. Get you gone, Rascal.
   VVhi. I do mean it, man. Prinsh Quarlous, if tou
hasht need on me, tou shalt find me here at Ursla's, I vill
see phat Ale and Punque ish i' te Pigshty for tee, bless ty
good Vorship.
   Quar. Look! who comes here? John Little-wit!
   VVin-w. And his Wife, and my Widow, her Mother:
the whole Family.
   Quar. 'Slight, you must gi'em all Fairings now!
   VVin-w. Not I, I'll not see 'em.
   Quar. They are going a feasting. What Schoolma-
ster's that is with 'em?
   VVin-w. That's my Rival, I believe, the Baker!
   Bus. So, walk on in the middle way, fore-right, turn
neither to the right hand nor to the left: let not your
Eyes be drawn aside with Vanity, nor your Ear with
   Quar. O, I know him by that start!
   Lea. What do you lack? what do you buy, pretty Mi-
stris? a fine Hobby-horse, to make your Son a Tilter? a
Drum, to make him a Soldier? a Fiddle, to make him a
Reveller? What is't you lack? Little Dogs for your
Daughters? or Babies, Male or Female?
   Bus. Look not toward them, harken not: the place
is Smithfield, or the Field of Smiths, the Grove of Hob-
by-horses and Trinkets, the Wares are the Wares of De-
vils. And the whole Fair is the Shop of Satan! They
are Hooks and Baits, very Baits, that are hung out on
every side, to catch you, and to hold you, as it were, by
the Gills, and by the Nostrils, as the Fisher doth: There-
fore you must not look nor turn toward them — The
Heathen man could stop his Ears with Wax against the
Harlot o'the Sea: Do you the like with your Fingers a-
gainst the Bells o' the Beast.
   VVin-w. What flashes comes from him!
   Quar. O, he has those of his Oven! a notable hot Ba-
'twas, when he ply'd hethe Peel: he is leading his Flock
into the Fair now.
   VVin-w. Rather driving 'em to the Pens: for he will
let 'em look upon nothing.
   Kno. Gentlewomen, the weather's hot! whither walk
you? Have a care o' your fine Velvet Caps, the Fair
is dusty. Take a sweet delicate Booth, with Boughs,
here i' the way, and cool your selves i' the shade; you
and your Friends. The best Pig and Bottle Ale i' the
Fair, Sir. Old Ursla is Cook, there you may read:
The Pig's Head speaks it. Poor Soul, she has had a
Stringhalt, the Maryhinchco: but she's prettily amen-
[Little-wit is gazing at the Sign; which is the
Pig's Head with a large Writing under it.

   VVhi. A delicate Show-Pig, little Mistris, with
shweet Sauce, and Crackling, like de Bay-Leaf i'
de Fire, la! Tou shalt ha' de clean side o' de Ta-
ble-Clot, and di Glass vash'd with phatersh of Dame
Annesh Cleare.
   Joh. This's fine verily, here be the best Pigs: and
she does roast 'em as well as ever she did; the Pig's
Head says.
   Kno. Excellent, excellent Mistris, with Fire o' Juniper
and Rosemary Branches! The Oracle of the Pig's Head,
that, Sir.
   Pur. Son, were you not warn'd of the Vanity of the
Eye? Have you forgot the wholesome Admonition so
   Joh. Good Mother, how shall we find a Pig, if we

[column break]

do not look about for't? Will it run off o' the Spit
into our mouths, think you? as in Lubberland? and cry,
we, we?
   Bus. No, but your Mother, religiously wise, concei-
veth it may offer it self by other means to the Sense,

Busy scents
after it like
a Hound.

as by way of Steem, which I think it
doth here in this place (Huh, huh) yes, it
doth. And it were a Sin of Obstinacy,
great Obstinacy, high and horrible Obsti-
nacy, to decline or resist the good Titillation of the
famelick Sense, which is the Smell. Therefore be bold
(huh, huh, huh), follow the Scent. Enter the Tents
of the Unclean, for once, and satisfie your Wives
Frailty. Let your frail Wife be satisfied: your zea-
lous Mother, and my suffering self, will also be satisfied.
   Joh. Come, Win, as good winny here as go farther,
and see nothing.
   Bus. We scape so much of the other Vanities, by our
early entring.
   Pur. It is an edifying Consideration.
   Win. This is scurvy, that we must come into the Fair,
and not look on't.
   Joh. Win, have patience, Win, I'll tell you more a-
   Kno. Moon-calf, entertain within there, the best Pig i'
the Booth; a Pork-like Pig. These are Banbury-bloods,
o' the sincere stud, come a Pig-hunting. Whit, wait,
Whit, look to your Charge.
   Bus. A Pig prepare presently, let a Pig be prepared
to us.
   Moo. 'Slight, who be these?
   Urs. Is this the good Service, Jordan, you'ld do
   Kno. Why, Urs? why, Urs? thou'lt ha Vapours i'
thy Leg again presently, pray thee to in, 't may turn
to the Scratches else.
   Urs. Hang your Vapours, they are stale, and stink like
you, are these the Guests o' the Game you promis'd to fill
my Pit withal to day?
   Kno. I, what ail they, Urs?
   Urs. Ail they? they are all Sippers, Sippers o'the Ci-
ty, they look as they would not drink off two penn'orth
of Bottle Ale amongst 'em,comma should be replaced with a period
   Moo. A body may read that i' their small printed
   Kno. Away, thou art a Fool, Urs, and thy Moon-
too, i' your ignorant Vapours now: Hence, good
Guests, I say, right Hypocrites, good Gluttons. In,
and set a Couple o' Pigs o' the Board, and Half a
Dozen of the biggest Bottles afore 'em, and call Whit:
I do not love to hear Innocents abus'd: Fine amb-
ling Hypocrites! and a Stone-Puritan with a Sorrel
Head and Beard, good mouth'd Gluttons: Two to a
Pig, away.
   Urs. Are you sure they are such?
   Kno. O' the right Breed, thou shalt try 'em by the
Teeth, Urs, where's this Whit?

   Whi. Behold, man, and see, what a worthy man am ee!
     With the Fury of my Sword, and the shaking of my
     I will make Ten Thousand Men afeard.

   Kno. Well said, brave Whit, in, and fear the Ale out
o' the Bottles into the Bellies of the Brethren, and the
Sisters drink to the Cause, and pure Vapours.
   Quar. My Roarer is turn'd Tapster, me thinks.
Now were a fine time for thee, Win-wife, to lay a-
board thy Widow, thou'lt never be a Master of a bet-
ter season or place; She that will venture her self into
the Fair, and a Pig-box, will admit any Assault, be as-
sur'd of that.
   Win-w. I love not Enterprises of that suddenness tho.


            Bartholmew Fair. 409

   Quar. I'll warrant thee then, no Wife out o' the Wid-
dows Hundred: if I had but as much Title to her, as to
have breath'd once on that streight Stomacher of hers,
I would now assure my self to carry her, yet ere she
went out of Smithfield. Or she should carry me, which
were the fitter sight I confess. But you are a modest
undertaker, by Circumstances and Degrees; come, 'tis
Disease in thee, not Judgment. I should offer at all to-
gether. Look, here's the poor Fooll again, that was
stung by the Wasp ere while.

Act III.    Scene III.

Justice, Win-wife, Quarlous.

 Will make no more Orations, shall draw on these
 tragical Conclusions. And I begin now to think,
that by a spice of collateral Justice, Adam Overdoo de-
serv'd this beating; for I the said Adam was one Cause
(a By-cause) why the Purse was lost: and my Wives
Brothers Purse too, which they know not of yet. But I
shall make very good mirth with it at Supper, (that will
be the sport) and put my little Friend, Mr. Humphrey
Choler quite out of countenance. When, sitting
at the upper end o' my Table, as I use, and drinking
to my Brother Cokes, and Mrs. Alice Overdoo, as I will,
my Wife, for their good affection to old Bradley, I deli-
ver to 'em, it was I that was cudgell'd, and shew 'em the
Marks. To see what bad Events may peep out o' the
Tail of good Purposes! the Care I had of that ci-
vil young Man, I took fancy to this Morning, (and
have not left it yet) drew me to that exhortation, which
drew the Company indeed; which drew the Cut-purse;
which drew the Money; which drew my Brother Cokes
his loss: which drew on Wasp's anger; which drew on
my beating: a pretty gradation! And they shall ha' it
i' their Dish i' faith at night for Fruit; I love to be mer-
ry at my Table. I had thought once, at one special
blow he ga' me, to have revealed my self; but then (I
thank thee fortitude) I remembred that a wise Man
(and who is ever so great a part o' the Common-wealth
in himself) for no particular disaster ought to abandon
a publick good Design. The Husband-man ought not
for one unthankful Year, to forsake the Plough; the
Shepherd ought not for one scab'd Sheep to throw by his
Tar-box; the Pilot ought not for one Leak i' the Poop
to quit the Helm; nor the Alderman ought not for one
Custard more at a Meal to give up his Cloak; the Con-
stable ought not to break his Staff, and forswear the
Watch for one roaring Night; nor the Piper o' the Pa-
rish (Ut parvis componere magna solebam) to put up his
Pipes for one rainy Sunday. These are certain knock-
ing Conclusions; out of which, I am resolv'd, come
what come can, come Beating, come Imprisonment,
come Infamy, come Banishment; nay, come the Rack,
come the Hurdle, (welcom all) I will not discover who
I am, till my due time; and yet still, all shall be, as I
said ever, in Justice name, and the King's, and for the
   Win.Win-w. What does he talk to himself, and act so seri-
ously? poor Fool!
   Quar. No matter what. Here's fresher Argument, in-
tend that.

Act III.    Scene IV.

Cokes, Leatherhead, Wasp, Mistress Overdoo, Win-wife,
Quarlous, Trash, Grace.

Ome, Mistris Grace, come Sister, here's more fine
 sights, yet i' faith. Gods 'lid where's Numps?
   Lea. What do you lack, Gentlemen? what is't you buy?
fine Rattles! Drums? Babies? little Dogs? and Birds
for Ladies? What do you lack?

[column break]

   Cok. Good honest Numps, keep afore, I am so afraid
thou'lt lose somewhat: my Heart was at my Mouth,
when I mist thee.
   Was. You were best buy a Whip i' your Hand to
drive me.
   Cok. Nay, do not mistake, Numps, thou art so apt to
mistake: I would but watch the Goods. Look you now,
the treble Fiddle, was e'en almost like to be lost.
   Was. Pray you take heed you lose not your self: your
best way, were e'en get up, and ride for more surety.
Buy a tokens worth of great Pins, to fasten your self to
my Shoulder.
   Lea. What do you lack, Gentlemen? fine Purses,
Pouches, Pincases, Pipes? What is't you lack? a pair
o' Smiths to wake you i' the Morning? or a fine whist-
ling Bird?
   Cok. Numps, here be finer things then any we ha'
bought by odds! and more delicate Horses, a great deal
good Numps, stay, and come hither.
   Was. Will you scourse with him? you are in Smith-
you may sit your self with a fine easie going Street-
nag, for your Saddle again Michaelmass term, do, has
he ne're a little odd Cart for you to make a Carroch on,
i' the Countrey, with four pyed Hobyhorses? why the
Meazils, should you stand here, with your Train, cheap-
ing of Dogs, Birds, and Babies? you ha' no Children
to bestow 'em on? ha' you?
   Cok. No, but again I ha' Children, Numps, that's all
   Was. Do, do, do, do; how many shall you have, think
you? an' I were as you, I'ld buy for all my Tenants too,
they are a kind o' civil Savages, that will part with their
Children for Rattles, Pipes, and Knives. You were
best buy a Hatchet, or two, and truck with 'em.
   Cok. Good Numps, hold that little Tongue o' thine, and
save it a labour. I am resolute Bat, thou know'st.
   Was. A resolute Fool, you are, I know, and a very
sufficient Coxcomb; with all my Heart; nay you have
it, Sir, and you be angry, Turd i' your Teet,Teeth twice: (if I
said it not once afore) and much good do you.
   Win.'Win-w.' as is the other reference to 'Win.' in this scene Was there ever such a self-affliction? and so im-
   Quar. Alas! his care will go neer to crack him, let's
in, and comfort him.
   Was. Would I had been set i' the ground, all but the
head on me, and had my Brains bowl'd at, or thresh'd
out, when first I underwent this plague of a charge!
   Quar. How now Numps? almost tir'd i' your Protector-
ship? overparted? overparted?
   Was. Why, I cannot tell, Sir, it may be I am, dos't
grieve you?
   Quar. No, I swear dos't not, Numps: to satisfie you.
   Was. Numps? 'Sblood, you are fine and familiar! how
long ha' we been acquainted, I pray you?
   Quar. I think it may be remembred, Numps, that?
'twas since Morning sure.
   Was. Why, I hope I know't well enough, Sir, I did
not ask to be told.
   Quar. No? why then?
   Was. It's no matter why, you see with your Eyes, now,
what I said to you to day? you'll believe me another
   Quar. Are you removing the Fair, Numps?
   VVas. A pretty question! and a very civil one! yes faith,
I ha' my lading you see; or shall have anon, you may
know whose Beast I am by my Burthen. If the Pan-
nier-mans Jack were ever better known by his Loyns of
Mutton, I'll be flead, and feed Dogs for him when his
time comes.
   VVin. How melancholick Mistris Grace is yonder! pray
thee let's go enter our selves in Grace, with her.
   Cok. Those six Horses, Friend I'll have ——
   VVas. How!

G g g                              Cok. And

410 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Cok. And the three Jews-trumps; and half a dozen
o' Birds, and that Drum, (I have one Drum already)
and your Smiths; I like that device o' your Smiths,
very pretty well, and four Halberts — and (le' me see)
that fine painted great Lady, and her three Women for
state, I'll have.
   VVas. No, the Shop; buy the whole Shop, it will be
best, the Shop, the Shop!
   Lea. If his Worship please.
   VVas. Yes, and keep it during the Fair, Bobchin.
   Cok. Peace, Numps. Friend, do not meddle with him,
an' you be wise, and would shew your Head above
board: he will sting thorow your wrought Night-cap,
believe me. A set of these Violins, I would buy too,
for a delicate young noise I have i' the Countrey, that
are every one a size less then another, just like your
Fiddles. I would fain have a fine young Masque at my
Marriage, now I think on't: but I do want such a
number o' things. And Numps will not help me now,
and I dare not speak to him.
   Tra. Will your Worship buy any Ginger-bread, very
good Bread, comfortable Bread?
   Cok. Ginger-bread! yes, let's see.
[He runs to her Shop.
   VVas. There's the t'other sprindge?
   Lea. Is this well, goody Jone? to interrupt my Mar-
ket in the midst? and call away my Customers? can
you answer this at the Piepouldres?
   Tra. Why? if his Master-ship have a mind to buy, I
hope my Ware lies as open as another's; I may shew
my Ware as well as you yours.
   Cok. Hold your peace; I'll content you both: I'll buy
up his Shop and thy Basket.
   VVas. Will you i' faith?
   Lea. Why should you put him from it Friend?
   VVas. Cry you mercy! you'ld be sold too, would you?
what's the price on you? Jerkin, and all as you stand?
ha' you any Qualities?
   Tra. Yes, Good-man-angry-man, you shall find he
has Qualities if you cheapen him.
   VVas. Gods so, you ha' the selling of him! what are
they? will they be bought for Love or Money?
   Tra. No indeed, Sir.
   VVas. For what then, Victuals?
   Tra. He scorns Victuals, Sir, he has Bread and But-
ter at home, thanks be to God! and yet he will do more
for a good Meal, if the Toy take him i' the Belly: mar-
ry then they must not set him at lower ends; if they do,
he'll go away though he fast. But put him a top o' the
Table, where his place is, and he'll do you forty fine things.
He has not been sent for, and sought out for nothing, at
your great City-suppers, to put down Coriat and Cokeley,
and been laught at for his labour; he'll play you all the
Puppets i' the Town over, and the Players, every Compa-
ny, and his own Company too; he spares no body!
   Cok. I' faith?
   Tra. He was the first, Sir, that ever baited the Fellow
i' the Bear's Skin, an't like your Worship: no Dog ever
came near him since. And for fine Motions!
   Cok. Is he good at those too? can he set out a Mask
   Tra. O Lord, Master! sought to far and neer for his
Inventions: and he engrosses all, he makes all the Pup-
pets i' the Fair.
   Cok. Do'st thou (in troth) old Velvet Jerkin? give
me thy hand.
   Tra. Nay, Sir, you shall see him in his Velvet Jerkin,
and a Scarf too, at night, when you hear him interpret
Master Little-wit's Motion.
   Cok. Speak no more, but shut up Shop presently,
Friend, I'll buy both it and thee too, to carry down
with me, and her Hamper, beside. Thy Shop shall fur-
nish out the Mask, and hers the Banquet: I cannot go
less, to set out any thing with credit. What's the price,
at a word, o' thy whole Shop, Case, and all as it stands?

