tily ashamed, and angry oftentimes, that the Princes of|
Christendom, should suffer a Barbarian, to transcend 'em
in so high a point of Felicity. I will practise it, here-
after. How now? oh! oh! what Villain? what Pro-
digy of Mankind is that? look. Oh! cut his Throat,
cut his Throat: what Murderer, Hell-hound, Divel can
[One winds a Horn without again.
Mut. It is a Post from the Court ———
Mor. Out Rogue, and must thou blow thy Horn, too?
Mut. Alass, it is a Post from the Court, Sir, that
says, he must speak you, pain of Death —
Mor. Pain of thy Life, be silent.
Act II. Scene II.
True-wit, Morose, Cutberd.
Y your leave, Sir, I am a stranger here: is your
Name Master Morose? is your Name Master Mo-
rose? Fishes! Pythagoreans all? this is strange. What
say you, Sir, nothing? Has Harpocrates been here with
his Club, among you? well Sir, I will believe you to
be the Man at this time: I will venture upon you, Sir.
Your Friends at Court Commend 'em to you, Sir —
(Mor. O Men! O Manners! was there ever such an
Tru. And are extreamly sollicitous for you, Sir.
Mor. Whose Knave are you!
Tru. Mine own Knave, and your Compeer, Sir.
Mor. Fetch me my Sword ——
Tru. You shall taste the one half of my Dagger, if
you do (Groom) and you the other, if you stir, Sir:
be patient, I charge you, in the Kings name, and hear
me without insurrection. They say, you are to marry?
to marry! do you mark, Sir¿
Mor. How then, rude Companion!
Tru. Marry, your Friends do wonder, Sir, the Thames
being so neer, wherein you may drown, so handsom-
ly; or London Bridge, at a low fall, with a fine leap, to
hurry you down the Stream; or, such a delicate Steeple
i' the Town, as Bow, to vault from; or, a braver
height, as Pauls; or, if you affected to do it nearer
home, and a shorter way, an excellent Garret Window
into the Street; or, a Beam, in the said Garret, with
this Halter, which they have sent, and desire,
that you would sooner commit your Grave
Head to this Knot, than to the Wedlock Noose,
or, take a little Sublimate, and go out of the
World, like a Rat; or, a Fly (as one said) with a
Straw i' your Arse: any way, rather than to follow
this goblin Matrimony. Alas, Sir, do you ever think to
find a chaste Wife, in these times? now? when there
are so many Masques, Plays, Puritan Parlees, mad Folks,
and other strange sights to be seen, daily, private and
publick? if you had liv'd, in King Ethelred's time, Sir,
or Edward the Confessors, you might, perhaps, have
found in some cold Countrey Hamlet, then, a dull
frosty Wench, would have been contented with one
Man: now, they will as soon be pleas'd with one Leg,
or one Eye. I'll tell you, Sir, the monstrous hazards
you shall run with a Wife.
Mor. Good Sir! have I ever cozen'd any Friends of
yours of their Land? bought their Possessions? taken
forfeit of their Mortgage? beg'd a Reversion from
'em? bastarded their Issue? what have I done, that
may deserve this?
Tru. Nothing, Sir, that I know, but your Itch of
Mor. Why? if I had made an assassinate upon
your Father; vitiated your Mother: ravished your
Tru. I would kill you, Sir, I would kill you, if you
Mor. Why? you do more in this, Sir: it were a ven-
geance centuple, for all facinorous Acts, that could be
nam'd, to do that you do ———
Tru. Alass, Sir, I am but a Messenger: I but tell you,
what you must hear. It seeems, your Friends are care-
ful after your Souls health, Sir, and would have you
know the danger (but you may do your pleasure,
for all them; I perswade not, Sir) if, after you are
married, your Wife do run away with a Vaulter, or the
Frenchman that walks upon Ropes, or him that dances
the Jig, or a Fencer, for his skill at his Weapon; why
it is not their fault; they have discharged their Con-
seiences: when you know what may happen. Nay, suf-
fer valiantly, Sir, for I must tell you, all the Perils
that you are obnoxious to. If she be fair, young, and
vegetous, no Sweet-meats ever drew more Flies; all the
yellow Doublets, and great Roses i' the Town will be
there. If foul and crooked, she'll be with them, and
buy those Doublets and Roses, Sir. If rich, and that
you marry her Dowry, not her; she'll raign in your
House, as imperious as a Widdow. If noble, all her
kindred will be your Tyrans. If fruitful, as proud as
May, as humorous as April; she must have her Do-
ctors, her Midwives, her Nurses, her Longings every
hour: though it be for the dearest Morsel of Man.
If learned, there was never such a Parrat; all your
Patrimony will be too little for the Guests that must
be invited, to hear her speak Latin and Greek: and
you must lye with her in those Languages too, if you
will please her. If precise, you must feast all the si-
lenc'd Brethren, once in three days; salute the Sisters;
entertain the whole Family, or Wood of 'em; and
hear long-winded Exercises, Singings, and Catechisings,
which you are not given to, and yet must give for; to
please the zealous Matron your Wife, who, for the
holy Cause, will cozen you over and above. You be-
gin to sweat, Sir? but this is not half, i' faith: you
may do your pleasure notwithstanding, as I said before,
I come not to perswade you. Upon my faith, Master
Serving-man, if you do stir, I will beat you.
The Mute is stealing away.
Mor. O, What is my Sin! what is my Sin?
Tru. Then, if you love your Wife, or rather, dote
on her, Sir: O, how she'll torture you! and take plea-
sure i' you Torments! you shall lye with her but when
she lists; she will not hurt her Beauty, her Complexion;
or it must be for that Jewel, or that Pearl, when she does;
every half hours pleasure must be bought anew: and
with the same pain, and charge, you woo'd her at first.
Then, you must keep what Servants she please; what
Company she will; that Friend must not visit you with-
out her License; and him she loves most, she will seem
to hate eagerliest, to decline your jealousie; or, faign
to be jealous of your first; and for that cause go live
with her she-friend, or Cousin at the Colledge, that can
instruct her in all the Mysteries of writing Letters, cor-
rupting Servants, taming Spies; where she must have
that rich Gown for such a great day; a new one for the
next; a richer for the third; be serv'd in Silver; have
the Chamber fill'd with a succession of Grooms, Foot-
men, Ushers, and other Messengers; besides Embroide-
rers, Jewellers, Tire-women, Semsters, Feather-men, Per-
fumers; while she feels not how the Land drops away;
nor the Acres melt; nor foresees the change, when the
Mercer has your Woods for her Velvets; never weighs
what her Pride costs, Sir: so she may kiss a Page, or
a smooth Chin, that has the despair of a Beard; be
a Stateswoman, know all the news, what was done
at Salisbury, what at the Bath, what at Court, what in
Progress; or, so she may censure Poets, and Authors,
and Stiles, and compare 'em, Daniel with Spencer,
Johnson with the t'other Youth, and so forth; or be
thought cunning in Controversies, or the very Knots
of Divinity; and have often in her Mouth, the state of
the Question: and then skip to the Mathematicks,