[column break]

   Lea. Sir, it stands me in Six and twenty Shilling se-
ven Pence half-penny, besides Three Shillings for my
   Cok. Well, Thirty Shillings will do all, then! And
what comes yours too?
   Tra. Four Shillings and eleven Pence, Sir, Ground
and all, an't like your Worship.
   Cok. Yes, it does like my Worship very well, poor
Woman, that's Five Shillings more, what a Mask shall I
furnish out, for Forty Shillings? (Twenty pound Scotch)
and a Banquet of Ginger-bread? there's a stately thing!
Numps? Sister? and my Wedding Gloves too? (that I
never thought on afore.) All my Wedding Gloves,
Ginger-bread? O me! what a device will there be? to
make 'em eat their Fingers ends! and delicate Brooches
for the Bride-men! and all! and then I'll ha' this Poesie
put to 'em: For the best Grace, meaning Mistris Grace,
my Wedding Poesie.
   Gra. I am beholden to you, Sir, and to your Bar-
   VVas. You do not mean this, do you? is this your
first Purchase?
   Cok. Yes faith, and I do not think, Numps, but thou'lt
say, it was the wisest Act that ever I did in my Ward-
   VVas. Like enough! I shall say any thing. I!

Act III.    Scene V.

Justice, Edgworth, Nightingale.[To them.]

 Cannot beget a Project, with all my political Brain,
 yet; my Project is how to fetch off this proper young
Man from his debaucht Company: I have followed him
all the Fair over, and still I find him with this songster:
And I begin shrewdly to suspect their familiarity; and
the young Man of a terrible taint, Poetry! with which
idle Disease, if he be infected, there's no hope of him,
in a State-course. Actum est, of him for a Common-
wealths-man: if he go to't in Rime, once.
   Edg. Yonder he is buying o' Ginger-bread: set in quick-
ly, before he part with too much of his Money.
   Nig. My Masters and Friends, and good People, draw neer, &c.
[He runs to the Ballad Man.

   Cok. Ballads! hark, hark! pray thee, Fellow, stay a
little, good Numps, look to the Goods. What Ballads
hast thou? let me see, let me see my self.
   VVas. Why so! he's flown to another Lime-bush, there
he will flutter as long more; till he ha' ne'er a Feather
left. Is there a vexation like this, Gentlemen? will you
believe me now, hereafter? shall I have Credit with
   Quar. Yes faith, shalt thou, Numps, and thou art
worthy on't, for thou sweatest for't. I never saw a
young Pimp-errant and his Squire better match'd.
   VVin-w. Faith, the Sister comes after 'em, well too.
   Gra. Nay, if you saw the Justice her Husband, my
Guardian, you were fitted for the Mess, he is such a wise
one his way —
   Win-w. I wonder, we see him not here.
   Gra. O! he is too serious for this Place, and yet better
sport then than the other three, I assure you, Gentlemen:
where ere he is, though't be o' the Bench.
   Cok. How dost thou call it! A Caveat against

He shews
his Purse
Cut-purses! a good Jest, i' faith, I would
fain see that Dæmon, your Cut-purse you
talk of, that delicate handed Divel; they say
he walks here about; I would see him walk
now. Look you Sister, here, here, let him
come, Sister, and welcome. Ballad-man, does any
Cut-purses haunt hereabout? pray thee raise me one or
two: begin and shew me one.

Nig. Sir,                 

            Bartholmew Fair. 411

   Nig. Sir, this is a Spell against 'em, spick and span
new; and 'tis made as 'twere in mine own Person, and
I sing it in mine own defence. But 'twill cost a Penny
alone if you buy it.
   Cok. No matter for the price, thou dost not know me,
I see, I am an odd Bartholmew.
   Ove. Ha'st a fine Picture, Brother?
   Cok. O Sister, do you remember the Ballads over the
Nursery-chimney at home o' my own pasting up, there
be brave Pictures. Other manner of Pictures than these
   Was. Yet these will serve to pick the Pictures out o'
your Pockets, you shall see.
   Cok. So I heard 'em say. Pray thee mind him not,
Fellow: he'll have an Oar in every thing.
   Nig. It was intended Sir, as if a Purse should chance
to be cut in my Presence, now, I may be blamless tho':
as by the Sequel will more plainly appear.
   Cok. We shall find that i' the matter. Pray thee be-
   Nig. To the tune of Paggingtons Pound, Sir,comma should be replaced with a period
   Cok. Fa, la la la, la la la, fa la la la. Nay, I'll put
thee in tune, and all! mine own Country dance! Pray
thee begin.
   Nig. It is a gentle Admonition, you must know, Sir,
both to the Purse-cutter, and the Purse-bearer.
   Cok. Not a word more, out o' the tune, an' thou lov'st
me: Fa, la la la, la la la, fa la la la. Come, when?
   Nig. My Masters and Friends, and good People draw near,        
      And look to your Purses, for that I do say;

   Cok. Ha, ha, this Chimes! good counsel at first dash.
   Nig. And tho' little Money, in them you do bear.
[Cok. Good!
        It cost more to get, then to lose in a day.
           You oft have been told,
   Cok. Well said!
he were to blame
that would not i'
           Both the young and the old;
   And bidden beware of the Cut-purse so bold:
Then if you take heed not, free me from the
Who both give you warning, for, and the Cut-purse.
Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starv'd by thy Nurse,
Then live to be hanged for cutting a Purse.

   Cok. Good i' faith, how say you, Numps? Is there
any harm i' this?
   Cok. The
more Cox-
combs they
that did it I
   Nig. It hath been upbraided to Men of my
   That oftentimes we are the Cause of this Crime.
   Alack and for pitty, why should it be said?
   As if they regarded or Places, or Time.
               Examples have been
               Of some that were seen,
     Cok. God a
  mercy for that!
  why should
  they be more
  free indeed?
Westminster Hall, yea, the Pleaders
Then why should the Judges be free from this
More then my poor self, for cutting the
Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starv'd
      by thy Nurse,
Then live to be hanged for cutting a Purse.

   Cok. That again, good Ballad-man, that again. O
rare! I would fain rub mine Elbow now, but I dare
not pull out my hand. On I pray thee, he that made this
Ballad, shall be Poet to my Mask.
[He sings the burden with him.

   Nig. At Worc'ter 'tis known well, and even i' the Jayl,
        A Knight of good Worship did there shew his Face,
        Against the foul Sinners, in zeal for to raile,
{  Cok. Is it
        And lost
(ipso facto) his Purse in the place.
                Nay, once from the Seat
                Of Judgment so great,
[Cok. I' faith?
A Judge there did lose a fair Pouch of Velvet.
O Lord for thy mercy, how wicked or worse,
Are those that so venture their Necks for a Purse! Youth,
        youth, &c.

[column break]

   Cok. Youth, youth, &c? pray thee stay a little, Friend,
yet o' thy Conscience, Numps, speak, is there auyany harm
i' this?
   Was. To tell you true, 'tis too good for you, less you
had grace to follow it.
   Jus. It doth discover enormity, I'll mark it more: I
ha' not lik'd a paltry piece of Poetry so well a good
   Cok. Youth, Youth, &c! where's this Youth now? A
Man must call upon him for his own good, and yet
he will not appear: look here, here's for him; Handy-
dandy, which Hand will he have? On, I pray thee,
with the rest, I do hear of him, but I cannot see him,
[He shews his Purse.
this Master Youth, the Cut-purse.
   Nig. At Plays and at Sermons, and at the Sessions,
        'Tis daily their practice such booty to make:
        Yea, under the Gallows, at Executions,
         They stick not the
Stare-abouts Purses to take.
{  Cok. That was
a fine Fellow!
I would have
him now.
            Nay one without grace,
            at a better Place
Court, and in Christmas, before the
        King's Face,
Alack then for pitty must I bear the Curse,
That only belongs to the cunning Cut-purse?

   Cok. But where's their cunning, now, when they
should use it? they are all chain'd now, I warrant you.
Youth, youth, thou hadst better, &c. The Rat-catchers
Charm, are all Fools and Asses to this! A pox on 'em,
that they will not come! that a Man should have such a
desire to a thing, and want it.
   Quar. 'Fore God I'ld give half the Fair, and 'twere
mine, for a Cut-purse for him to save his longing.
[He shews his Purse again.

   Cok. Look you Sister, here, here, where is't now?
which Pocket is't in, for a Wager?
   Was. I beseech you leave your Wagers, and let him
end his Matter an't may be.
   Cok. O, are you edified Numps?
   Jus. Indeed he do's interrupt him, too much: There
Numps spoke to Purpose.
   Cok. Sister, I am an Ass, I cannot keep my Purse:
on, on, I pray thee Friend.


     VVin-w. Will
  you see sport?
  look, there's
  a Fellow ga-
  thers up to
  him, mark.

     Qua. Good,
  'i faith! O he
  has lighted
  on the wrong
     VVin-w. He
  has it, 'fore
  God he is a
  brave Fellow;

gets up to
him, and
tickles him
in the Ear
with a
twice to
draw his
hand out
of his

   Nig. But O, you vile Nation of
          Cut-purses all,
      Relent and repent, and amend
          and be sound,
      And know that you ought not,
          by honest Mens fall,
      Advance your own Fortunes,
          to dye above Ground,
      And though you go gay,
      In Silks as you may,
  It is not the high way to Heaven,
            (as they say)
  Repent then, repent you, for bet-
            ter, for worse:
And kiss not the Gallows for cutting a Purse.
Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starv'd by
      thy Nurse,
Then live to be hanged for cutting a Purse.

pitty he should be detected.

   All. An excellent Ballad! an excellent Ballad!
   Edg. Friend, let me ha' the first, let me ha' the first,
I pray you.
   Cok. Pardon me, Sir. First come, first serv'd; and
I'll buy the whole bundle too.
   VVin.Win-w. That conveyance was better then all, did you
see't? he has given the Purse to the Ballad-singer.
   Quar. Has he?
   Edg. Sir, I cry you mercy: I'll not hinder the poor
Mans Profit: pray you mistake me not.

G g g 2                              Cok. Sir,                 

406412 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Cok. Sir, I take you for an honest Gentleman; if
that be mistaking, I met you to day afore: ha! humh!
O God! my Purse is gone, my Purse, my Purse, &c.
   Was. Come do not make a stir, and cry your self an
Ass, thorow the Fair afore your time.
   Cok. Why, hast thou it, Numps, good Numps, how
came you by it? I marl!
   Was. I pray you seek some other Gamester to play the
Fool with: you may lose it time enough, for all your
Fair Wit.
   Cok. By this good Hand, Glove and all, I ha' lost it
already, if thou hast it not: feel else, and Mistris
Grace's Handkercher too, out o' the t'other Pocket.
   Was. Why, 'tis well; very well, exceeding pretty,
and well.
   Edg. Are you sure you ha' lost it, Sir?
   Cok. O God! yes; as I am an honest Man, I had it
but e'en now, at youth, youth.
   Nig. I hope you suspect not me, Sir.
   Edg. Thee? that were a jest indeed! Dost thou
think the Gentleman is foolish? where hadst thou hands,
I pray thee? Away Ass, away.
   Jus. I shall be beaten again, if I be spi'd.
   Edg. Sir, I suspect an odd Fellow, yonder, is stealing
   Ove. Brother, it is the preaching Fellow! you shall
suspect him. He was at your t'other Purse, you know!
Nay stay, Sir, and view the work you ha' done, an' you
be benefic'd at the Gallows, and preach there, thank
your own Handy-work.
   Cok. Sir, you shall take no pride in your Preferment:
you shall be silenc'd quickly.
   Jus. What do you mean sweet Buds of Gentility.
   Cok. To ha' my Penyworths out on you: Bud. No
less then two Purses a day serve you? I thought you a
simple Fellow, when my Man Numps beat you i' the
Morning, and pittied you —
   Ove. So did I, I'll be sworn, Brother; but now I see
he is a lewd, and pernicious Enormity: (as Master
Overdoo calls him.)
   Jus. Mine own words turn'd upon me, like Swords.
   Cok. Cannot a Man's Purse be at quiet for you, i' the
Masters Pocket, but you must intice it forth and de-
bauch it?
   Was. Sir, Sir, keep your debauch, and your fine Bar-
Terms to your self; and make as much on 'em
as you please. But gi' me this from you, i' the mean
time: I beseech you, see if I can look to this.
[Wasp takes the License from him.

   Cok. Why, Numps?
   Was. Why? because you are an Ass, Sir, there's a
Reason the shortest way, and you will needs ha' it; now
you ha' got the trick of losing, you'ld lose your Breech
an't 'twere loose. I know you, Sir, come, deliver,
you'll go and crack the Vermine you breed now, will
you? 'tis very fine, will you ha' the Truth on't? they
are such retchless Flies as you are, that blow Cut-purses
abroad in every Corner; your foolish having of Mo-
ney makes 'em. An' there were no wiser then I, Sir,
the Trade should lye open for you, Sir, it should i' faith,
Sir. I would teach your Wit to come to your Head, Sir,
as well as your Land to come into your Hand, I assure
you, Sir.
   Win.Win-w. Alack, good Numps.
   Was. Nay, Gentlemen, never pitty me, I am not
worth it: Lord send me at home once, to Harrow o' the
Hill again, if I travel any more, call me Coriat; withal
my heart.
   Quar. Stay, Sir, I must have a word with you in pri-
vate. Do you hear.
   Edg. With me, Sir, what's your Pleasure? good Sir.
   Quar. Do not deny it. You are a Cut-purse, Sir, this
Gentleman here, and I saw you, nor do we mean to de-
tect you (though we can sufficiently inform our selves,

[column break]

toward the danger of concealing you) but you must do
us a piece of Service.
   Edg. Good Gentlemen, do not undo me; I am a
civil young Man, and but a beginner, indeed.
   Quar. Sir, your beginning shall bring on your ending
for us. We are no Catchpoles nor Constables. That
you are to undertake is this; you saw the old Fellow,
with the black Box here?
   Edg. The little old Governour, Sir?
   Quar. The same: I see, you have flown him to a
Mark already. I would ha' you get away that Box from
him, and bring it us.
   Edg. Would you ha' the Box and all, Sir? or only
that that is in't? I'll get you that, and leave him the
Box to play with still: (which will be the harder o' the
two) because I would gain your Worships good Opini-
on of me.
   Win-w. He says well, 'tis the greater Mastry, and 'twill
make the more sport when 'tis mist.
   Edg. I, and 'twill be the longer a missing, to draw on
the sport.
   Quar. But look you do it now, Sirrah, and keep your
word: or ——
   Edg. Sir, if ever I break my word with a Gentleman,
may I never read word at my need. Where shall I find
   Quar. Some where i' the Fair, hereabouts. Dispatch
it quickly. I would fain see the careful Fool deluded!
of all Beasts, I love the serious Ass. He that takes pains
to be one, and plays the fool with the greatest diligence
that can be.
   Gra. Then you would not chose, Sir, but love my
Guardian, Justice Overdoo, who is answerable to that de-
scription in every Hair of him.
   Quar. So I have heard. But how came you Mistris
Welborn, to be his Ward? or have relation to him, at
   Gra. Faith, through a common Calamity, he bought
me, Sir; and now he will marry me to his Wives Bro-
ther, this wise Gentleman that you see, or else I must
pay value o' my Land.
   Quar. 'Slid, is there no device of disparagement? or
so; talk with some crafty Fellow, some Picklock o' the
Law! Would I had studied a year longer i' the Inns of
Court, and't had been but i' your Case.
   Win-w. I Master Quarlous, are you proffering?
   Gra. You'ld bring but little Aid, Sir.
   Win-w. (I'll look to you 'i faith, Gamester.) An un-
fortunate foolish Tribe you are faln into, Lady, I won-
der you can endure 'em.
   Gra. Sir, they that cannot work their Fetters off must
wear 'em.
   Win-w. You see what care they have on you, to leave
you thus.
   Gra. Faith the same they have of themselves, Sir. I
cannot greatly complain, if this were all the Plea I had
against 'em.
   Win.Win-w. 'Tis true! but will you please to withdraw with
us a little, and make them think they have lost you. I
hope our Manners ha' been such hitherto, and our Lan-
guage, as will give you no Cause, to doubt your self
in our Company.
   Gra. Sir, I will give my self no cause; I am so secure
of mine own Manners, as I suspect not yours.
   Quar. Look where John Little-wit comes.
   Win-w. Away, I'll not be seen by him.
   Quar. No, you were not best, he'ld tell his Mother,
the Widdow.
   Win-w. Heart, what do you mean?
   Quar. Cry you mercy, is the Wind there? must not
the Widdow be nam'd?


            Bartholmew Fair. 403413

Act III.    Scene VI.

John, Win, Trash, Leatherhead, Knockhum, Busy,

O you hear, Win, Win?
   Win. What say you, John?
   Joh. While they are paying the Reckoning, Win, I'll
tell you a thing, Win; we shall never see any Sights i'
the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win; good Win,
sweet Win, long to see some Hobby-horses, and some
Drums, and Rattles, and Dogs, and fine Devices, Win.
The Bull with the five Legs, Win; and the great Hog.
Now you ha' begun with Pig, you may long for any
thing, Win, and so for my Motion, Win.
   Win. But we sha' not eat o' the Bull and the Hog,
John; how shall I long then?
   Joh. O yes, Win: you may long to see, as well as to
taste, Win: How did the Pothecary's Wife, Win, that
long'd to see the Anatomy, Win? or the Lady, Win, that
desir'd to spit i' the great Lawyer's Mouth, after an elo-
quent Pleading? I assure you, they long'd, Win; good
Win, go in, and long.
   Tra. I think we are rid of our new Customer, Bro-
ther Leather-head, we shall hear no more of him.
[They plot to be gone.

   Lea. All the better; let's pack up all, and be gone,
before he find us.
   Tra. Stay a little, yonder comes a Company; it may
be we may take some more Money.
   Kno. Sir, I will take your Counsel, and cut my Hair,
and leave Vapours: I see, that Tabacco, and Bottle-ale,
and Pig, and Whit, and very Ursla her self, is all Vanity.
   Bus. Only Pig was not comprehended in my Admo-
nition, the rest were: For long Hair, it is an Ensign of
Pride, a Banner; and the World is full of those Banners,
very full of Banners. And Bottle-ale is a Drink of Sa-
tan's, a Diet-drink of Satan's, devised to puff us up, and
make us swell in this latter Age of Vanity; as the Smoke
of Tabacco, to keep us in Mist and Error: But the flesh-
ly Woman (which you call Ursla) is above all to be
avoided, having the Marks upon her of the three Ene-
mies of Man; the World, as being in the Fair; the De-
vil, as being in the Fire; and the Flesh, as being her self.
   Pur. Brother Zeal-of-the-land! what shall we do? My
Daughter Win-the-fight is fall'n into her Fit of Longing
   Bus. For more Pig? There is no more, is there?
   Pur. To see some Sights i' the Fair.
   Bus. Sister, let her fly the impurity of the place swift-
ly, lest she partake of the Pitch thereof. Thou art the
Seat of the Beast, O Smithfield, and I will leave thee.
Idolatry peepeth out on every side of thee.
   Kno. An excellent right Hypocrite! Now his Belly is
full, he falls a railing and kicking, the Jade. A very
good Vapour! I'll in, and joy Ursla, with telling how
her Pig works; two and a half he eat to his Share; and
he has drunk a Pail-full. He eats with his Eyes, as well
as his Teeth.
   Lea. What do you lack, Gentlemen? What is't you
buy? Rattles, Drums, Babies ——
   Bus. Peace, with thy Apocryphal Wares, thou pro-
fane Publican: thy Bells, thy Dragons, and thy Tobies
Thy Hobby-horse is an Idol, a very Idol, a fierce
and rank Idol: and thou, the Nebuchadnezzar, the proud
Nebuchadnezzar of the Fair, that set'st it up, for Chil-
dren to fall down to, and worship.
   Lea. Cry you mercy, Sir; will you buy a Fiddle to
fill up your noise?
   Joh. Look, Win, do, look a Gods name, and save your
Longing. Here be fine Sights.
   Pur. I, Child, so you hate 'em, as our Brother Zeal
does, you may look on 'em.

[column break]

   Lea. Or what do you say to a Drum, Sir?
   Bus. It is the broken Belly of the Beast, and thy Bel-
lows there are his Lungs, and these Pipes are his Throat,
those Feathers are of his Tail, and thy Rattles the gnash-
ing of his Teeth.
   Tra. And what's my Gingerbread, I pray you?
   Bus. The Provender that pricks him up. Hence with
thy basket of Popery, thy Nest of Images, and whole
Legend of Ginger-work.
   Lea. Sir, if you be not quiet the quicklier, I'll ha' you
clapp'd fairly by the Heels, for disturbing the Fair.
   Bus. The Sin of the Fair provokes me, I cannot be
   Pur. Good brother Zeal!
   Lea. Sir, I'll make you silent, believe it.
   Joh. I'ld give a Shilling you could, i' faith, Friend.
   Lea. Sir, give me your Shilling, I'll give you my Shop,
if I do not; and I'll leave it in pawn with you i' the
mean time.
   Joh. A match, i' faith; but do it quickly then.
   Bus. Hinder me not, Woman. I was
[He speaks to
mov'd in spirit, to be here this day, in
the Widow.
this Fair, this wicked and foul Fair; and
fitter may it be call'd a Foul than a Fair;
to protest against the Abuses of it, the foul Abuses of
it, in regard of the afflicted Saints, that are troubled,
very much troubled, exceedingly troubled, with the open-
ing of the Merchandise of Babylon again, and the peep-
ing of Popery upon the Stalls here, here, in the High Pla-
ces. See you not Goldylocks, the purple Strumpet there,
in her yellow Gown and green Sleeves? the prophane
Pipes, the tinkling Timbrels? A Shop of Relicks!
   Joh. Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with 'em.
   Bus. And this idolatrous Grove of Images, this Flasket
of Idols, which I will pull down —
[Overthrows the Gingerbread.

   (Tra. O my Ware, my Ware, God bless it.)
   Bus. In my zeal, and glory to be thus exercis'd.
[Leatherhead enters with Officers.

   Lea. Here he is, pray you lay hold on his Zeal; we
cannot sell a Whistle for him in tune. Stop his noise
   Bus. Thou canst not; 'tis a sanctified noise. I will
make a loud and most strong noise, till I have daunted
the profane Enemy. And for this Cause —
   Lea. Sir, here's no Man afraid of you, or your Cause.
You shall swear it i' the Stocks, Sir.
   Bus. I will thrust my self into the Stocks, upon the
Pikes of the Land.
   Lea. Carry him away.
   Pur. What do you mean, wicked Men?
   Bus. Let them alone, I fear them not.
   Joh. Was not this Shilling well ventur'd, Win, for our
Liberty? Now we may go play, and see over the Fair,
where we list our selves; my Mother is gone after him,
and let her e'en go, and lose us.
   VVin. Yes, John; but I know not what to do.
   Joh. For what, VVin?
   VVin. For a thing I am asham'd to tell you, i' faith;
and 'tis too far to go home.
   Joh. I pray thee be not asham'd, VVin. Come, i'
faith, thou shalt not be asham'd: Is it any thing about
the Hobby-horse Man? an't be, speak freely.
   VVin. Hang him, base Bobchin, I scorn him; no, I
have very great, what sha' call 'um, John.
   Joh. O! Is that all, VVin? We'll go back to Captain
Jordan, to the Pig-womans, VVin, he'll help us, or she,
with a Dripping-pan, or an old Kettle, or something.
The poor greasie Soul loves you, VVin; and after we'll
visit the Fair all over, VVin, and see my Puppet-play,
VVin; you know it's a fine matter, VVin.
   Lea. Let's away; I counsel'd you to pack up afore,
   Tra. A pox of his Bedlam Purity. He has spol'dspoil'd half

414 Bartholmew Fair.                

my Ware: But the best is, we lose nothing, if we miss
our first Merchant.
   Lea. It shall be hard for him to find, or know us, when
we are translated, Jone.

Act IV.    Scene I.

Trouble-all, Bristle, Haggise, Cokes, Justice, Pocher,
Busy, Purecraft.

Y Masters, I do make no doubt but you are
   Bri. What then, Sir?
   Tro. And the King's loving, and obedient Subjects.
   Bri. Obedient, Friend? Take heed what you speak, I
advise you; Oliver Bristle advises you. His loving Sub-
jects, we grant you; but not his obedient, at this time,
by your leave; we know our selves a little better than
so; we are to command, Sir, and such as you are to be
obedient. Here's one of his Obedient Subjects, going
to the Stocks; and we'll make you such another, if you
   Tro. You are all wise enough i' your Places, I know.
   Bri. If you know it, Sir, why do you bring it in que-
   Tro. I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope
you have Warrant for what you do, and so quit you,
[He goes away again.
and so multiply you.
   Hag. What's he? Bring him up to the Stocks there.
Why bring you him not up?
[Comes again.
   Tro. If you have Justice Overdo's War-
rant, 'tis well; you are safe; that is the
Warrant of Warrants. I'll not give this Button for any
Man's Warrant else.
   Bri. Like enough, Sir; but let me tell you, an' you
play away your Buttons thus, you will want 'em e'er
night, for any store I see about you; you might keep
[Goes away.
'em, and save Pins, I wuss.
   Jus. What should he be, that doth so esteem and ad-
vance my Warrant? He seems a sober and discreet Per-
son! It is a comfort to a good Conscience, to be fol-
low'd with a good Fame in his Sufferings. The World
will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear Adver-
sity; and it will beget a kind of Reverence toward me,
hereafter, even from mine Enemies, when they shall see,
I carry my Calamity nobly, and that it doth neither
break me, nor bend me.
   Hag. Come, Sir, here's a place for you to preach in.
[They put him in the Stocks.
Will you put in your Leg?
   Jus. That I will, chearfully.
   Bri. O' my conscience, a Seminary! he kisses the
   Cok. Well, my Masters, I'll leave him with you; now
I see him bestow'd, I'll go look for my Goods, and
   Hag. You may, Sir, I warrant you: Where's the t'o-
ther Bawler? Fetch him too, you shall find 'em both fast
   Jus. In the midst of this Tumult, I will yet be the
Author of mine own Rest, and not minding their Fury,
sit in the Stocks, in that calm as shall be able to trouble
a Triumph.
[Comes again.
   Tro. Do you assure me upon your
words? May I undertake for you, if I
be ask'd the Question, that you have this Warrant?
   Hag. What's this Fellow, for God's sake?
   Tro. Do but shew me Adam Overdoo, and I am satis-
[Goes out.
   Bri. He is a Fellow that is distracted, they say; one
Trouble-all: He was an Officer in the Court of Pie-pow-
here, last year, and put out of his Place by Justice
   Jus. Ha!

[column break]

   Bri. Upon which, he took an idle Conceit, and's run
mad upon't: So that ever since, he will do nothing, but
by Justice Overdo's Warrant; he will not eat a Crust,
nor drink a little, nor make him in his Apparel ready.
His Wife, Sirreverence, cannot get him make his Water,
or shift his Shirt, without his Warrant.
   Jus. If this be true, this is my greatest Disaster! How
am I bound to satisfie this poor Man, that is of so good
a nature to me, out of his Wits! where there is no room
left for dissembling.
[Comes in.
   Tro. If you cannot shew me Adam Over-
I am in doubt of you: I am afraid
[Goes again.
you cannot answer it.
   Hag. Before me, Neighbour Bristle, (and now I think
on't better) Justice Overdoo is a very parantoryalternate spelling of 'peremptory' Person.
   Bri. O, are you advis'd of that? and a severe Justicer,
by your leave.
   Jus. Do I hear ill o' that side too?
   Bri. He will sit as upright o' the Bench, an' you mark
him, as a Candle i' the Socket, and give Light to the
whole Court in every Business.
   Hag. But he will burn blue, and swell like a Bile
(God bless us) an' he be angry.
   Bri. I, and he will be angry too, when his list, that's
more; and when he is angry, be it right or wrong, he
has the Law on's side ever. I mark that too.
   Jus. I will be more tender hereafter. I see Compas-
sion may become a Justice, though it be a Weakness, I
confess, and nearer a Vice than a Vertue.
   Hag. Well, take him out o' the Stocks again; we'll
go a sure way to work, we'll ha' the Ace of Hearts of
[They take the Justice out.
our side, if we can.
   Poc. Come, bring him away to his Fellow there. Ma-
ster Busy, we shall rule your Legs, I hope, though we can-
not rule your Tongue.
   Bus. No, Minister of Darkness, no; thou canst not
rule my Tongue; my Tongue it is mine own, and with it
I will both knock, and mock down your Bartholmew-
abominations, till you be made a Hissing to the neigh-
bour Parishes round about.
   Hag. Let him alone, we have devis'd better upon't.
   Pur. And shall he not into the Stocks then?
   Bri. No, Mistris, we'll have 'em both to Justice Over-
and let him do over 'em as is fitting. Then I, and
my Gossip Haggis, and my Beadle Pocher are discharg'd.
   Pur. O, I thank you, blessed, honest Men!
   Bri. Nay, never thank us; but thank this Mad-man
that comes here; he put it in our Heads.
   Pur. Is he mad? Now Heaven increase his Madness,
and bless it, and thank it: Sir, your poor Hand-maid
[Comes again.
thanks you.
   Tro. Have you a Warrant? An' you have a Warrant,
shew it.
   Pur. Yes, I have a Warrant out of the Word, to give
thanks for removing any Scorn intended to the Brethren.
   Tro. It is Justice Overdo's Warrant that I look for; if
you have not that, keep your word, I'll keep mine. Quit
ye, and multiply ye.

Act IV.    Scene II.

Edgworth, Trouble-all, Nightingale, Cokes, Costardmonger.

Ome away, Nightingale, I pray thee.
   Tro. VVhither go you? where's your VVarrant?
   Edg. VVarrant! for what, Sir?
   Tro. For what you go about, you know how fit it is;
an' you have no VVarrant, bless you, I'll pray for you,
[Goes out.
that's all I can do.
   Edg. VVhat means he?
   Nig. A Mad-man that haunts the Fair; do you not
know him? It's marvel he has not more Followers after
his ragged Heels.
   Edg. Beshrew him, he startled me: I thought he had

            Bartholmew Fair. 415

known of our Plot. Guilt's a terrible thing! Ha' you
prepar'd the Costard-monger?
   Nig. Yes, and agreed for his Basket of Pears; he is at
the Corner here, ready. And your Prise, he comes down
sailing that way all alone, without his Protector; he is
rid of him, it seems.
   Edg. I, I know; I should ha' follow'd his Protector-
ship, for a Feat I am to do upon him: But this offer'd it
self so i' the way, I could not let it scape: Here he
comes, whistle; be this Sport call'd, Dorring the Dottrel.
[Nightingale whistles.
   Nig. Wh, wh, wh, wh, &c.
   Cok. By this Light, I cannot find my Gingerbread
Wife, nor my Hobbyhorse Man, in all the Fair now, to
ha' my Money again: And I do not know the way out
on't, to go home for more. Do you hear, Friend, you
that whistle? what Tune is that you whistle?
   Nig. A new Tune, I am practising, Sir.
   Cok. Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee?
Nay, on with thy Tune; I ha' no such haste for an An-
swer: I'll practise with thee.
   Cos. Buy any Pears, very fine Pears, Pears fine.
[Nightingale sets his Foot afore him,
   and he falls with his Basket.

   Cok. Gods so! a muss, a muss, a muss, a muss.
   Cos. Good Gentleman, my Ware, my Ware; I am a
poor Man. Good Sir, my Ware.
   Nig. Let me hold your Sword, Sir, it troubles you.
   Cok. Do, and my Cloke, an' thou wilt, and my Hat
[Cokes falls a scrambling, whilst they run
   away with his things.

   Edg. A delicate great Boy! Me thinks he out-scram-
bles 'em all. I cannot perswade my self, but he goes to
Grammar-school yet, and plays the Treuant to day.
   Nig. Would he had another Purse to cut, Zekiel.
   Edg. Purse! A Man might cut out his Kidneys, I
think, and he never feel 'em, he is so earnest at the
   Nig. His Soul is half way out on's Body, at the Game.
   Edg. Away, Nightingale; that way.
   Cok. I think I am furnish'd for Cattern-pears, for one
Under-meal: Gi' me my Cloak.
   Cos. Good Gentleman, give me my Ware.
   Cok. Where's the Fellow I ga' my Cloak to? My
Cloak and my Hat? Ha! Gods 'lid, is he gone? Thieves,
[He runs out.
Thieves; help me to cry, Gentlemen.
   Edg. Away, Costard-monger, come to us to Ursla's.
Talk of him to have a Soul! 'Heart, if he have any
more than a thing given him in stead of Salt, only to
keep him from stinking, I'll be hang'd afore my time,
presently: Where should it be trow? in his Blood? He
has not so much to'ard it in his whole Body, as will
maintain a good Flea: And if he takes this course, he
will not ha' so much Land left, as to rear a Calf, with-
in this Twelve-month. Was there ever green Plover so
pull'd! That his little Overseer had been here now, and
been but tall enough to see him steal Pears, in exchange
for his Bever-hat and his Cloke thus! I must go find him
out next, for his Black Box, and his Patent (it seems)
he has of his Place; which I think the Gentleman
would have a Reversion of, that spoke to me for it so

He comes         
   Cok. Would I might lose my Doublet,
and Hose too, as I am an honest Man, and
never stir, if I think there be any thing
but thieving and cozning i' this whole Fair. BarthomewBartholmew
quoth he; an' ever any Bartholmew had that luck
in't that I have had, I'll be Martyr'd for him, and in

Throws a-
way his

Smithfield too. I ha' paid for my Pears,
a rot on 'em, I'll keep 'em no longer; you
were Choak-pears to me: I had been bet-
ter ha' gone to Mum-chance for you, I
wuss. Me thinks the Fair should not have
us'd me thus, and 'twere but for my Names-sake; I
would not ha' us'd a Dog o' the Name so. O, Numps

[column break]

will triumph now! Friend, do you know who I am?
or where I lie? I do not my self, I'll be sworn. Do but
carry me home, and I'll please thee; I ha' Money enough
there. I ha' lost my self, and my Cloke, and my Hat,
and my fine Sword, and my Sister, and Numps, and Mi-
stris Grace, (a Gentlewoman that I should ha' married)
and a Cut-work Handkercher she ga' me, and two Pur-
ses, to day; and my Bargain o' Hobby-horses and Gin-
gerbread, which grieves me worst of all.
[Trouble-all comes again.

   Tro. By whose Warrant, Sir, have you done all this?
   Cok. Warrant? Thou art a wise Fellow indeed; as if
a Man need a VVarrant to lose any thing with!
   Tro. Yes, Justice Overdoo's VVarrant, a Man may get
and lose with, I'll stand to't.
   Cok. Justice Overdoo? Dost thou know him? I lie
there; he is my Brother-in-Law, he married my Sister:
Pray thee shew me the way; dost thou know the House?
   Tro. Sir, shew me your VVarrant; I know nothing
without a VVarrant, pardon me.
   Cok. Why, I warrant thee; come along: thou shalt
see I have wrought Pillows there, and Cambrick Sheets,
and Sweet-bags too. Pray thee guide me to the House.
   Tro. Sir, I'll tell you; go you thither your self first
alone, tell your worshipful Brother your Mind, and but
bring me three Lines of his Hand, or his Clerks, with
Adam Overdoo underneath; here I'll stay you, I'll obey
you, and I'll guide you presently.
   Cok. 'Slid, this is an Ass, I ha' found him; Pox upon
me, what do I talking to such a dull Fool? Farewel,
you are a very Coxcomb, do you hear?
   Tro. I think I am; if Justice Overdoo sign to it, I am,
and so we are all: he'll quit us all, multiply us all.

Act IV.    Scene III.

Grace, Quarlous, Win-wife, Trouble-all, Edgworth.

They enter with their Swords drawn.

Entlemen, this is no way that you take: you do
 but breed one another trouble and offence, and
give me no contentment at all. I am no she that affects
to be quarrel'd for, or have my Name or Fortune made
the Question of Mens Swords.
   Qua. 'Slood, we love you.
   Gra. If you both love me, as you pretend, your own
Reason will tell you, but one can enjoy me: and to that
Point there leads a directer Line, than by my Infamy,
which must follow, if you fight. 'Tis true, I have pro-
fest it to you ingenuously, that rather than to be yoak'd
with this Bridegroom is appointed me, I would take up
any Husband almost upon any trust. Though Subtilty
would say to me, (I know) he is a Fool, and has an
Estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy a Friend
beside. But these are not my Aims; I must have a Hus-
band I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill
make one of these Politick Wives.
   Win-w. Why, if you can like either of us, Lady, say,
which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.
   Qua. Content, I accord to that willingly.
   Gra. Sure you think me a Woman of an extream le-
vity, Gentlemen, or a strange fansie, that (meeting you
by chance in such a place as this, both at one instant,
and not yet of two hours acquaintance, neither of you
deserving afore the other of me) I should so forsake my
Modesty (though I might affect one more particularly)
as to say, This is he, and name him.
   Qua. Why, wherefore should you not? What should
hinder you?
   Gra. If you would not give it to my Modesty, allow
it ye to my Wit; give me so much of Woman, and
Cunning, as not to betray my self impertinently. How
can I judge of you, so far as to a Choice, without know-

416 Bartholmew Fair.                

ing you more? You are both equal, and alike to me,
yet; and so indifferently affected by me, as each of you
might be the Man, if the other were away. For you
are reasonable Creatures, you have Understanding and
Discourse; and if Fate send me an understanding Hus-
band, I have no fear at all, but mine own Manners shall
make him a good one.
   Quar. Would I were put forth to making for you then.
   Gra. It may be you are, you know not what's toward
you: will you consent to a Motion of mine, Gentlemen?
   Win-w. Whatever it be, we'll presume reasonableness,
coming from you.
   Quar. And fitness too.
   Gra. I saw one of you buy a pair of Tables e'en now.
   Win-w. Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, un-
written in.
   Gra. The fitter for what they may be employ'd in.
You shall write either of you here a Word, or a Name,
what you like best; but of two or three Syllables at
most: and the next Person that comes this way (be-
cause Destiny has a high hand in Business of this nature)
I'll demand, which of the two Words he or she doth
approve; and according to that Sentence, fix my Reso-
lution and Affection, without change.
   Quar. Agreed; my Word is conceived already.
   Win-w. And mine shall not be long creating after.
   Gra. But you shall promise, Gentlemen, not to be cu-
rious to know which of you it is, taken; but give me
leave to conceal that, till you have brought me either
home, or where I may safely tender my self.
   Win-w. Why that's but equal.
   Quar. We are pleas'd.
   Gra. Because I will bind both your Endeavours to
work together friendly and jointly each to the others
Fortune, and have my self fitted with some Means, to
make him that is forsaken, a part of amends.
   Quar. These Conditions are very courteous. Well,
my Word is out of the Arcadia then, Argalus.
   Win-w. And mine out of the Play, Palemon.
[Trouble-all comes again.

   Tro. Have you any Warrant for this, Gentlemen?
   Quar. Win-w. Ha!
   Tro. There must be a Warrant had, believe it.
   Win-w. For what?
   Tro. For whatsoever it is, any thing indeed, no mat-
ter what.
   Quar. 'Slight, here's a fine ragged Prophet dropt down
i' the nick!
   Tro. Heaven quit you, Gentlemen.
   Quar. Nay, stay a little: Good Lady, put him to the
   Gra. You are content then?
   Win-w. Quar. Yes, yes.
   Gra. Sir, here are two Names written —
   Tro. Is Justice Overdoo one?
   Gra. How, Sir? I pray you read 'em to your self; it
is for a Wager between these Gentlemen: and with a
stroke, or any difference, mark which you approve best.
   Tro. They may be both worshipful Names, for ought
I know, Mistris; but Adam Overdoo had been worth
three of 'em, I assure you, in this place, that's in plain
   Gra. This Man amazes me! I pray you, like one of
'em, Sir.
   Tro. I do like him there, that has the best Warrant,
Mistris, to save your longing, and (multiply him) it
may be this. But I am still for Justice Overdoo, that's my
Conscience; and quit you.
   Win-w. Is't done, Lady?
   Gra. I, and strangely, as ever I saw! What Fellow is
this, trow?
   Quar. No matter what; a Fortune-teller, we ha' made
him. Which is't, which is't?
   Gra. Nay, did you not promise not to enquire?

[column break]

   Quar. 'Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me. Look,
here's our Mercury come: The Licence arrives i' the
finest time too! 'Tis but scraping out Cokes his Name,
and 'tis done.
   VVin-w. How now, Lime-twig? hast thou touch'd?
   Edg. Not yet, Sir; except you would go with me, and
see't, it's not worth speaking on. The Act is nothing,
without a Witness. Yonder he is, your Man with the
Box, fallen into the finest Company, and so transported
with Vapours; they ha' got in a Northern Clothier,
and one Puppy, a Western Man, that's come to wrastle
before my Lord Mayor anon, and Captain VVhit, and
one Val Cutting, that helps Captain Jordan to roar, a
circling Boy; with whom your Numps is so taken, that
you may strip him of his Clothes, if you will. I'll un-
dertake to geld him for you, if you had but a Surgeon
ready to sear him. And Mistris Justice there, is the
goodest Woman! she does so love 'em all over, in terms
of Justice, and the Style of Authority, with her Hood
upright — that I beseech you come away Gentlemen,
and see't.
   Quar. 'Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what'll
you do, Ned?
   VVin-w. Why, stay here about for you: Mistris VVel-
must not be seen.
   Quar. Do so, and find out a Priest i' the mean time;
I'll bring the Licence. Lead, which way is't?
   Edg. Here, Sir, you are o' the back-side o' the Booth
already; you may hear the Noise.

Act IV.    Scene IV.

Knockhum, Nordern, Puppy, Cutting, VVhit, Edgworth,
Quarlous, Overdoo, VVasp, Bristle.

Hit, bid Val Cutting continue the Vapours for a
 lift, VVhit, for a lift.
   Nor. I'll ne mare, I'll ne mare; the Eale's too meeghty.
   Kno. How now! my Galloway Nag the Staggers! ha!
VVhit, gi' him a Slit i' the Forehead. Chear up, Man;
a Needle and Thred, to stitch his Ears. I'ld cure him
now, an I had it, with a little Butter and Garlick, Long
Pepper and Grains. Where's my Horn? I'll gi' him a
Mash presently, shall take away this Dizziness.
   Pup. Why, where are you, Zurs? Do you vlinch, and
leave us i' the Zuds now?
   Nor. I'll ne mare, I'is e'en as vull as a Paipers Bag, by
my troth, I.
   Pup. Do my Northern Cloth zhrink i' the wetting? ha?
   Kno. Why, well said, old Flea-bitten; thou'lt never
[They fall to their Vapours again.
tire, I see.
   Cut. No, Sir; but he may tire, if it please him.
   VVhi. VVho told dee sho? that he vuld never teer,
   Cut. No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.
   Kno. Nay, I know nothing, Sir, pardon me there.
   Edg. They are at it still, Sir; this they call Vapours.
   VVhi. He shall not pardon dee, Captain; dou shalt
not be pardon'd. Pre'dee shweet heart do not pardon him.
   Cut. 'Slight, I'll pardon him, an' I list, whosoever says
nay to't.
   Quar. VVhere's Numps? I miss him.
[Here they continue their Game of Vapours, which
   is Nonsense. Every Man to oppose the last Man
   that spoke, whether it concern'd him, or no.

   VVas. VVhy, I say nay to't.
   Quar. O, there he is.
   Kno. To what do you say nay, Sir?
   VVas. To any rhing,thing whatsoever it is, so long as I do
not like it.
   VVhi. Pardon me, little Man, dou musht like it a little.
   Cut. No, he must not like it at all, Sir; there you are
i' the wrong.
   VVhi. I tink I be; he musht not like it, indeed.
Cut. Nay,          

            Bartholmew Fair. 417

   Cut. Nay, then he both must, and will like it, Sir,
for all you.
   Kno. If he have reason, he may like it, Sir.
   Whi. By no meansh Captain, upon reason, he may
like nothing upon reason.
   VVas. I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason,
nor I will look for no reason, and he is an Ass, that ei-
ther knows any, or looks for't from me.
   Cut.Yes, in some sense you may have reason, Sir.
   VVas. I, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.
   VVhi. Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing,
in no shensh, if dou do love dy shelf, angry Man.
   VVas. Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I
have no sense.
   Cut. 'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.
   VVas. 'Slid, but I have sense, now I think on't better,
and I will grant him any thing, do you see?
   Kno. He is i' the right, and do's utter a sufficient Va-
   Cut. Nay, it is no sufficient Vapour, neither, I deny
   Kno. Then it is a sweet Vapour.
   Cut. It may be a sweet Vapour.
   Was. Nay, it is no sweet Vapour neither, Sir, it stinks,
and I'll stand to't.
   Whi. Yes, I tink it dosh shtink, Captain. All Vapour
dosh shtink.
   Was. Nay, then it do's not stink, Sir, and it shall not
   Cut. By your leave, it may, Sir.
   Was. I, by my leave it may stink, I know that.
   Whi. Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot
by thy leave, angry Man.
   Was. How can it not?
   Kno. Nay, never question him, for he is i' the right.
   Whi. Yesh, I am i' de right, I confesh it, so ish de
little Man too.
   Was. I'll have nothing confest, that concerns me. I
am not i' the right, nor never was i' the right, nor ne-
ver will be i' the right, while I am in my right
   Cut. Mind, why here's no Man minds you, Sir, nor
[They drink again.
any thing else.
   Pup. Vriend, will you mind this that we do;semi-colon should be replaced with a question mark
   Qua. Call you this Vapours? this is such belching of
quarrel, as I never heard. Will you mind your busi-
ness, Sir?
   Edg. You shall see, Sir.
   Nor. I'll ne maire, my waimb warkes too mickle with
this auready.
   Edg. Will you take that, Master Waspe, that no body
should mind you?
   Was. Why? what ha' you to do? is't any matter to
   Edg. No, but methinks you should not be unminded,
   Was. Nor, I wu' not be, now I think on't, do
you hear, new acquaintance? do's no Man mind me,
say you?
   Cut. Yes, Sir, every Man here minds you, but how?
   Was. Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not
my question.
   Whi. No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned
Man, and I am a valiant Man, i'faith la, tou shalt speak
for me, and I vill fight for tee.
   Kno. Fight for him, Whit? A gross Vapour, he can
fight for himself.
   Was. It may be I can, but it may be, I wu' not,
how then?
   Cut. Why, then you may chuse.
   Wasp. Why, and I'll chuse whether I'll chuse or
   Kno. I think you may, and 'tis true; and I allow it
for a resolute Vapour.

[column break]

   VVas. Nay then, I do think you do not think, and it
is no resolute Vapour,comma should be replaced with a period
   Cut. Yes, in some sort he may allow you.
   Kno. In no sort, Sir, pardon me, I can allow him no-
thing. You mistake the Vapour.
   Was. He mistakes nothing, Sir, in no sort.
   Whi. Yes, I pre dee now, let him mistake.
   Was. A turd i' your Teeth, never pre dee me, for I
will have nothing mistaken.
   Kno. Turd, ha turd? a noisome Vapour, strike Whit.
[They fall by the Ears.

   Ove. Why, Gentlemen, why Gentlemen, I charge
you upon my Authority, conserve the Peace. In the
King's name, and my Husbands, put up your Weapons,
I shall be driven to commit you my self, else.
   Qua. Ha, ha, ha.
   Was. Why do you laugh, Sir?
   Qua. Sir, you'll allow me my Christian liberty. I
may laugh, I hope.
   Cut. In some sort you may, and in some sort you may
not, Sir.
   Kno. Nay in some sort, Sir, he may neither laugh, nor
hope in this company.
   Was. Yes, then he may both laugh, and hope in any
sort, an't please him.
   Qua. Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me ex-
   Was. No exceeding neither, Sir.
   Kno. No, that Vapour is too lofty.
   Qua. Gentlemen, I do not play well at your Game
of Vapours, I am not very good at it, but —
   Cut. Do you hear, Sir? I would speak with you in
[He draws a Circle on the Ground.

   Qua. In Circle, Sir? what would you with me in
   Cut. Can you lend me a Piece, a Jacobus? in Circle?
   Qua. 'Slid, your Circle will prove more costly than
your Vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.
   Cut. Your Beard's not well turn'd up, Sir.
   Qua. How Raskal? are you playing with my Beard?
[They draw all, and fight.
I'll break Circle with you.
   Pup. Nor. Gentlemen, Gentlemen!
   Kno. Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit, good Va-
   Ove. What mean you? are you Rebels? Gentlemen?
shall I send out a Serjeant at Arms, or a Writ o' Rebel-
lion, against you? I'll commit you upon my Woman-
hood, for a Riot, upon my Justice-hood, if you per-
   Was. Upon your Justice-hood? Marry shite o'your
Hood, you'll commit? Spoke like a true Justice of
Peace's Wife, indeed, and a fine female Lawyer! turd
i' your Teeth for a fee, now.
   Over. Why, Numps, in Master Overdoo's name, I
charge you.
   Was. Good Mistris Underdoo hold your Tongue.
   Over. Alas! poor Numps.
   Was. Alas! and why alas from you, I beseech you?
or why poor Numps, goody Rich? am I come to be pit-
tied by your tuft Taffata now? why Mistris, I knew
Adam the Clerk, your Husband, when he was Adam
Scrivener, and writ for two Pence a Sheet, as high as
he bears his Head now, or you your Hood, Dame. What
[The Watch comes in.
are you, Sir?
   Bri. We be Men, and no Infidels; what is the mat-
ter, here, and the noises? can you tell?
   VVas. Heart, what ha' you to do? cannot a Man
quarrel in quietness? but he must be put out on't by
you? what are you?
   Bri. Why, we be his Majesties Watch, Sir.
   VVas. Watch? 'Sblood, you are a sweet Watch, in-
deed. A body would think, and you watch'd well a
nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a
H h h                          day.    

418 Bartholmew Fair.                

day. Get you to your Fleas and your Flock-beds, you
Rogues, your Kennels, and lie down close.
   Bri. Down? yes, we will down, I warrant you, down
with him in his Majesties name, down, down with him,
and carry him away to the Pidgeon-holes.
   Ove. I thank you honest Friends, in the behalf o' the
Crown, and the Peace, and in Master Overdoo's name,
for suppressing enormities.
   Whi. Stay, Bristle, here ish a noder brash o'Drunkards,
but very quiet, special Drunkards, will pay de five Shil-
lings very well. Take 'em to de, in de graish o' God:
one of hem do's change Cloth for Ale in the Fair, here;
te toder ish a strong Man, a mighty Man, my Lord May-
or's Man, and a wrastler. He has wrashled so long with
the Bottle, here, that the Man with the Beard, hash al-
mosht streek up hish heelsh.
   Bri. 'Slid, the Clerk o' the Market, has been to cry
him all the Fair over here, for my Lord's service.
   Whi. Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make ty
best on him. How now Woman o' Shilk, vat ailsh ty
shweet faish? art tou melancholy?
   Ove. A little distemper'd with these enormities; shall
I intreat a courtesie of you, Captain?
   Whi. Intreat a hundred Velvet Voman, I vill do it,
shpeak out.
   Ove. I cannot with modesty speak it out, but —
   Whi. I vill do it, and more, and more, for de. What
Ursla, an't be Bitch, an't be Baud an't be!
   Urs. How now Raskal? what roar you for? old
   Whi. Here, put up de Clokes Ursh; de purchase, pre
de now, shweet Ursh, help dis good brave Voman to a
Jordan, and't be.
   Urs. 'Slid call your Captain Jordan to her, can you
   Whi. Nay, pre de leave dy consheits, and bring the
Velvet Woman to de ——
   Urs. I bring her, hang her: heart must I find a common
Pot for every Punk i' your Purlews?
   Whi. O good voordsh, Ursh, it ish a guest o' Velvet,
i' fait la.
   Urs. Let her sell her Hood, and buy a spunge, with a
Pox to her, my Vessel is employed Sir. I have but one,
and 'tis the bottom of an old Bottle. An honest Pro-
ctor and his Wife are at it within, if she'll stay her
time, so.
   VVhi. As soon ash tou cansht shweet Ursh. Of a vali-
ant Man I tink I am the patientsh Man i' the World, or
in all Smithfield.
   Kno. How now Whit? close Vapours, stealing your
leaps? covering in corners, ha?
   VVhi. No fait, Captain, dough tou beesht a vishe Man,
dy vit is a mile hence, now. I vas procuring a shmall
courtesie for a Woman of fashion here.
   Ove. Yes, Captain, though I am Justice of Peace's
Wife, I do love Men of War, and the Sons of the Sword,
when they come before my Husband.
   Kno. Say'st thou so Filly? thou shalt have a leap pre-
sently, I'll horse thee my self, else.
   Urs. Come, will you bring her in now? and let her
talktake her turn?
   Whi. Gramercy good Ursh, I tank de.
   Over. Master Overdoo shall thank her.

Act IV.    Scene V.

John, Win, Ursla, Knockhum, Whit, Overdoo, Alice.

Ood Ga'mere Urs, Win and I are exceedingly be-
 holden to you, and to Captain Jordan, and Cap-
tain Whit. Win, I'll be bold to leave you, i' this good
Company, VVin; for half an hour, or so VVin, while I
go, and see how my matter goes forward, and if the

[column break]

Puppets be perfect; and then I'll come and fetch
you, VVin.
   VVin. Will you leave me alone with two Men, John?
   Joh. I, they are honest Gentlemen VVin, Captain Jor-
and Captain VVhit, they'll use you very civilly, VVin.
God b' w' you VVin.
   Urs. What's her Husband gone?
   Kno. On his false gallop, Urs, away.
   Urs. An' you be right Bartholmew-birds, now shew
your selves so: we are undone for want of Fowl i' the
Fair, here. Here will be Zekiel Edgworth, and three or
four Gallants with him at night, and I ha' neither Plo-
ver nor Quail for 'em: perswade this between you two,
to become a Bird o' the Game, while I work the Velvet
Woman within, (as you call her.)
   Kno. I conceive thee, Urs! go thy ways, dost thou
hear, Whit? is't not pitty, my delicate dark chestnut
here, with the fine lean Head, large Fore-head, round
Eyes, even Mouth, sharp Ears, long Neck, thin Crest,
close Withers, plain Back, deep Sides, short Fillets, and
full Flanks: with a round Belly, a plump Buttock, large
Thighs, knit Knees, strait Legs, short Pasterns, smooth
Hoofs, and short Heels, should lead a dull honest Wo-
mans life, that might live the life of a Lady?
   Whi. Yes, by my fait and trot, it is, Captain: de ho-
nesht Womans life is a scurvy dull life, indeed, la.
   Win. How, Sir? is an honest Womans life a scurvy
   Whi. Yes fait, shweet heart, believe him, de leef of a
Bond-woman! but if dou vilt harken to me, I vill make
tee a Free-woman, and a Lady: dou shalt live like a La-
dy, as te Captain saish.
   Kno. I, and be honest too sometimes: have her Wi-
ers, and her Tires, her green Gowns, and Velvet Pet-
   Whi. I, and ride to Ware and Rumford i' dy Coash, shee
de Players, be in love vit 'em; sup vit gallantsh, be
drunk, and cost de noting.
   Kno. Brave Vapours!
   Whi. And lie by twenty on 'em, if dou pleash shweet
   Win. What, and be honest still, that were fine sport.
   Whi. Tish common, shweet heart, tou mai'st do it
by my Hand: it shall be justified to ty Husbands Faish,
now: tou shalt be as honesht as the Skin between his
Hornsh, la!
   Kno. Yes, and wear a Dressing, top, and top-gallant,
to compare with ere a Husband on 'em all, for a Fore-
top: it is the Vapour of Spirit in the Wife to Cuckold
now adays; as it is the Vapour of fashion in the Hus-
band, not to suspect. Your prying Cat-eyed-Citizen is
an abominable Vapour.
   Win. Lord, what a Fool have I been!
   Whi. Mend then, and do every ting like a Lady, here-
after, never know thy Husband from another Man.
   Kno. Nor any one Man from another, but i' the dark.
   Whi. I, and then it ish no dishgrash to know any Man.
   Urs. Help, help here.
   Kno. How now? what Vapour's there?
   Urs. O, you are a sweet Ranger! and look well to your
Walks. Yonder is your Punk of Turnbull, ramping Alice,
has faln upon the poor Gentlewoman within, and pull'd
her Hood over her Ears, and her Hair through it.
[Alice enters, beating the Justice's Wife.

   Ove. Help, help, i' the King's Name.
   Ali. A mischief on you, they are such as you are, that
undo us, and take our Trade from us, with your Tuft-
taffata Hanches.
   Kno. How now Alice!
   Ali. The poor common Whores can ha' no Traffick,
for the privy rich ones; your Caps and Hoods of Vel-
vet, call away our Customers, and lick the Fat from us.
   Urs. Peace you foul ramping Jade, you ——
   Ali. Od's foot, you Bawd in greace, are you talking?
Kno. Why,     

            Bartholmew Fair. 419

   Kno. Why, Alice, I say.
   Ali. Thou Sow of Smithfield, thou.
   Urs. Thou Tripe of Turnbull.
   Kno. Cat-a-mountain Vapours! ha!
   Urs. You know where you were taw'd lately, both
lash'd, and flash'd you were in Bridewell.
   Ali. I, by the same token you rid that week, and
broak out the bottom o' the Cart, Night-tub.
   Kno. Why, Lyon face! ha! do you know who I am?
shall I tear Ruff, slit Wastcoat, make Rags of Petticoat?
ha! go to, vanish for fear of Vapours. Whit, a kick,
Whit, in the parting Vapour. Come brave Woman,
take a good Heart, thou shalt be a Lady too.
   Whi. Yes fait, dey shall all both be Ladies, and write
Madam. I vill do't my self for dem. Do, is the vord,
and D is the middle Letter of Maddam, D D, put 'em
together, and make Deeds, without which all words are
alike, la.
   Kno. 'Tis true, Ursla, take 'em in, open thy Wardrope,Wardrobe
and fit 'em to their calling. Green Gowns, Crimson-
Petticoats, Green-Women! my Lord Mayors Green Wo-
men! Guests o' the Game, true bred. I'll provide you
a Coach, to take the Air, in.
   Win. But do you think you can get one?
   Kno. O, they are as common as Wheelbarrows,
where there are great Dunghils. Every Pettifoggers
Wife, has 'em, for first he buys a Coach, that he may
marry, and then he marries that he may be made Cuc-
kold in't: For if their Wives ride not to their Cuckold-
ing, they do 'em no credit. Hide, and be hidden; ride,
and be ridden, says the Vapour of experience.

Act IV.    Scene VI.

Trouble-all, Knockhum, Whit, Quarlous, Edgworth, Bristle,
Waspe, Haggise, Justice, Busy, Pure-craft.

Y what Warrant do's it say so?
   Kno. Ha! mad Child o' the Pye-pouldres, art thou
there? fill us a fresh Kan, Urs, we may drink together.
   Tro. I may not drink without a Warrant, Captain.
   Kno. 'Slood, thou'll not stale without a Warrant,
shortly. Whit, Give me Pen, Ink and Paper. I'll draw
him a Warrant presently.
   Tro. It must be Justice Overdoo's?
   Kno. I know, Man, Fetch the Drink, Whit.
   Whi. I pre dee now, be very brief, Captain; for de
new Ladies stay for dee.
   Kno. O, as brief as can be, here 'tis already. Adam

   Tro. Why, now, I'll pledge you, Captain.
   Kno. Drink it off. I'll come to thee, anon, again.
   Qua. Well, Sir. You are now discharg'd: beware of
[Quarlous to the Cut-purse.
being spi'd hereafter.
   Edg. Sir, will it please you, enter in here, at Ursla's;
and take part of a Silken Gown, a Velvet Petticoat, or a
wrought Smock; I am promis'd such: and I can spare
any Gentleman a moiety.
   Qua. Keep it for your Companions in beastliness, I
am none of 'em, Sir. If I had not already forgiven you
a greater trespass, or thought you yet worth my beating,
I would instruct your manners, to whom you made your
offers. But go your ways, talk not to me, the Hangman
is only fit to discourse with you; the hand of Beadle is
too merciful a punishment for your Trade of life. I
am sorry I employ'd this Fellow; for he thinks me such:
Fascinus quos inquinat, æquat. But, it was for sport. And
would I make it serious, the getting of this License is
nothing to me, without other circumstances concur.
I do think how impertinently I labour, if the word be
not mine, that the ragged Fellow mark'd: And what
advantage I have given Ned Win-wife in this time now,
of working her, though it be mine. He'll go near to
form to her what a debauch'd Raskal I am, and fright

[column break]

her out of all good conceit of me: I should do so by
him, I am sure, if I had the opportunity. But my hope
is in her temper, yet; and it must needs be next to de-
spair, that is grounded on any part of a Womans dis-
cretion. I would give by my troth, now, all I could spare
(to my Cloathes, and my Sword) to meet my tatter'd
Sooth-sayer again, who was my judge i' the question, to
know certainly whose word he has damn'd or sav'd.
For, till then, I live but under a Reprieve. I must seek
Enter Wasp with the Officers.
him. Who be these?
   Was. Sir, you are a welsh Cuckold, and a prating
Runt, and no Constable.
   Bri. You say very well. Come put in his Leg in the
middle Roundel, and let him hole there.
   Was. You stink of Leeks, Metheglyn, and Cheese.
You Rogue.
   Bri. Why, what is that to you, if you sit sweetly in
the Stocks in the mean time? if you have a mind to
stink too, your Breeches sit close enough to your bum.
Sit you merry, Sir.
   Qua. How now, Numps?
   Was. It is no matter, how; pray you look off.
   Qua. Nay, I'll not offend you, Numps. I thought you
had sat there to be seen.
   Was. And to be sold, did you not? pray you mind
your business, an' you have any.
   Qua. Cry you mercy, Numps. Do's your Leg lie high
   Bri. How now, Neighbour Haggise, what says Justice
's Worship to the other offenders?
   Hag. Why, he says just nothing, what should he say?
Or where should he say? He is not to be found, Man.
He ha' not been seen i' the Fair, here, all this live-long
day, never since seven a Clock i' the Morning. His
Clerks know not what to think on't. There is no Court
of Pie-poulders yet. Here they be return'd.
   Bri. What shall be done with 'em, then? in your dis-
   Hag. I think we were best put 'em in the Stocks in
discretion (there they will be safe in discretion) for
the valour of an hour, or such a thing, till his Worship
   Bri. It is but a hole matter if we do, Neighbour Hag-
come, Sir, here is company for you, heave up the
[As they open the Stocks, Wasp puts his Shooe
   on his Hand, and slips it in for his Leg.

   Was. I shall put a trick upon your welsh diligence,
   Bri. Put in your Leg, Sir.
   Qua. What, Rabby Busy! is he come?
[They bring Busy, and put him in.

   Bus. I do obey thee, the Lyon may roar, but he
cannot bite. I am glad to be thus separated from the
Heathen of the Land, and put a part in the Stocks for
the Holy Cause.
   Was. What are you, Sir?
   Bus. One that rejoyceth in his Affliction, and sit-
teth here to prophesie the Destruction of Fairs and
May-games, Wakes and Whitson-ales, and doth sigh and
groan for the reformation of these abuses.
   Was. And do you sigh and groan too, or rejoyce in
your affliction?
   Jus. I do not feel it, I do not think of it, it is a thing
without me: Adam, thou art above these battries, these
contumelies. In te manca ruit fortuna, as thy Friend Ho-
says; thou art one, Quem neque pauperies, neque mors,
neque vincula terrent.
And therefore as another Friend
of thine says, (I think it be thy Friend Persius) Non te
qusiveris extra.

   Qua. What's here! a Stoick i' the Stocks? the Fool is
turn'd Philosopher.
   Bus. Friend, I will leave to communicate my Spirit with
you, if I hear any more of those superstitious Relicks, those
Lists of Latin, the very Rags of Rome, and Patches of Popery.
H h h 2                                          Was. Nay, 

420 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Was. Nay, an' you begin to quarrel, Gentlemen, I'll
leave you. I ha' paid for quarrelling too lately: look
you, a device, but shifting in a Hand for a Foot. God
[He gets out.
b' w' you.
   Bus. Wilt thou then leave thy Brethren in tribula-
   Was. For this once, Sir.
   Bus. Thou art a halting Neutral; stay him there, stop
him, that will not endure the heat of Persecution.
   Bri. How now, what's the matter?
   Bus. He is fled, he is fled, and dares not sit it out.
   Bri. What, has he made an escape, which way? fol-
low, Neighbour Haggise.
   Pur. O me! in the Stocks! have the wicked pre-
   Bus. Peace religious Sister, it is my Calling, comfort
your self, an extraordinary Calling, and done for my
better standing, my surer standing, hereafter.
   Tro. By whose Warrant, by whose Warrant, this?
[The Mad-man enters.

   Qua. O, here's my Man, dropt in, I look'd for.
   Jus. Ha!
   Pur. O good Sir, they have set the faithful here to
be wonder'd at; and provided holes for the holy of the
   Tro. Had they Warrant for it? shew'd they Justice
Hand? if they had no Warrant, they shall an-
swer it.
   Bri. Sure you did not lock the Stocks sufficiently,
Neighbour Toby!
   Hag. No! see if you can lock 'em better.
   Bri. They are very sufficiently lock'd, and truly, yet
some thing is in the matter.
   Tro. True, your Warrant is the matter that is in que-
stion, by what Warrant?
   Bri. Mad Man, hold your Peace, I will put you in his
room else, in the very same hole, do you see?
   Qua. How! is he a Mad-man!
   Tro. Shew me Justice Overdoo's Warrant, I obey you.
   Hag. You are a mad Fool, hold your Tongue.
   Tro. In Justice Overdoo's name, I drink to you, and
[Shews his Can.
here's my Warrant.
   Jus. Alas poor Wretch! how it earns my Heart for
   Qua. If he be mad, it is in vain to question him. I'll
try though. Friend, there was a Gentlewoman, shew'd
you two names, some hour since, Argalus and Palemon,
to mark in a Book, which of 'em was it you mark'd?
   Tro. I mark no name, but Adam Overdoo, that is the
name of names, he only is the sufficient Magistrate; and
that name I reverence, shew it me.
   Qua. This Fellow's mad indeed: I am further off
now, than afore.
   Jus. I shall not breath in peace, till I have made him
some amends.
   Qua. Well, I will make another use of him, is come
in my head: I have a Nest of Beards in my Trunk; one
something like his.
   Bri. This mad fool has made me that I know not
whether I have lock'd the Stocks or no, I think I lock'd
[The Watch-men come back again. The mad-man
   fights with 'em, and they leave open the Stocks.

   Tro. Take Adam Overdoo in your mind, and fear no-
   Bri. 'Slid, madness it self, hold thy peace, and take
   Tro. Strikest thou without a Warrant? take thou
   Bus. We are delivered by miracle; Fellow in Fet-
ters, let us not refuse the means, this madness was of
the Spirit: The malice of the Enemy hath mock'd it
   Pur. Mad do they call him! the World is mad in
error, but he is mad in truth: I love him o' the sudden,

[column break]

(the cunning Man said all true) and shall love him
more and more. How well it becomes a Man to be mad
in truth! O, that I might be his yoke-fellow, and be
mad with him, what a many should we draw to mad-
ness in truth, with us!
   Bri. How now! all scap'd? where's the Woman? it
is Witchcraft! Her Velvet Hat is a Witch, o' my Con-
science, or my Key! t' one. The Mad-man was a De-
vil, and I am an Ass; so bless me, my Place, and mine
[The Watch missing them are affrighted.

Act V.    Scene I.

Lanthorn, Filcher, Sharkwel.

Ell, Luck and Saint Bartholmew; out with the
 sign of our Invention, in the name of Wit, and
do you beat the Drum the while; all the Fowl i' the
Fair, I mean all the Dirt in Smithfield, (that's one of Ma-
ster Little-wit's Carwhitchets now) will be thrown at our
Banner to day, if the matter do's not please the Peo-
ple. O the Motions, that I Lanthorn Leatherhead have

Pod was a
Master of Mo-
tions before
given light to, i' my time, since my Ma-
ster Pod died! Jerusalem was a stately
thing; and so was Ninive, and the City
of Norwich, and Sodom and Gomorrah;
with the rising o' the Prentises, and pul-
ling down the Bawdy Houses there upon Shrove-Tues-
but the Gunpowder-plot, there was a get-penny! I
have presented that to an eighteen or twenty Pence
Audience, nine times in an Afternoon. Your home-
born Projects prove ever the best, they are so easie and
familiar; they put too much Learning i' their things
now o'days: and that I fear will be the spoil o' this.
Little-wit? I say, Mickle-wit! if not too mickle! look
to your gathering there, Goodman Filcher.
   Fil. I warrant you, Sir.
   Lan. And there come any Gentlefolks, take two
Pence apiece, Sharkwell.
   Sha. I warrant you, Sir, three Pence, an' we can.

Act V.    Scene II.

Justice, Win-wife, Grace, Quarlous, Pure-craft.

The Justice comes in like a Porter.

His later disguise, I have borrow'd of a Porter, shall
 carry me out to all my great and good ends;
which how ever interrupted, were never destroyed in
me: neither is the hour of my severity yet come, to re-
veal my self, wherein, Cloud-like,|'|' should be omitted I will break out in
Rain, and Hail, Lightning, and Thunder, upon the head
of Enormity. Two main works I have to prosecute:
first, one is to invent some satisfaction for the poor kind
Wretch, who is out of his wits for my sake, and yonder I
see him coming, I will walk aside, and project for it.
   Win.Win-w. I wonder where Tom Quarlous is, that he returns
not, it may be he is struck in here to seek us.
   Gra. See, here's our Mad-man again.
   Qua. I have made my self as like him, as his Gown
and Cap will give me leave.
[Quarlous in the habit of the mad-man is
   mistaken by Mrs.

   Pur. Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad
with you in truth.
   Win-w. How! my Widow in love with a Mad-man?
   Pur. Verily, I can be as mad in Spirit as you.
   Qua. By whose Warrant? leave your canting. Gen-
tlewoman, have I found you? (save ye, quit ye, and
multiply ye) where's your Book? 'twas a sufficient name
I mark'd, let me see't, be not afraid to shew't me.
[He desires to see the Book of Mistris Grace.

Gra. What

            Bartholmew Fair. 421

   Gra. What would you with it, Sir?
   Qua. Mark it again and again at your Service.
   Gra. Here it is, Sir, this was it you mark'd.
   Qua. Palemon? fare you well, fare you well.
   Win-w. How, Palemon!
   Gra. Yes faith, he has discover'd it to you now, and
therefore 'twere vain to disguise it longer, I am yours,
Sir, by the benefit of your Fortune.
   Win-w. And you have him Mistris, believe it, that
shall never give you cause to repent her benefit, but
make you rather to think, that in this choice she had both
her Eyes.
   Gra. I desire to put it to no danger of protesta-
   Qua. Palemon the word, and Win-wife the Man?
   Pur. Good Sir, vouchsafe a Yokefellow in your mad-
ness, shun not one of the sanctified Sisters, that would
draw with you in truth.
   Qua. Away, you are a Herd of hypocritical proud
Ignorants, rather wild than mad; Fitter for Woods,
and the Society of Beasts, than Houses, and the Con-
gregation of Men. You are the Second part of the
Society of Canters, Out-Laws to Order and Discipline,
and the only priviledg'd Church-Robbers of Christen-
Let me alone, Palemon the Word, and Win-wife
the Man?
   Pur. I must uncover my self unto him, or I shall ne-
ver enjoy him, for all the Cunning Mens Promises.
Good Sir, hear me, I am worth Six Thousand Pound,
my Love to you is become my Rack, I'll tell you all
and the truth, since you hate the Hypocrisie of the par-
ty-coloured Brother-hood. These seven years I have
been a wilful holy Widow, only to draw Feasts and
Gifts from my intangled Suitors: I am also by Office
an assisting Sister of the Deacons, and a Devourer, in-
stead of a Distributer of the Alms. I am a special
Maker of Marriages for our decayed Brethren, with our
Rich Widows, for a third part of their Wealth, when
they are married, for the Relief of the poor Elect: as
also our poor handsome young Virgins, with our
wealthy Batchelors, or Widowers; to make them steal
from their Husbands, when I have confirmed them in
the Faith, and got all put into their Custodies. And if
I ha' not my Bargain, they may sooner turn a scolding
Drab into a silent Minister, than make me leave pro-
nouncing Reprobation and Damnation unto them. Our
Elder, Zeal-of-the-land, would have had me, but I know
him to be the Capital Knave of the Land, making him-
self rich, by being made Feoffee in trust to deceased Bre-
and coz'ning their Heirs, by swearing the abso-
lute Gift of their Inheritance. And thus having eas'd
my Conscience, and utter'd my Heart with the Tongue
of my Love: Enjoy all my Deceits together, I beseech
you. I should not have revealed this to you, but that in
time I think you are mad, and I hope you'll think me so
too, Sir?

He considers
with himself      
of it.
   Quar. Stand aside, I'll answer you pre-
sently. Why should not I marry this Six
Thousand Pound, now I think on't? and
a good Trade too that she has beside, ha?
The t'other Wench Win-wife is sure of; there's no Ex-
pectation for me there! here I may make my self some
saver, yet, if she continue mad, there's the Question.
It is Money that I want, why should I not marry the
Money when 'tis offer'd me? I have a Licence and all, it
is but razing out one Name, and putting in another.
There's no playing with a Man's Fortune! I am resolv'd!
I were truly mad an' I would not! Well, come your
ways, follow me, an' you will be mad, I'll shew you a
[He takes her along with him.
   Pur. Most zealously, it is that I zealously desire.
[The Justice calls him.
   Jus. Sir, let me speak with you.
   Quar. By whose Warrant?
   Jus. The Warrant that you tender, and respect so;

[column break]

Justice Overdoo's! I am the Man, Friend Trouble-all,
tho thus disguis'd (as the careful Magistrate ought) for
the good of the Republick in the Fair, and the weeding
out of Enormity. Do you want a House, or Meat, or
Drink, or Clothes? Speak whatsoever it is, it shall be
supplied you, what want you?
   Qua. Nothing but your Warrant.
   Jus. My Warrant? for what?
   Qua. To be gone, Sir.
   Jus. Nay, I pray thee stay, I am serious, and have not
many words, nor much time to exchange with thee
think what may do thee good.                                ;
   Qua. Your Hand and Seal will do me a great deal
of good; Nothing else in the whole Fair, that I
   Jus. If it were to any end, thou should'st have it
   Qua. Why, it will satisife me, that's end enough, to
look on; an' you will not gi' it me, let me go.
   Jus. Alas! thou shalt ha' it presently. I'll but step
into the Scriveners here by, and bring it. Do not go
[The Justice goes out,
   Quar. Why, this Mad Man's shape will prove a very
fortunate one, I think! Can a Ragged Robe produce
these Effects? if this be the wise Justice, and he bring me
his hand, I shall go near to make some use on't. He is
[And returns.
come already!
   Jus. Look thee! here is my Hand and Seal, Adam
if there be any thing to be written above in
this Paper that thou want'st now, or at any time here-
after, think on't, it is my deed, I deliver it so; can your
Friend write?
   Qua. Her hand for a Witness, and all is well.
[He urgeth Mistris Purecraft.
   Jus. With all my heart.
   Qua. Why should not I ha' the Conscience to make
this a Bond of a Thousand Pound now, or what I would
   Jus. Look you, there it is; and I deliver it as my Deed
   Qua. Let us now proceed in madness.
[He takes her in with him.

   Jus. Well, my Conscience is much eas'd; I ha' done
my part, though it doth him no good, yet Adam hath
offer'd Satisfaction! The Sting is removed from hence!
Poor man, he is much alter'd with his Affliction, it has
brought him low! Now for my other work, reducing
the Young Man (I have follow'd so long in Love) from
the brink of his Bane, to the Center of Safety. Here,
or in some such like vain place, I shall be sure to find him.
I will wait the good time.

Act V.    Scene III.

Cokes, Sharkwel, Justice, Filcher, John, Lanterne.

Ow now? what's here to do? Friend, art thou the
 Master of the Monuments?
   Sha. 'Tis a Motion, an't please your Worship.
   Jus. My phantastical Brother in Law, Master Barthol-
mew Cokes!

  He reads
the Bill.

   Cok. A Motion, what's that? The Ancient
Modern History of Hero and Leander, other-
wise called The Touchstone of true Love, with
as true a Trial of Friendship between Damon
and Pythias, two faithful Friends o' the Bank-side? Pretty
i' faith, what's the meaning on't? is't an Enterlude? or
what is't?
   Fil. Yes, Sir, please you come near, we'll take your
Money within.
   Cok. Back with these Children; they do so follow me
[The Boys o' the Fair follow him.
up and down.
   Joh. By your leave, friend.
   Fil. You must pay, Sir, an' you go in.


422 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Joh. Who, I? I perceive thou know'st not me: call
the Master o' the Motion.
   Sha. What, do you not know the Author, fellow Fil-
You must take no money of him; he must come
in Gratis: Master Little-wit is a Voluntary; he is the
   Joh. Peace, speak not too loud, I would not have a-
ny notice taken, that I am the Author, till we see how it
   Cok. Master Little-wit, how dost thou?
   Joh. Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met:
What, in your Doublet and Hose, without a Cloak or
a Hat?
   Cok. I would I might never stir, as I am an honest
man, and by that fire; I have lost all i'the Fair, and all
my Acquaintance too; didst thou meet any body that
I know, Master Little-wit? my Man Numps, or my Si-
ster Over-doo, or Mistris Grace? Pray thee Master
Little-wit lend me some Money to see the Interlude
here. I'll pay thee again, as I am a Gentleman.
If thou'lt but carry me home, I have money enough
   Joh. O, Sir, you shall command it, what, will a Crown
serve you?
   Cok. I think it will, what do we pay for coming in,
   Fil. Two Pence, Sir.
   Cok. Two Pence? There's Twelve Pence, friend;
Nay, I am a Gallant, as simple as I look now; if you
see me with my Man about me, and my Artillery
   Joh. Your Man was i' the Stocks e'en now, Sir.
   Cok. Who, Numps?
   Joh. Yes faith.
   Cok. For what i' faith, I am glad o' that; remember
to tell me on't anon; I have enough now! What man-
ner of matter is this, Mr. Little-wit? What kind of A-
ha' you? Are they good Actors?
   Joh. Pretty Youths, Sir, all Children both Old and
Young, here's the Master of 'em ——
   (Lan. Call me not Leatherhead, but Lantern.end bracket ')' omitted
[Leatherhead whispers to Littlewit.

   Joh. Master Lantern, that gives light to the bu-
   Cok. In good time, Sir, I would fain see 'em, I would
be glad 'to' omitted drink with the Young Company; which is the
   Lan. Troth, Sir, our Tiring-house is somewhat little,
we are but beginners yet, pray pardon us; you cannot
go upright in't.
   Cok. No? not now my Hat is off? what would you
have done with me, if you had had me, Feather and all,
as I was once to day? Ha' you none of your pretty
Impudent Boys now, to bring Stools, fill Tabacco,
fetch Ale, and beg money, as they have at other Houses?
let me see some o' your Actors.
   Joh. Shew him 'em, shew him 'em. Master Lan-
this is a Gentleman that is a Favourer of the
   Jus. I, the favouring of this Licentious Quality is the
Consumption of many a Young Gentleman; a perni-
cious Enormity.
   Cok. What, do they live in Baskets?
[He brings them out in a Basket.

   Lea. They do lie in a Basket, Sir, they are o' the small
   Cok. These be Players minors indeed. Do you call
these Players?
   Lan. They are Actors, Sir, and as good as any, none
disprais'd, for dumb Shows: Indeed I am the mouth of
'em all.
   Cok. Thy mouth will hold 'em all. I think one Taylor
would go near to beat all this Company, with a Hand
bound behind him.

[column break]

   Joh. I, and eat 'em all too, an' they were in Cake-
   Cok. I thank you for that, Master Little-wit, a good
Jest! which is your Burbage now?
   Lan. What mean you by that, Sir?
   Cok. Your best Actor. Your Field?
   Joh. Good i' faith! you are even with me, Sir.
   Lan. This is he, that acts young Leander, Sir. He
is extreamly belov'd of the Womenkind, they do
so affect his Action, the green Gamsters, that come
here, and this is lovely Hero; this with the beard, Da-
and this pretty Pythias: this is the Ghost of King
Dionysius in the Habit of a Scrivener: as you shall see
anon at large.
   Cok. Well, they are a Civil Company, I like 'em for
that; they offer not to fleer, nor geer, nor break Jests,
as the great Players do: And then, there goes not so
much charge to the Feasting of 'em, or making 'em
drunk, as to the other, by reason of their Littleness.
Do they use to play perfect? Are they never flu-
   Lan. No, Sir, I thank my Industry and Policy for
it; they are as well govern'd a Company, though I
say it —— And here is Young Leander, is as pro-
per an Actor, of his Inches; and shakes his Head like
an Hostler.
   Cok. But do you play it according to the Printed
Book? I have read that.
   Lan. By no means, Sir.
   Cok. No? How then?
   Lan. A better way, Sir, that is too Learned and Poe-
tical for our Audience, what, do they know what Helle-
is? Guilty of true Loves Blood? or what Abidos is?
or the other Sestos height?
   Cok. Th' art i' the right, I do not know my self.
   Lan. No, I have entreated Master Little-wit to take
a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain for our
   Cok. How, I pray thee, good Master Little-wit.
   Joh. It pleases him to make a matter of it, Sir.
But there is no such matter, I assure you: I have only
made it a little easie, and Modern for the Times, Sir,
that's all: As for the Hellespont, I imagine our Thames
here; and then Leander I make a Dyer's Son about
Puddle-Wharf; and Hero a Wench o' the Bank-side, who
going over one Morning to Old-Fishstreet, Leander
spies her land at Trigs-Stairs, and falls in Love with
her: Now do I introduce Cupid, having Metamor-
himself into a Drawer, and he strikes Hero in
love with a Pint of Sherry, and other pretty passages
there are o' the friendship, that will delight you, Sir,
and please you of Judgment.
   Cok. I'll be sworn they shall: I am in Love with
the Actors already, and I'll be allied to them pre-
sently. (They respect Gentlemen, these Fellows:)
Hero shall be my Fairing: But which of my Fairings?
(Le' me see) i' faith, my Fiddle! and Leander my
Fiddle-stick: Then Damon my Drum; and Pythias
my Pipe, and the Ghost of Dionysius my Hobby-Horse.
All fitted.

Act V.    Scene IV.

To them Win-wife, Grace, Knockhum, Whitt, Edgworth,
Win, Mistris Over-doo.
And to them Waspe.

Ook yonder's your Cokes gotten in among his Play-
 fellows; I thought we could not miss him at such
a Spectacle.
   Gra. Let him alone, he is so busie he will never
spy us.
   Lea. Nay, good Sir.


            Bartholmew Fair. 423

   Cok. I warrant thee I will not hurt her, Fellow; what
dost think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous: I am
[Cokes is handling the Puppets.
toward a Wife.
   Joh. Well, good Master Lantern, make ready to begin,
that I may fetch my Wife, and look you be perfect, you
undo me else, i' my Reputation.
   Lan. I warrant you, Sir, do not you breed too great
an Expectation of it among your Friends: that's the
only hurter of these things.
   Joh. No, no, no.
   Cok. I'll stay here and see; pray thee let me see.
   Win-w. How diligent and troublesome he is!
   Gra. The place becomes him, me thinks.
   Jus. My ward, Mistris Grace, in the Company of a
stranger? I doubt I shall be compell'd to discover my self
before my time.
   Fil. Two Pence a piece, Gentlemen, an Excellent
[The Door-keepers speak.
   Kno. Shall we have fine Fire-Works, and good Va-
   Sha. Yes, Captain, and Water-works too.
   Whi. I pree dee take a Care o' dy shmall Lady
there, Edgworth: I will look to dish tall Lady my self.
   Lan. Welcome Gentlemen, welcome Gentlemen.
   Whi. Predee Mashter o' de Monshtersh, help a very sick
Lady here to a Chair to shit in.
   Lan. Presently, Sir.
   Whi. Good fait now, Ursla's Ale, and Aquæ-vitæ ish
to blame for't; Shit down, shweet heart, shit down and
[They bring Mistris Overdoo a Chair.
shleep a little.
   Edg. Madam, you are very welcome hither.
   Kno. Yes, and you shall see very good Vapours.
   Jus. Here is my Care come! I like to see him in so
good Company; and yet I wonder that persons of such
[By Edgworth.
Fashion should resort hither!
   Edg. This is a very private house, Madam.
[The Cut-purse courts Mistris Little-wit.

   Lan. Will it please your Ladyship sit, Madam?
   Win. Yes, Goodman. They do so all to be Madam
me, I think they think me a very Lady!
   Edg. What else Madam?
   Win. Must I put off my Mask to him?
   Edg. O, by no means.
   Win. How should my Husband know me then?
   Kno. Husband? an idle Vapour; he must not know
you, nor you him; there's the true Vapour.
   Jus. Yea, I will observe more of this: is this a Lady,
   Whi. I, and dat is anoder Lady, shweet heart; if dou
hasht a mind to 'em, give me Twelve pence from tee,
and dou shalt have eder-oder on 'em.
   Jus. I? This will prove my chiefest Enormity: I will
follow this.
   Edg. Is not this a finer Life, Lady, than to be clogg'd
with a Husband?
   Win. Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow?
in the Name o' the Motion?
   Edg. By and by, Madam; they stay but for Com-
   Kno. Do you hear, Puppet-Master, these are tedious
Vapours; when begin you?
   Lan. We stay but for Master Lettle-wit,Little-wit the Au-
who is gone for his Wife; and we begin pre-
   Win. That's I, that's I.
   Edg. That was you, Lady; but now you are no such
poor thing.
   Kno. Hang the Author's Wife, a running Vapour!
here be Ladies will stay for ne're a Delia o' 'em all.
   Whi. But hear me now, here ish one o' de Ladish a
shleep, stay till shee but vake, man.
   Was. How now, Friends? what's here to do?
   Fil. Two pence a piece, Sir, the best Motion in the
[The Door-keepers again.

[column break]

   Was. I believe you lie; if you do, I'll have my money
again, and beat you.
   Win. Numps is come!
   Was. Did you see a Master of mine come in here, a
tall Young Squire of Harrow o' the Hill, Master Barthol-
mew Cokes?

   Fil. I think there be such a one within.
   Was. Look he be, you were best: but it is very like-
ly: I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I ha'
been at the Eagle, and the Black Wolf, and the Bull
with the Five Legs, and Two Pizzles: (He was a
Calf at Uxbridge Fair Two Years agone:) And at
the Dogs that daunce the Morrice, and the Hair o'
the Taber; and mist him at all these! Sure this must
needs be some fine Sight, that holds him so, if it
have him.
   Cok. Come, come, are you ready now?
   Lan. Presently, Sir.
   Was. Hoyday, he's at work in his Doublet and Hose;
Do you hear, Sir? are you imploy'd, that you are bare
headed, and so busie?
   Cok. Hold your peace, Numps; you ha' been i' the
Stocks, I hear.
   VVas. Do's he know that? Nay, then the Date of my
Authority is out; I must think no longer to reign, my
Government is at an end. He that will correct another
must want fault in himself.
   Win-w. Sententious Numps! I never heard so much
from him before.
   Lan. Sure Master Little-wit will not come; please
you take your place, Sir, we'll begin.
   Cok. I pray thee do, mine Ears long to be at it; and
my Eyes too. O Numps, i' the Stocks, Numps? where's
your Sword, Numps?
   Was. I pray you intend your Game, Sir, let me
   Cok. Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit down,
Numps; I'll interpret to thee: Did you see Mistris
Grace? It's no matter neither, now I think on't, tell
me anon.
   Win-w. A great deal of Love and Care he ex-
   Gra. Alas! would you have him to express more than
he has? that were Tyranny.
   Cok. Peace, ho; now, now.

   Lan. Gentiles, that no longer yonryour Expectations may wander,
Behold our chief Actor, amorous
With a great deal of Cloth, lapp'd about him like a Scarf,
For he yet serves his Father, a
Dyer at Puddle-Wharf,
Which place we'll make bold with, to call it our
As the
Bank-side is our Sestos; and let it not be deny'd us.
Now as he is beating, to make the Dye take the fuller,
Who chances to come by, but Fair
Hero, in a Sculler;
And seeing
Leander's naked Leg, and goodly Calf,
Cast at him from the Boat a Sheeps Eye and an half.
Now she is landed, and the Sculler come back,
By and by you shall see what
Leander doth lack.
   Pup. L. Cole, Cole, Old Cole.
   Lan. That is the Sculler's Name, without controle.
   Pup. L. Cole, Cole, I say, Cole.
   Lan. We do hear you.
   Pup. L. Old Cole.
   Lan. Old Cole? Is the Dyer turn'd Collier? how do you sell?
   Pup.L. A Pox o'your manners, kiss my hole here, and smell.
   Lan. Kiss your hole and smell? there's manners indeed.
   Pup. L. Why, Cole, I say, Cole.
   Lan. It's the Sculler you need.
      Pup. L. I, and be hang'd.
      Lan. Be hang'd; look you yonder.
Old Cole, you must go hang with Master Leander.
   Pup. C. Where is he?
   Pup. L. Here. Cole: What Fairest of Fairs,
Was that Fare that thou landest but now at

424 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Cok. What was that fellow? Pray thee tell me, I scarce
understand 'em.
   Lan. Leander do's ask, Sir, what fairest of Fairs,
Was the Fare he landed but now at
Trigs Stairs?
   Pup. C. It is loverly Hero.
   Pup. L. Nero?
   Pup. C. No, Hero.
   Lan. It is Hero.
Of the
Bank-side, he saith, to tell you truth, without erring,
Is come over into
Fish-Street, to eat some Fresh Herring.
Leander says no more, but as fast as he can,
Gets on all his best Clothes, and will after to the
   Cok. Most admirable good, is't not?
   Lan. Stay, Sculler.
   Pup. C. What say you?
   Lan. You must stay for Leander,
And carry him to the Wench.

   Pup. C. You Rogue, I am no Pandar.
   Cok. He says he is no Pandar. 'Tis a fine Language; I
understand it now.
   Lan. Are you no Pandar, Goodman Cole? Here's no Man
         says you are:
You'll grow a hot Cole, it seems, pray you stay for your Fare.

   Pup. C. Will he come away?
   Lan. What do you say?
   Pup. C. I' deI'd ha' him come away.
   Lea. Would you ha' Leander come away? why 'pray' Sir,
   You are angry, Goodman
Cole; I believe the Fair Maid
Came over w' you a' trust: tell us Sculler, are you paid.

   Pup. C. Yes Goodman Hogrubber, o' Pickt-hatch.
   Lan. How? Hogrubber o' Pickt-hatch?
   Pup. C. I Hogrubber o' Pickt-hatch. Take you that.
[The Puppet strikes him over the Pate.

   Lan. O, my Head!
   Pup. C. Harm watch, harm catch.
   Cok. Harm watch, harm catch, he says: Very
good i' faith, the Sculler had like to ha' knock'd you,
   Lan. Yes, but that his Fare call'd him away.
   Pup. L. Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row,

   Lan. You are knavishly loaden, Sculler, take heed where
         you go.

   Pup. C. Knave i' your Face, Goodman Rogue.
   Pup. L. Row, row, row, row, row, row.
   Cok. He said, Knave i' your Face, Friend.
   Lan. I, Sir, I heard him. But there's no talking to
these Water-men, they will ha' the last word.
   Cok. God's my life! I am not allied to the Sculler
yet; he shall be Dauphin my Boy. But my Fiddle-stick
do's fiddle in and out too much: I pray thee speak to
him on't: Tell him, I would have him tarry in my
sight more.
   Lan. I pray you be content; you'll have enough on
him, Sir.
Now, Gentiles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid,
   But that you have heard of a Little God of Love call'd

VVho out of Kindness to
Leander, hearing he but saw her,
   This present day and hour doth turn himself to a
And because he would have their first Meeting to be merry,
   He strikes
Hero in love to him with a Pint of Sherry.
VVhich he tells her from amorous
Leander is sent her,
   VVho after him, into the Room of
Hero doth venture.
[Pup. Leander goes into Mistris Hero's Room.

   Pup. Jo. A Pint of Sack, score a Pint of Sack i' the
   Cok. Sack? you said but e'en now it should be Sherry.
   Pup. Jo. Why so it is; Sherry, Sherry, Sherry.
   Cok. Sherry, Sherry, Sherry. By my Troth he makes
me merry. I must have a Name for Cupid too. Let
me see, thou might'st help me now, an' thou would-
est, Numps, at a dead lift; but thou art dreaming

[column break]

o' the Stocks still. Do not think on't, I have for-
got it; 'tis but a Nine Days Wonder, Man; let it not
trouble thee.
   Was. I would the Stocks were about your Neck, Sir;
condition I hung by the Heels in them till the Wonder
were off from you, with all my heart.
   Cok. Well said, resolute Numps: But hark you friend,
where is the friendship all this while between my Drum
Damon, and my Pipe Pythias?
   Lan. You shall see by and by, Sir.
   Cok. You think my Hobby-horse is forgotten too; no,
I'll see 'em all enact before I go; I shall not know which
to love best else.
   Kno. This Gallant has interrupting Vapours, trouble-
some Vapours; Whit, puff with him.
   VVhit. No, I pre dee, Captain, let him alone. He is
a Child i' faith, la'.
Lan. Now Gentiles, to the Friends, who in Number are Two,
   and lodg'd in that Ale-house, in which Fair
Hero do's do.
Damon (for some kindness done him the last VVeek)
   Is come, Fair
Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to seek:
Pythias do's smell the Knavery of the Meeting,
   And now you shall see their true friendly greeting.

   Pup. Pi. You VVhore-masterly Slave, you.
   Cok. Whore-masterly Slave, you? very friendly and
familiar, that.
   Pup. Da. VVhore-master i' thy Face,
Thou hast lien with her thy self, I'll prove't i' this place.

   Cok. Damon says Pythias has lien with her himself, he'll
prove't in this place.
   Lan. They are VVhore-masters both, Sir, that's a plain

   Pup. Pi. You lie, like a Rogue.
   Lan. Do I lie, like a Rogue?
   Pup. Pi. A Pimp, and a Scab.
   Lan. A Pimp, and a Scab?
I say, between you, you have both but one Drab.

   Pup. Da. You lie again.
   Lan. Do I lie again?
   Pup. Da. Like a Rogue again.
   Lan. Like a Rogue again?
   Pup. Pi. And you are a Pimp again.
   Cok. And you are Pimp again, he says.
   Pup. Da. And a Scab again.
   Cok. And a Scab again, he says.
   Lan. And I say again, you are both VVhore-masters again.
[They fight.
And you have both but one Drab again.

   Pup. Da. Pi. Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?
   Lan,comma should be replaced with a period VVhat, both at once?
   Pup. P. Down with him, Damon.
   Pup. D. Pink his Guts, Pythias.
   Lan. VVhat, so malicious?
VVill ye murder me, Masters both, i' my own House?

   Cok. Ho! well acted, my Drum; well acted, my Pipe,
well acted still.
   VVas. Well acted, with all my heart.
   Lan. Hold, hold your Hands.
   Cok. I, both your Hands, for my sake! for you ha' both
done well.
   Pup. D. Gramercy, pure Pythias.
   Pup. P. Gramercy, dear Damon.
   Cok. Gramercy to you both, my Pipe and my Drum.
   Pup. P. D. Come, now we'll together to breakfast to Hero.
   Lan. 'Tis well you can now go to breakfast to Hero,
You have given me my breakfast, with a
hone and honero.
   Cok. How is't friend, ha' they hurt thee?
   Lan. O, no!
Between you and I, Sir, we do but make show.
Thus, Gentiles, you perceive, without any denial,
Damon and Pythias here, Friendships true tryal.
Tho hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other,
   They fight you no more than do's Brother with Brother.
But friendly together, at the next Man they meet,
   They let fly their Anger, as here you might see't.


            Bartholmew Fair. 425

   Cok. Well, we have seen't, and thou hast felt it, what-
soever thou sayest. What's next? what's next?
   Lea. This while young Leander, with fair Hero is drink-
Hero grown drunk, to any mans thinking!
Yet was it not three Pints of Sherry could flaw her,
Cupid distinguish'd like Jonas the Drawer,
From under his Apron, where his lechery lurks,
 put love in her Sack. Now mark how it works.

   Pup. H. O Leander Leander, my dear my dear Leander,
I'll for ever be thy Goose, so thou'lt be my Gander.

   Cok. Excellently well said, Fiddle, she'll ever be his
Goose, so he'll be her Gander: was't not so?
   Lan. Yes, Sir, but mark his answer, now.
   Pup. L. And sweetest of Geese, before I go to Bed,
I'll swim o're the
Thames, my Goose, thee to tread.
   Cok. Brave! he will swim o're the Thames, and tread
his Goose to night, he says.
   Lan. I, peace, Sir, they'll be angry, if they hear
you eaves-dropping, now they are setting their match.
   Pup. L. But lest the Thames should be dark, my Goose,
      my dear Friend,
         let thy Window be provided of a Candles end.

   Pup. H. Fear not, my Gander, I protest, I should handle
      my matters very ill, if I had not a whole Candle.

   Pup. L. Well then, look to't, and kiss me to Boot.
   Lan. Now, here come the Friends again, Pythias, and
[Damon and Pythias enter.
         and under their Clokes, they have of Bacon, a Gammon.
   Pup. P. Drawer, fill some Wine here.
   Lan. How, some Wine there?
      there's company already, Sir, pray forbear!
   Pup. D. 'Tis Hero.
   Lan. Yes, but she will not be taken,
      after Sack, and fresh Herring, with youoyour
   Pup. P. You lye, it's Westfabian.
   Lan. Westphalian you should say.
   Pup. D. If you hold not your peace, you are a Coxcomb,
[Leander and Hero are kissing.
      I would say.

   Pup. What's here? what's here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss.
   Lan. I, Wherefore should they not? what harm is in this?
      'tis Mistris
   Pup. D. Mistris Hero's a whore.
   Lan. Is she a whore? keep you quiet, or Sir Knave out of door.
   Pup. D. Knave out of door?
   Pup. H. Yes, Knave out of door.
[Here the Puppets
   quarrel and fall
   together by the
   Pup. D. VVhore out of door.
   Pup. H. I say, Knave, out of door.
   Pup. D. I say, Whore out of door.
   Pup. P. Yea, so say I too.
   Pup. H. Kiss the whore o' the Arse.
   Lan. Now you ha' something to do:
      you must kiss her o' the Arse, she says.

   Pup. D. P. So we will, so we will.
   Pup. H. O, my Hanches, O my Hanches, hold, hold.
   Lan. Stand'st thou still?
Leander, where art thou? stand'st thou still like a Sot,
   and not offer'st to break both their Heads with a Pot?
   See who's at thine Elbow, there! Puppet
Jonas and Cupid.
[They fight.
   Pup. I. Upon 'em Leander, be not so stupid.
   Pup. L. You Goat-bearded Slave!
   Pup. D. You whore-master Knave.
   Pup. L. Thou art a whore-master.
   Pup. I. VVhore-masters all.
   Lan. See, Cupid with a word has tane up the brawl.
   Kno. These be fine Vapours!
   Cok. By this good day, they fight bravely! do they not,
   VVas. Yes, they lack'd but you to their second all this
   Lan. This tragical encounter, falling out thus to busie us,
It raises up the Ghost of their Friend
Not like a Monarch, but the Master of a School,
In a Scriveners furr'd Gown, which shews he is no Fool.

[column break]

For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm.
Damon he cries, and Pythias; what harm,
Hath poor
Dionysius done you in his Grave,
That after his death you should fall out thus and rave,
And call amorous
Leander whore-master Knave?
   Pup. D. I cannot, I will not, I promise you endure it.

Act V.    Scene V.

To them Busy.

Us. Down with Dagon, down with Dagon: 'tis I,
 will no longer endure your Profanations.
   Lan. What mean you, Sir?
   Bus. I will remove Dagon there, I say, that Idol, that
heathenish Idol, that remains (as I may say) a Beam, a
very Beam, not a Beam of the Sun, nor a Beam of the
Moon, nor a Beam of a Ballance, neither a House-
Beam, nor a Weavers Beam, but a Beam in the Eye, in
the Eye of the Brethren; a very great Beam, an exceed-
ing great Beam; such as are your Stage-players, Rimers,
and Morrise-dancers, who have walked hand in hand, in
contempt of the Brethren, and the Cause; and been born
out by Instruments of no mean Countenance.
   Lan. Sir, I present nothing but what is licens'd by
   Bus. Thou art all License, even Licentiousness it self,
   Lan. I have the Master of the Revell's hand for't, Sir.
   Bus. The Master of Rebells hand, thou hast Satan's!
hold thy peace, thy scurrility, shut up thy Mouth, thy
Profession is damnable, and in pleading for it, thou dost
plead for Baal. I have long opened my Mouth wide,
and gaped, I have gaped as the Oyster for the Tide, after
thy destruction: but cannot compass it by sute or dis-
pute; so that I look for a Bickering, ere long, and then
a Battel.
   Kno. Good Banbury Vapours.
   Cok. Friend, you'ld have an ill match on't, if you
bicker with him here, though he be no Man o' the Fist,
he has Friends that will go to Cuffs for him. Numps, will
not you take our side?
   Edg. Sir, it shall not need, in my Mind he offers him
a fairer Course, to end it by disputation! hast thou no-
thing to say for thy self, in defence of thy quality?
   Lan. Faith, Sir, I am not well studied in these Con-
troversies, between the Hypocrites and us. But here's
one of my Motion, Puppet Dionysius, shall undertake him,
and I'll venture the cause on't.
   Cok. Who? my Hobby-horse? will he dispute with
   Lan. Yes, Sir, and make a Hobby-Ass of him, I hope.
   Cok. That's excellent! indeed he looks like the best
Scholar of 'em all. Come, Sir, you must be as good as
your word now.
   Bus. I will not fear to make my Spirit and Gifts
known! assist me Zeal, fill me, fill me, that is, make
me full.
   Win-w. What a desperate, profane wretch is this!
is there any Ignorance or Impudence like his? to call
his zeal to fill him against a Puppet?
   Qua. I know no fitter match then a Puppet to commit
with an Hypocrite!
   Bus. First, I say unto thee Idol, thou hast no Calling.
   Pup. D. You lie, I am call'd Dionysius.
   Lan. The Motion says, you lye, he is call'd Dionisius i'
the matter, and to that calling he answers.
   Bus. I mean no vocation, Idoll, no present lawful Calling.
   Pup. D. Is yours a lawful Calling?
   Lan. The Motion asketh, if yours be a lawful Calling?
   Bus. Yes, mine is of the Spirit.
   Pup. D. Then Idol is a lawful Calling.
   Lan. He says, then Idol is a lawful Calling! for you
call'd him Idol, and your Calling is of the Spirit.
I i i                                Cok. Well           

426 Bartholmew Fair.                

   Cok. Well disputed Hobby-horse!
   Bus. Take not part with the wicked young Gallant.
He neygheth and hinneyeth, all is but hinnying Sophi-
stry. I call him Idol again. Yet, I say, his Calling, his
Profession is profane, it is profane, Idol.
   Pup. D. It is not profane!
   Lan. It is not profane, he says.
   Bus. It is profane.
   Pup. It is not profane.
   Bus. It is profane.
   Pup. It is not profane.
   Lan. Well said, confute him with not, still. You can-
not bear him down with your base noise, Sir.
   Bus. Nor he me, with his treble creeking, though he
creek like the Chariot Wheels of Satan; I am zealous
for the Cause
   Lan. As a Dog for a Bone.
   Bus. And I say, it is profane, as being the Page of
Pride, and the waiting Woman of Vanity.
   Pup. D. Yea? what say you to your Tire-women, then?
   Lan. Good.
   Pup. Or Feather-makers i' the Fryers, that are o' your
faction of faith? Are not they, with their Perrukes, and their
Puffs, their Fans, and their Huffs, as much Pages of
and waiters upon
vanity? what say you? what say you?
what say you?

   Bus. I will not answer for them.
   Pup. Because you cannot, because you cannot. Is a Bugle-
maker a lawful Calling? or the Confect-makers? such
you have there? or your French
Fashioner? you'd have all
the Sin within your selves, would you not? would you not?

   Bus. No, Dagon.
   Pup. VVhat then, Dagonet? is a Puppet worse than these?
   Bus. Yes, and my main Argument against you, is,
that you are an abomination: for the Male, among you,
putteth on the Apparel of the Female, and the Female of
the Male.
   Pup. You lye, you lye, you lye abominably.
   Cok. Good, by my Troth, he has given him the lye
   Pup. It is your old stale Argument against the Players, but
it will not hold against the Puppets; for we have neither
Female amongst us. And that thou may'st see, if thou
wilt, like a malicious purblind zeal as thou art!

[The Puppet takes up his Garment.

   Edg. By my faith, there he has answer'd you, Friend,
by plain demonstration.
   Pup. Nay, I'll prove against e're a Rabbin of 'em all, that
my standing is as lawful as his; that I speak by inspiration,
as well as he; that I have as little to do with learning as he;
and do scorn her helps as much as he.

   Bus. I am confuted, the Cause hath failed me.
   Pup. Then be converted, be converted.
   Lan. Be converted, I pray you, and let the Play go
   Bus. Let it go on. For I am changed, and will be-
come a beholder with you!
   Cok. That's brave i' faith, thou hast carried it away,
Hobby-horse, on with the Play!
   Jus. Stay, now do I forbid, I am Adam Overdoo! sit
[The Justice discovers himself.
still, I charge you.
   Cok. What, my Brother i' Law!
   Gra. My wise Guardian!
   Edg. Justice Overdoo!
   Jus. It is time to take Enormity by the Fore-head,
and brand it; for I have discover'd enough.

[column break]

Act V.    Scene VI.

To them, Quarlous, (like the Madman) Purecraft, (a while
   after) John: To them Trouble-all, Ursla, Nightin-

Uar. Nay, come Mistris Bride; you must do as
 I do, now. You must be mad with me, in truth.
I have here Justice Overdoo for it.
   Jus. Peace, good Trouble-all; come hither, and you
shall trouble none. I will take the charge of you, and
your Friend too; you also, young Man shall be my care,
[To the Cut-purse, and Mistris Little-wit.
stand there.
   Edg. Now, mercy upon me.
   Kno. Would we were away, VVhit, these are dange-
rous Vapours, best fall off with our Birds for fear o' the
[The rest are stealing away.
   Jus. Stay, is not my name your terror?
   VVhi. Yesh faith Man, and it ish for tat we would
be gone Man.
   Joh. O Gentlemen! did you not see a Wife of mine?
I ha' lost my little Wife, as I shall be trusted: my little
pretty VVin. I left her at the great Woman's House in
trust yonder, the Pig-womans, with Captain Jordan,
and Captain VVhit, very good Men, and I cannot hear
of her. Poor Fool, I fear she's stepp'd aside. Mother,
did you not see VVin?
   Jus. If this Grave Matron by your Mother, Sir,
stand by her, Et digito, compesce labellum, I may perhaps
Spring a Wife for you, anon. Brother Bartholmew, I
am sadly sorry, to see you so lightly given, and such a
Disciple of enormity, with your grave Governour Hum-
but stand you both there, in the middle Place; I
will reprehend you in your Course. Mistris Grace, let
me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger.
   VVin-w. Pardon me, Sir, I am a Kinsman of hers.
   Jus. Are you so? of what name, Sir?
   Win-w. Winwife, Sir.
   Jus. Master VVinwife? I hope you have won no Wife
of her, Sir. If you have, I will examine the possibili-
ty of it, at fit leisure. Now, to my Enormities: look
upon me, O London! and see me, O Smithfield! The ex-
ample of Justice,
and Mirror of Magistrates: the true top
of Formality, and scourge of Enormity. Hearken un-
to my labours, and but observe my discoveries; and com-
pare Hercules with me, if thou dar'st, of old; or Co-
lumbus, Magellan,
or our Country-man Drake of later
times: stand forth you VVeeds of Enormity, and spread.

To Busy,
To Lantern,
To the Horse-
Courser, and
Then Captain
Whit, and Mi-
First Rabby Busy, thou superlunatical Hypo-
crite, next, thou other Extremity, thou
profane Professor of Puppetry, little better
than Poetry: then thou strong Debaucher
and Seducer of Youth; witness this easie
and honest young Man: now thou Esquire
of Dames, Madams, and Twelve-penny La-
now my green Madam her self, of
the price. Let me unmask your Ladiship.
   Joh. O my VVife, my VVife, my VVife!
   Jus. Is she your VVife? Redde te Harpocartem! Harpocratem
   Tro. By your leave, stand by my Masters, be unco-
[Enter Trouble-all.
   Urs. O stay him, stay him, help to cry, Nightingale;
my Pan, my Pan.
   Jus. What's the matter?
   Nig. He has stoln Gammer Ursla's Pan.
   Tro. Yes, and I fear no Man but Justice Overdoo.
   Jus. Ursla? where is she? O the Sow of Enormity,
this! welcome, stand you there; you, Songster, there.
[To Ursla and Nightingale.

   Vrs.Urs. An' please your Worship, I am in no fault: A
Gentleman stripp'd him in my Booth, and borrow'd his
Gown, and his Hat; and he ran away with my Goods
here for it.
Jus. Then                  

            Bartholmew Fair. 427

   Jus. Then this is the true Mad-man, and you are the
[To Quarlous.
   Qua. You are i' the right, I am mad, but from the
Gown outward.
   Jus. Stand you there.
   Qua. Where you please, Sir.
   Over. O lend me a Bason, I am sick, I am sick;
where's Mr. Over-doo? Bridget, call hither my Adam.
[Mistris Over-doo is sick, and her Husband is silenc'd.

   Jus. How?
   Whi. Dy very own Wife, i' fait, worshipful Adam.
   Over. Will not my Adam come at me? shall I see
him no more then?
   Qua. Sir, why do you not go on with the Enormity?
are you opprest with it? I'll help you: Hark you, Sir,
i' your Ear, your Innocent Young Man, you have tane such
care of all this day, is a Cut-purse; that hath got all your
Brother Cokes his things, and help'd you to your beating,
and the Stocks; if you have a mind to hang him now,
and shew him your Magistrates Wit, you may: but I
should think it were better recovering the Goods, and to
save your Estimation in him. I thank you, Sir, for the
Gift of your Ward, Mrs. Grace: Look you, here is your
Hand and Seal, by the way. Mr. Win-wife give you
Joy, you are Palemon, you are possest o' the Gentlewo-
man, but she must pay me value, here's Warrant for it.

To the Wi-     

And, honest mad man, there's thy Gown and
Cap again; I thank thee for my Wife. Nay,
I can be mad, Sweet Heart, when I please
still; never fear me: And careful Numps,
where's he? I thank him for my Licence.
[Waspe misseth the Licence.
   VVas. How!
   Qua. 'Tis true, Numps.
   VVas. I'll be hang'd then.
   Qua. Look i' your Box, Numps; nay, Sir, stand not
you fixt here, like a Stake in Finsbury, to be shot at, or
the Whipping-post i' the Fair, but get your Wife out o'the
Air, it will make her worse else; and remember you are
but Adam, Flesh and Blood! you have your frailty, for-

[column break]

get your other Name of Over-doo, and invite us all to
supper. There you and I will compare our Discoveries;
and drown the memory of all Enormity in your bigg'st
Bowl at home.
   Cok. How now, Numps, ha' you lost it? I warrant
'twas when thou wert i' the Stocks: Why dost not
   VVas. I will never speak while I live again, for ought
I know.
   Jus. Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be so
too; this pleasant conceited Gentleman hath wrought
upon my Judgment, and prevail'd: I pray you take care
of your sick Friend, Mistris Alice, and my good Friends
all ——
   Qua. And no Enormities.
   Jus. I invite you home with me to my House to sup-
per: I will have none fear to go along, for my intents are
Ad correctionem, non ad destructionem; ad ædificandum, non
ad diruendum:
So lead on.
   Cok. Yes, and bring the Actors along, we'll ha' the rest
o' the Play at home.

The   E P I L O G U E.

Our Majesty hath seen the Play, and you
   Can best allow it from your Ear and View.
You know the Scope of Writers, and what store
Leave is given them, if they take not more,
And turn it into
Licence: you can tell,
   If we have us'd that
Leave you gave us, well:
Or whether we to
Rage, or Licence break,
   Or be prophane, or make
prophane Men speak?
This is your Power to judge (Great Sir) and not
   The Envy of a few. Which if we have got,
We value less what their dislike can bring,
   If it so happy be t' have pleas'd the

T H E   E N D.

I i i 2

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The Holloway Pages Ben: Jonson Page

© 2003 by Clark J. Holloway.